I am okay, and I will be, always.
I am happy tonight, fully and wonderfully happy, for the first time in a long while. Not to say that I have been totally miserable or extremely depressed lately, but just not genuinely happy.
Why am I suddenly so happy? What has changed? I couldn’t tell you, exactly…but I will take a stab at it.
I think I am finally learning what it is to put things behind me. To finally let go of things that have happened. To put things in the past, and leave them there, where they belong.
Before, I think I was scared to let go of things. Maybe it was about trying to hold onto past feelings, trying to hold onto the way things were before, or maybe it was about trying to regain something I had lost. But, as I am realizing now, to dwell on these things is pointless. In life, things will change, but a lot of times it is for the better. Things will be lost, but so much will be gained.
And maybe, in different situations, it was about feeling regret, sorrow, major guilt, pain, anger towards myself, and not being able to let these things go. But I just need to first learn to forgive myself, and when I am truly ready, ask for it from God as well. Then move on. Life is not meant to be lived in regret, nor is it meant to be constant apology for things we cannot possibly go back and change. I just need to hand over the negative feelings and replace them with hope for change in the future.
(Kudos to Tim for helping me realize this part)
And I know that when I put things behind me, I don’t have to forget. I cannot dwell on them, but I certainly don’t have to forget. And knowing that makes it a little less scary. I can always look back, learn a lesson or two, but essentially, I just need to move on and let myself LIVE.