Done purely for my own amusement/muses, but writers may enjoy...

[b2wm]

Not a real sporking... But what better way to prove your Suefic is tongue-in-cheek than to write a "In Fifteen Minutes"-type parody? It's probably longer than that, but I've managed to condense the first twelve chapters into four pages.

For those of you who hate epics, and those of us who are possessed by crackbunnies, a quicker version of a semi-earnest Boromance: (Warning: contains stronger language.)


Wargs to Live By in 15 minutes
Chapter 1
-Celeste- Celenel: *is wangsty*
Chapter 2
Aragorn: Hey, you’re hot. So, wanna date?

Arwen: Uh, no.

Elrond: Maybe when you’ve got a kingdom.

Aragorn: Sweet!
Chapter 3
Tammithor: I’m a tight-fisted merchant. Hey, you’re hot. So, wanna date?

Celenel: Sure.

Tammithor: Sweet!
Chapter 4
Tasana: Dood, there are Wargs and orcs out here. I oughta run away.

Arrow: *fired*

Orc: Owchies!

Tasana: Damn, it’s broken!

Big-ass black Warg: Yo, so am I.

Tasana: I know I’m in deep shit, but let me heal you anyway.

Other Wargs: *Don’t trust her*

Mithilira the Crazy Bitch: You healed my mate. Here’s a rabbit. Now, let me lead you to your treehouse and amaze you with my leet sniffing skillz.

Tasana: Whoah, you’re like psycho or something!

Bilbo: *iz Birthday’d*

Hobbits: Yea!

Frodo: Whoah, dude, you’re old.

Bilbo: Screw y’all and this popsicle stand! *disappears*
Chapter 5
Tasana: Y’know, Wargs are actually pretty cool.

Wargs: *ditch*

Jak: I’m just here to provide comic relief and introduce a plot point. I also emphasize the fact that the author really likes merchants.

Tasana: Hang on, I almost forgot my plot point.

Frodo: I really miss Bilbo.

Sam: Let’s go get pissed.

Pip and Merry: "But the hedgehog can’t be buggered at all!"

Pippin: Sam, you oughta date Rosie.

Sam: Nuh-uh.

Fatty: Uh-huh.

Sam: Nuh-uh.

Frodo: *Goes home*

Gandalf: Next up on "When Crazy Istari Attack!"

Frodo: Dude, don’t do that. Here’s the shiney Uncle Bilbo gave me.

Gandalf: The shiney is cursed. Meet me in Bree. Or maybe Rivendell. I’ve got stuff to do.
Chapter 6
Tasana: I am now leet.

Mithilira: No, not really.

Tasana: But Wargs and men can be friends!

Mithilira: Girl, STFU.

Butterbur: I make some ironic predictions here, and let a bunch of hobbits get into trouble!

Strider: Your ass is grass.

Frodo: Meep!

Butterbur: Listen to my booze.

Boromir: *Has freakiest dream ever*
Chapter 7
Strider: Gandalf sent me to escort you plebes.

Sam: Why should we trust you?

Strider: Because, although you don’t know it yet, I saved you from Nazgul.

Frodo: Oh… okay then.

Tasana: Dude, my steward’s sons have been having some psycho dreams.

Mithilira: Well, go talk to them. Maybe men and Wargs can be friends.

Tasana: Bitch, are you crazy!?

Mithililra: Yes. Now go.

Tasana: Okay, boss.
Chapter 8
Elrond: The shiney is evil. You, you, and you, go destroy it with the old dude and the short stuff.

Boromir: But it’s so shiney!

Frodo and Aragorn: *don’t trust him*

Legolas: *doesn’t trust Gimli*

Gimli: *doesn’t trust Legolas*

Pip, Merry, and Sam: We’re coming, too!

Aragorn: *is now kingly* And me. Come on, we have to get rid of it.

Arwen: Oh noes! My bf!

Boromir: Oh noes! My ring! Did I say that out loud?

Tasana: Hi there!

Fellowship: WTF, woman?

Tasana: I’m here for Boromir. I’ve basically given you no reason to do so, but I hope you’ll trust me.

Gimli, Legolas, Gandalf, and Aragorn: Uh, no.

Pippin: *trusts*

Gimli: Fool of a Took.

Gandalf: Hey; that’s my line! Bring her along, anyway. We need more enemies, and this one seems pretty smart. Not.

Boromir: *Pines for Gondor*

Tasana: These are my homies. Wargs, fellowship. Fellowship, Wargs.

Fellowship: Yo.

Mithilira: Don’t trust the shortarse with the freaky eyes. Or the steward-spawn.

Tasana: WTF? Well, you’re the boss. Hey, Aragorn, who was your mother?

Aragorn: What? Where’d you learn that name? And she was Celenel, by the way.

Tasana: My mum told me about you. We will now summarize that I am your half-sister and you can trust me.

Aragorn: Right. Go to bed.



Chapter 9
Cahadras: *is freezing*

Fellowship: *is cold*

Gimli: *is whiney*

Snow: Get through this, bitches!

Gandalf: Okay, we’ll turn around.

Fellowship: *is now grumpy and cold*

Gimli: Look, I made a fire! Go me!

Boromir: I’m already hot.

Tasana: Yes you are. Did I say that out loud?

Aragorn: *Growls*

Snow: *is Fellowship’d*

Aragorn, Boromir, and Tasana: Go us!

Boromir: Y’know, you may not be hot, but you’re useful. So, wanna date?

Tasana: Eh, maybe. *to herself*: OMGhe’ssofreakinghotandhejustaskedmeoutOMG…

Aragorn: *Growls*

Tasana: Let’s take the Warg bus.

Sam: No freakin’ way.

Tasana: Uh-huh.

