(no subject)
As the day grows cold
My outlook on this harsh world
grows old...
my soul has been sold
reviewed and written over
i constantly keep lookin over my shoulder
in hope of my life getting back in order
im wounded
with ripped pants
and a cigarette just trying to relax
Im gonna stop looking back
because that was the past
but im stuck in between
everything looks the exact same
yet so different...
pain has begun to speak
and keeps on bothering me
questioning my beliefs
Morals
and what once were my reliefs
I just need to quit
light up my cigarette
smoke
and forget
to breathe
So life is supposed to be good after graduation. i seem to be fuckin spiraling back into the past though with shady girls, drinking, drugs (well im still stayin away from that actually), parties, and finding it hard to hold grip to what ways up. Or even if what I thought was “up” really is…
Everything stable in my life has gone to shit it seems- even the things that weren’t stable but still had a little hold on me have disappeared. Then at the same time my reality is blurred between my past and present. I sit here and think how i got out of my routine lucky and how good it was the last year and a half; but then my perception of how "good" its been the last year has altered and i realize part of me is going insane and reality how it really is has hit me that its not as “good” as it was made out (I know it never is) its just hitting me how fake people close to me have become...
Then who i really am I’ve fuckin lost sight of because of all this. I knew who i wanted to be, and i thought i was close to being that person. Then everything fucked up and my past personality comes out and im fuckin lost- like who am i really? Is the person ive been the last year just a cover? deep down am i really just who i was before, I just fought it cause I knew I didn’t want to be that person? Or is that the cover to stay sane at times like this? Maybe neither are false, but im both, and choose what side is right for the moments. But with my two separate “realities” going at the moment i seem to be mixing the two and getting even deeper in shit and more lost. Cause im trying to just stay “one” person. Im not sure if this is making any sense... I cant really explain it…
Ah and Pride is tomorrow, im at the point where I don’t even want to go anymore- like I DO totally, but im not going to fuckin drive up to Portland by myself and I don’t fuckin want to deal with tesla and keita or any other shit. I was going to do it for my birthday but as you can tell im not in the best fuckin mood and keita keeps calling me talking shit and just being fuckin… keita. And im like look for real im not in the mood so just stop, yet she keeps fuckin pushin it sayin how like since im in a pissy mood I need to go take some laxatives and shit and im just like… AH! This is where my past and present get mixed up cause I would never have let people talk to me like that before and Ive realized how they (keita and tesla anyway- and I think that’s cause they didn’t know me like jill she knew me back then and she respects me and knows like I do have a point even if I haven’t blown it in the last year) just walk over me and now im like fuck that and it gets me deeper in shit cause now im not putting up with it again especially if im sitting there saying “YO IM NOT IN THE MOOD STOP!” its not that fuckin hard to figure out. Ah I just don’t even know what the fuck to do... I realize none of this probably made any sense unless you’ve known me the last 5 years and know whats been going on... but yea w/e im out for now.
My outlook on this harsh world
grows old...
my soul has been sold
reviewed and written over
i constantly keep lookin over my shoulder
in hope of my life getting back in order
im wounded
with ripped pants
and a cigarette just trying to relax
Im gonna stop looking back
because that was the past
but im stuck in between
everything looks the exact same
yet so different...
pain has begun to speak
and keeps on bothering me
questioning my beliefs
Morals
and what once were my reliefs
I just need to quit
light up my cigarette
smoke
and forget
to breathe
So life is supposed to be good after graduation. i seem to be fuckin spiraling back into the past though with shady girls, drinking, drugs (well im still stayin away from that actually), parties, and finding it hard to hold grip to what ways up. Or even if what I thought was “up” really is…
Everything stable in my life has gone to shit it seems- even the things that weren’t stable but still had a little hold on me have disappeared. Then at the same time my reality is blurred between my past and present. I sit here and think how i got out of my routine lucky and how good it was the last year and a half; but then my perception of how "good" its been the last year has altered and i realize part of me is going insane and reality how it really is has hit me that its not as “good” as it was made out (I know it never is) its just hitting me how fake people close to me have become...
Then who i really am I’ve fuckin lost sight of because of all this. I knew who i wanted to be, and i thought i was close to being that person. Then everything fucked up and my past personality comes out and im fuckin lost- like who am i really? Is the person ive been the last year just a cover? deep down am i really just who i was before, I just fought it cause I knew I didn’t want to be that person? Or is that the cover to stay sane at times like this? Maybe neither are false, but im both, and choose what side is right for the moments. But with my two separate “realities” going at the moment i seem to be mixing the two and getting even deeper in shit and more lost. Cause im trying to just stay “one” person. Im not sure if this is making any sense... I cant really explain it…
Ah and Pride is tomorrow, im at the point where I don’t even want to go anymore- like I DO totally, but im not going to fuckin drive up to Portland by myself and I don’t fuckin want to deal with tesla and keita or any other shit. I was going to do it for my birthday but as you can tell im not in the best fuckin mood and keita keeps calling me talking shit and just being fuckin… keita. And im like look for real im not in the mood so just stop, yet she keeps fuckin pushin it sayin how like since im in a pissy mood I need to go take some laxatives and shit and im just like… AH! This is where my past and present get mixed up cause I would never have let people talk to me like that before and Ive realized how they (keita and tesla anyway- and I think that’s cause they didn’t know me like jill she knew me back then and she respects me and knows like I do have a point even if I haven’t blown it in the last year) just walk over me and now im like fuck that and it gets me deeper in shit cause now im not putting up with it again especially if im sitting there saying “YO IM NOT IN THE MOOD STOP!” its not that fuckin hard to figure out. Ah I just don’t even know what the fuck to do... I realize none of this probably made any sense unless you’ve known me the last 5 years and know whats been going on... but yea w/e im out for now.