i'm waiting
Things have been going great lately. so why do i have this feeling? i should be happy... all i could do last night was cry and i can't even tell you why. i scare myself... all i wanted to do was inflict some kind of pain on myself. i shouldn't be like this. i finally found out that i'm going to be okay. my doctor said my surgery went very well, and after only three weeks i'm completely healed and none of the abnormal cells spread to any other parts of my body. no more cancerous cells...i am free (just have to go in for regular check ups)
so i should be rejoicing in my recovery, singing at the top of my lungs about the relief i feel. instead all i can do is feel strangely melancholy. i want to be aloof, i feel elusive, and most of all i feel so alone. jeanie gave me a journal for my birthday and i've poured my soul out onto the pages. no censorship...i'd be devastated if anyone ever read it. it's helped me but still i feel so strange lately. maybe i am just now letting out all of the feelings i had when i was going through all this shit. i haven't been to my therapist in a while. she called to make sure i was okay after "going under the knife". she is really an amazing human being. after leaving her sessions i feel as though i've had some kind of cleansing...a neurological communion and perhaps even a spritual one.
i'm in the dark...at work again. i don't want the lights on. i just feel like sleeping. i wish i knew what was going on. i'm waiting... all i can say is "i miss you" and you're standing right next to me buzzing in my ear. just before you speak i wake up. i always wake up because i'm scared. i light the incense and then try to will myself back to sleep. my astral companion, you devastate me and bedazzle me until i am without sanity. stop buzzing and speak to me.
maybe i'll get another tattoo this week...
so i should be rejoicing in my recovery, singing at the top of my lungs about the relief i feel. instead all i can do is feel strangely melancholy. i want to be aloof, i feel elusive, and most of all i feel so alone. jeanie gave me a journal for my birthday and i've poured my soul out onto the pages. no censorship...i'd be devastated if anyone ever read it. it's helped me but still i feel so strange lately. maybe i am just now letting out all of the feelings i had when i was going through all this shit. i haven't been to my therapist in a while. she called to make sure i was okay after "going under the knife". she is really an amazing human being. after leaving her sessions i feel as though i've had some kind of cleansing...a neurological communion and perhaps even a spritual one.
i'm in the dark...at work again. i don't want the lights on. i just feel like sleeping. i wish i knew what was going on. i'm waiting... all i can say is "i miss you" and you're standing right next to me buzzing in my ear. just before you speak i wake up. i always wake up because i'm scared. i light the incense and then try to will myself back to sleep. my astral companion, you devastate me and bedazzle me until i am without sanity. stop buzzing and speak to me.
maybe i'll get another tattoo this week...