Sam: Nuh-uh.

Tasana: Uh-huh.

Wargs: Nuh-uh.

Tasana: Uh-huh.

Sam: Nuh-uh.

Tasana: Nuh-uh.

Sam: Uh-huh… Dang.

Moria: *is creepy-looking*

Gimli: No worries!

The collective eyebrows of the rest of the Fellowship: *Poit*

Gandalf: Oooh, shiney door! I dunno how to open it, though.

Boromir: Great. *freaks out*

Tasana: I do this for your own good. *glomptackles*

Aragorn: Uh, huh. *growls*

Tasana: Uh, oopsies?

Aragorn: Whatever. The dumb little comic relief solved the riddle. Now we have to enter the scary place.

Watcher in the Water: I’M CRAZY GARY OLDMAN!!!

Frodo: Crap.

Aragorn: I’m Super-king!

Boromir: Somehow, I get stuck holding people back a lot.

Gandalf: Into the scary place!


Chapter 10
Sam: Are we there yet?

Gandalf: No.

Boromir: Are we there yet?

Gandalf: No.

Gimli: Despite the fact that we passed a dead dwarf, I’m still jolly!

Aragorn: Well, I sure as hell am not.

Frodo: I hear crazy people.

Gandalf: Yeah, but he may prove useful. To the Department of the Backstory, Aragorn!

Aragorn: Go after her again and I keel you.

Boromir: Geez, man, fine.

Tasana: Let me hint at our past while flirting shamelessly.

Pippin: Gee, how deep is this hole in the ground? Let me ignore the fact that we’re sneaking through a creepy place that may or may not be inhabited by orcs and worse and drop a stone in to find out.

Stone: *BANG* Glink, glink, glink, glink, glink…

Orcs and Fellowship: WTF?

Pippin: Oops.

Gandalf: Took, you’re retarded. Let’s haul. The exit’s this way, because it stinks less.

Pippin: Can we sing something?

Boromir: All right. So long as I get to flirt.

Frodo: Nice song. But it’s still creepy here.

Boromir: Yeah, when do we get out these caves?

Gimli: Mines, dipshit! *Grrr*

Boromir: What-evar! They’re still creepy. *Grr*

Tasana: Don’t fight guys. Let’s go flirt instead.

Boromir: Okay, then!
Chapter 11
Aragorn: Boromir, you suck. But that was sweet, so I’ll let you get away with it once.

Legolas: Hah! Hah! Boromir’s got a girlfriend!

Boromir: Nyeh, you’re jealous.

Aragorn: Do you realize how many Sues this guy goes through per year?

Boromir: Like we don’t.

Aragorn: Crap.

Gimli: *finds Record Chamber of Death* Double crap.

Gandalf: *Picks up the Very Secret Diary of Oin* Well, they got killed by orcs under circumstances that were hauntingly similar to our current ones. This sucks.

Orcs: Y’all are so pwned.

Aragorn: Pip, quit.

Pippin: But I ain’t doin’ nothing!

Merry: Yeah, we’re screwed. Let’s run.

Gandalf: And get stabbitied from behind? Nuh-uh.

Merry: You da boss.

Gimli: They are so pwnorzed. You insult a dwarf; you are dead.

Orcs: CHARGE! We keel joo!

Legolas & Aragorn: Uh, no.

Orcs: You don’t understand, bitch. We have a freaking army. You’ve got two archers, a swordsman, an old dude, a woman that doesn’t belong here, and a bunch of midgets.

Gimli: We’re crazy midgets! Oh, and tall people, too. They did something good for once.

Troll: Let me introduce myself: I’m the secret weapon and your doom: Killingyouguy!

Frodo: Aw, crap.

Tasana: He is so dead. Let me go into Badger Bezerker Rage Mode now.

Legolas: Poncy guys can kick arse, too!

Troll: Crappage. *is ded from ponce*

Sam: Holy crap onna stick! Somebody help Frodo!

Tasana: Hold up, he should be dead. Ooh, shiney armor. Oooh, the Shiney…

Frodo: Touch and die, bizzatch!

Aragorn: Dude! You’re alive. Sweet.

Gimli: Thanks to leet dwarvish armor. Go us!

Tasana: Yeah, yeah, plebes. Let’s move on.

Gandalf: Run away! Run away!

Boromir: Aw, you’re no fun.

Tasana: Dudes, come on!

Rest of the Fellowship: Hang on, woman, we’re coming. *Runs like whoa through the scary place*

Gandalf: *catches up* Whew. Need better Richard Simmons workout. But at least my staff is shiney.

Legolas: WTBFFF? A Balrog!

Tasana: That’s bad, right?

Gandalf: Bah-dur. You go on. I’ve got a crossing guard to impersonate. No passage for you!

Balrog: If I fall you’re going down with me… Say goodbye, Earl!

Gandalf: Goodbye Earl!

Frodo: *does Luke Skywalker impression*

Tasana: *does demented Luke Skywalker impression*

Boromir: Told you I have to hold people back a lot.

Chapter 12
Aragorn: Look, I’m tired, and our asses are fried, so I’m going to be a bastard, mmkay?

Boromir: Okay, provided I get to snuggle up to your sister.

Legolas: Dude, Lothlorien’s the kewlies.

Gimli: *cough*evilwitch*cough*

Tasana and hobbits: Where?!

Galadriel: I keel you with mind bullets! Psych, naw, just kidding.

Haldir: She sent me to kill the dwarf, instead.

Frodo: Come on, dudes, let’s give peace a chance.

Boromir: Do we have to?

Tasana: If you want to keep your necking privileges, you do.

Boromir: Alrighty then. Can I use them now?

Tasana: Yeah, but then I’m going to bed. Alone.