(no subject)
Fuck… so I thought coming home would be like amazing cause I left it being amazing and I felt it would be even better when I got back but of course life fucking sucks sometimes.
I guess ill start in order… so like you know… Monday me and Emily hit it off pretty good… Wednesday I went to Denver… it fuckin sucked. I thought I was just depressed cause you know, Im not close with my family. And its just over all a hard situation for me to even explain. Plus I had to leave when things seemed to be getting REALLY good at home. I didn’t get more then like 3 hours sleep a night while I was there. But it was ok cause Emily was keeping me company… we pretty much just had a discussion that what happens happens and pretty much just said yea we can be fuck buddies and not have it effect our “friendship” cause she didn’t want it to “get weird”. But then everyday it got to be more and like she’d start being like “I cant get you out of my mind” “I miss you” “I wish you were here” you know shit like that… and shes like its amazing we think the same way about things and I love it… and after that im like well shit this could be good. And shed call me and just be all sweet and shit and my fuckin dumb ass kinda started to fall… just a little… like not seriously but a like hey let me actually pursue this kind of thing cause really, I feel comfortable with her and like I can talk to her and a LOT of people I cant just sit down and say w/e im feeling but with her I felt like yea I can. it really hit me when I talked to my ex and shes like jealous and still feels for me but shes like you kno you sound really happy… and I realized you know your right like I do feel so good just thinking bout when we hung out or some of our convos. And she kinda really kept me sane with random “I miss yous” while I was in Denver plus her voice…*drools*. ANYWAY that’s pretty much how the week went. Went to see nana before we caught the plane and the last 2 minutes before I left it kinda hit me that you know, this is the last time im actually going to see her… ive seen my dad cry once before… well twice now… that’s when it REALLY hit me that I wasn’t going to see her again. And since then things just keep getting worse. I realize I don’t have the chance to build the bridge of “yea I hate you for not being in my life but you’re my nana so I love you lets make up” kind of thing… and it made me realize also that I need to do that with my dad… or imma regret even more having a grudge against my family and then not being able to get it out but then make up with them you know?? Anyway… So I get home from Denver and of course Katie is talking about seeing all our family and mom has nothing better to do then trash talk them…. *sigh*…. And I hate it cause I AM trying to get over this whole never being in my life but then mom keeps pushing it and im like look… it doesn’t help when all you do is trash talk them… ugh anyway! So then im like you know im really fuckin depressed imma text Emily and see how the club was and what not cause just hearing from her has been making my days good so it should now… plus im sure shes dying to see me righ?! her reply… “it was good, I met a really nice girl. Im busy tonight but I don’t work tomorrow so I might call you” ok so you go from “omg I miss you you need to be here” to “oh yea, I met a girl ill see you around” kind of thing… fuck that yo. And you know maybe im over reacting. Cause fuck ive been like bawling all fucking day lol but I didn’t just admit that… so im probably blowing it hella outta proportion or some shit but I dunno… fucking girls… like I dunno im totally just losing it right now. Ok well this was just a huge vent so I might make it more clear later. Im out-
I guess ill start in order… so like you know… Monday me and Emily hit it off pretty good… Wednesday I went to Denver… it fuckin sucked. I thought I was just depressed cause you know, Im not close with my family. And its just over all a hard situation for me to even explain. Plus I had to leave when things seemed to be getting REALLY good at home. I didn’t get more then like 3 hours sleep a night while I was there. But it was ok cause Emily was keeping me company… we pretty much just had a discussion that what happens happens and pretty much just said yea we can be fuck buddies and not have it effect our “friendship” cause she didn’t want it to “get weird”. But then everyday it got to be more and like she’d start being like “I cant get you out of my mind” “I miss you” “I wish you were here” you know shit like that… and shes like its amazing we think the same way about things and I love it… and after that im like well shit this could be good. And shed call me and just be all sweet and shit and my fuckin dumb ass kinda started to fall… just a little… like not seriously but a like hey let me actually pursue this kind of thing cause really, I feel comfortable with her and like I can talk to her and a LOT of people I cant just sit down and say w/e im feeling but with her I felt like yea I can. it really hit me when I talked to my ex and shes like jealous and still feels for me but shes like you kno you sound really happy… and I realized you know your right like I do feel so good just thinking bout when we hung out or some of our convos. And she kinda really kept me sane with random “I miss yous” while I was in Denver plus her voice…*drools*. ANYWAY that’s pretty much how the week went. Went to see nana before we caught the plane and the last 2 minutes before I left it kinda hit me that you know, this is the last time im actually going to see her… ive seen my dad cry once before… well twice now… that’s when it REALLY hit me that I wasn’t going to see her again. And since then things just keep getting worse. I realize I don’t have the chance to build the bridge of “yea I hate you for not being in my life but you’re my nana so I love you lets make up” kind of thing… and it made me realize also that I need to do that with my dad… or imma regret even more having a grudge against my family and then not being able to get it out but then make up with them you know?? Anyway… So I get home from Denver and of course Katie is talking about seeing all our family and mom has nothing better to do then trash talk them…. *sigh*…. And I hate it cause I AM trying to get over this whole never being in my life but then mom keeps pushing it and im like look… it doesn’t help when all you do is trash talk them… ugh anyway! So then im like you know im really fuckin depressed imma text Emily and see how the club was and what not cause just hearing from her has been making my days good so it should now… plus im sure shes dying to see me righ?! her reply… “it was good, I met a really nice girl. Im busy tonight but I don’t work tomorrow so I might call you” ok so you go from “omg I miss you you need to be here” to “oh yea, I met a girl ill see you around” kind of thing… fuck that yo. And you know maybe im over reacting. Cause fuck ive been like bawling all fucking day lol but I didn’t just admit that… so im probably blowing it hella outta proportion or some shit but I dunno… fucking girls… like I dunno im totally just losing it right now. Ok well this was just a huge vent so I might make it more clear later. Im out-