May 10, 2007 23:38
it's a beautiful night out tonight, i thought it would be nice to drive/ walk around town for a bit. I went down to cumby's and walked around the docks and the mill falls, then i went up to the beach and sat down. the weather was so nice that there was a little lightning i started thinking about my old friend jessie smith. he used to live right by there, me and pete used to go over to his house almost everyday and play video games. not the lame MMO's that everyones into now, but games like Tony Hawk, Crazy Taxi, and Power Stone. I remembered the last night we spent at his house, pete was being a dick and threw my shirt out on jessies roof. i think he was just mad that he had to sleep on the floor while i crashed on the couch, which was actually the back seat ripped out of an old car. we were trying to get my shirt off the roof, then we broke the screen. his drunk sister got home and told us to shut up and get it in the morning. lightning struck on the other side of the lake again. my thought distracted me so i wasn't looking. i just saw the whole lake light up again. Looking at a car driving by i noticed the blue short railing down the road. one time me and my old friend todd got in a fight there. i put the kid in a headlock and made his scream for mercy. i let him up and he went to sucker punch me. todd threw his ass right over the railing, and he rolled down the jaged rocks into the water. me and that kid used to get into so many fights. we used to walk the back trails through the trailer park to get to school everyday. so did these other 2 ass holes, we could never pass these kids and not start shit. if all 4 of us gothit by a bus at the same time and were standing at the gates of heaven about to be judged, we would still be swinging at each other. lighting struck again, another time i missed it. just a shrp glow of the water and back to darkness. Down the road a little bit farther is the place brandan lived in when i first met him. I remember when i was really young and he told me that there was a ghost in his house, it was the spirit of an old woman, she lived there before him and she died from falling down the stairs, he told me that some times he hears her falling down there stairs, and that one night he actually said he saw her. i remembered his fear of death. one day my mom told me that when he was living in new mexico on the army base, he saw one of his friends get hit by a hummer. i never asked brandan about this. but i new just from knowing him that it was true. another thing of lightning struck . i barey even noticed, i was too focused on the ground and the little whole i was thumbing into the sand. I'm sure i'll catch the next one. I got up on my feet and took a few steps forward. the water was freezing, it's still not quite summer. my feet dig into the mud and let it push inbetween my toes. i got some new sandles earlyer and had spent the day kicking them off, i love driving without shoes on. it's just like in the days of the jeep. no top, no shirt, no doors, no shoes. One night we over packed the jeep with people and along with 2 other cars we convoyed up to sandwhich and hiked rattle snake. some groups went farther up ahead and a few people kept to the back, the moutnain was ours. Matt and gary kept running up ahead and hiding in the woods so they could just out and scare the fist people to pass them. at the top no one made a noise. watched the sky, the stars lit up the sky, if you looked off to the lake you could see the lights on the booies and a few lights from some people still out on there boats. another bolt of lighting hits behind me. i stop and think about jumping in, my feet have gone numb to the point that i have forgotten that it is before mothers day. maybe if i put myself into hypothermic shock i wont have to go to work tomorrow. i step out of the water and plant myself in the sand with all the debris left from the spring flooding. i havn't seen flooding like this since last year at the dorms. there was no way to walk our normal trails around the tech in the spring. through the fall and the winter, whenever we couldn't sleep i could just grab keil, ryan, mitch, phil... pretty much anyone from the tech crew and walk and relax with them. living in the dorms is unlike any other living situation. you grow close to a mass group of people, your not even sure if you like them or not, but you eat 3 meals a day together, watch movies, help each other study, listen to each other problums, and no one really gets on each others nerves too bad. another bolt of lighting hits, i almost caught it with the corner of my eye, it hit the hill just up to my right. it was right up by where i used to live. last summer was amazing. me, chris, jared, and meredith spending all our time working, or partying in the barn we were the PA 444. there was not single night where i felt alone. a bolt of lighting hits right infront of me, i think i can go home happy now that i have seen one. brushing myself off, i look around the beach and get one last rush of memories. all the times i've come to this beach with my dad, my dog, brandan, ryan, chris, meredith, jared, julz, pete, mitch, jesse. i know what tonight was all about, all these thoughts... all winter i have been lieing to myself. i've been sitting around telling myself that summer is going to be great. i'll be able to see my friends, we'll party, remember the past, have our one last hoorah before we go our seperate ways. but that was last summer. no ones coming back. chris is staying in grey mitch is in mass, jared and my dad also in maine, jesse in mass, things with me and julz will never be like they were, we'll remain friends, but we'll never be reall close, Brandans never going to come back. my friends are gone, moved, dead, faiding away. i need to get out of this town. i need to leave this place behind me. these memories are becoming empty promises. i have one new person in my life. When i am with her i feel like everything is going to be good. but if i let her become 100% of my life, i'm afraid that it will end and i'll spend 2 years again on the verge of a nervous breakdown. i think i can trust her. but i still feel like i need to get the fuck out of this town, meet some new people. i just hope that i can find the courage, and that she will come with me.