#08 - for sai12, from your secret santa!
Title: Stuck Speechless
For: sai12
Pairing/Focus: Jinyoung/Chanshik
Rating: pg
Word Count: 7800
Summary: There were thousands of people Jinyoung could choose from and yet Chanshik found himself living in a little hut, on the road to wizardry.
Notes/Warnings: i wasn't really sure what to do when i read your prompt but this happened anyway. orz i hope you like it!
Chanshik sighs, watching strangers as they dance drunkenly around a bonfire. They’re singing, and the melody is exciting even though the meaning of the lyrics is unclear, almost random. They are sure to have hangovers the next morning but at least they’re enjoying themselves. Chanshik isn't, and the aching in his heart only worsens as the sun sets, the darkness of the sky slowly seeping throughout his body until he feels as if his senses are dulled and all that’s left in the world is himself. It hurts so much, just sitting there and not being able to do anything as memories rush past, filling his thoughts and placing a crinkle on his forehead. They were harsh as they pulled at his heartstrings and threatened for tears to fall from his unseeing eyes and so he wonders why he even wanted to be a wizard in the first place.
Of course, the idea struck him as exciting when Jinyoung visited him all those years ago. Chanshik remembers it as a rainy night. He was rushing home from cram school, using his skinny arms to shield himself from the harsh wind and ignoring how mud stained his slacks as he ran. He was halfway home when it happened. He felt himself being gripped by the waist and suddenly he was already in front of his house, nausea brewing as his legs threatened to give way. His vision was blurring by the time his mom opened the front door.
When he woke up, he was in his room. His mom was sitting beside him, talking in hushed whispers with a red-haired man who looked no more than twenty years old. He was staring straight at Chanshik, his arms crossed and his mouth set in a line. When they noticed that he was already awake, they immediately left the room, his mom telling him that he should rest more.
The next time Chanshik woke up, there was a suitcase by his door and a set of clothes hanging on his closet’s door knob. The red-haired man was standing near him and Chanshik was barely awake. He couldn’t really understand why he was suddenly pulled from the warmth of his bed and up to sit.
It was the morning he found out that magic was real. Not the kind of magic that people performed at shows or at birthday parties, no. Actual magic, as in flying and dragons and making things disappear with a poof. Imagine his surprise and disbelief when the red-haired man who introduced himself as Jinyoung offered to train him-make him a wizard. He need not think of the life he was going to leave, Jinyoung said. There’s always a way when it comes to us wizards, he said. Of course, Chanshik immediately accepted. At the end of that day, he was already saying goodbye to his mom and his little sister. When they were out of sight of his family, Jinyoung took his arm and all of a sudden, his vision was spinning round and round until he fell onto the vast beach that he currently lives at. Since then, six years have passed and Chanshik has been able to master all of the twelve elements.
Mastering the water element was six months of hard work. At first, he really had no idea what to do. Jinyoung explained to him that to become a full-pledged wizard, he must first understand the world he lives in. He must first master the earthly elements. But Chanshik didn’t know how in the world he was going to control water. He probably spent one whole week just staring at the sea, thinking, can I really do this? Chanshik thinks that it was supposed to help when Jinyoung explained it as slowly feeling his way around, understanding the flow of the water bit by bit and gently steering it to another direction but he only became more confused. He took to sitting by the shoreline and putting his hands on the damp sand, waiting for the waves to come and bury them underwater. He tried asking Jinyoung for some help but all the redhead did was say the same thing and maybe show Chanshik a trick or two with water.
That was probably the reason why Chanshik hated living with him. Jinyoung cared enough to ask him about his day and worry about how he was doing, but it was never personal. He was always so stiff and everything he did was empty of affection. It was as if the only reason he was with Chanshik was because he was required to do it. They spent every day together but there was a wall between them. The only conversations they had were small talk: asking what’s for dinner, good morning, good night. Other than that, Jinyoung acted like Chanshik didn’t exist.
It did nothing to help Chanshik learn. The routine of waking up, exchanging a few bland words with Jinyoung, staring at the sea, and sleeping was driving Chanshik to madness. It was when he was so near giving up that Jinyoung had the mind to drop him a hint. Chanshik was about to retreat to his bedroom, a frown on his face as he thought another day wasted, when Jinyoung called him from the sofa.
“You know what your problem is?” Jinyoung said. “You go and stare at the ocean and think that you can control it after one try. Didn’t I tell you that you have to feel your way around, bit by bit? You have to start small.”
The very next day, Chanshik stared at the faucet instead, placing his hand under the running water and trying to understand how it moved, gauging its strength and guiding it according to his will. At first, it was only a minute curb to the left but soon enough, Chanshik was able to control it entirely. He could shape it and summon it from afar. Eventually, Chanshik could control even water from the sea. When he closed his eyes and listened to the waves splashing against the shore, there was a twisting in his gut, and whenever the waves would ebb, he would imagine himself riding the waves with his eyes closed, body full of anticipation for wherever they would bring him. He was having his own little adventure in his mind, and it was all it took to comfort and encourage him.
(
Jinyoung watched, with a keen eye and tensed shoulders, as Chanshik played absentmindedly with a handful of water. He was twisting it around, changing its shape from a ball in his palms to a rope that wound itself around his arms. He was getting the hang of it, and Jinyoung was sure that nothing bad was going to happen but he could never be too sure.
He had been watching Chanshik from the start. Every time he asked Chanshik how his training went, he already knew the answer. He knew all about the kid’s injuries and troubles, ready with advice and first aid whenever Chanshik went back to their little hut. There seemed to be no injuries that day, though. Jinyoung would have nothing else to do later than day than to prepare dinner. Chanshik would go straight to bed after eating, anyway. He knew how it felt to train, knew how much effort it demanded, knew how tiring it could be. He knew that a delicious dinner meant a lot, considering how taxing almost twelve hours of mental torture and trying to make things move and change at will was.
Jinyoung couldn’t stop a smile from taking over his features when he saw Chanshik laugh at the way the waves tickled his toes. Even though it took a while, he was adjusting-enjoying it, even. Jinyoung knew that look on the boy face, and knew that he made the right decision, picking Chanshik to be his apprentice. He never doubted Chanshik one bit.
)
The next Chanshik had to do was to master ice. If he knew how to make water flow, he should also know how to make it stop. It was a lot easier but there were times when Chanshik just couldn’t find it in himself to do it. He couldn’t find it in himself to put a stop to the beauty that water showed when it was free-flowing. His heart broke when he turned it into ice and instead of the familiar sense of accomplishment and feeling of joy in his heart, he would feel blank. Jinyoung had to remind him countless times that ice had its own kind of beauty too. He didn’t expect Chanshik to understand it in depth, just the gist was fine and Chanshik was able to understand just enough for Jinyoung to think that he could move on to the next.
Chanshik always told Jinyoung about his achievements excitedly, hoping for a smile of encouragement or a pat on the back. He wanted to see Jinyoung look even just a little bit proud of him but it never happened. Jinyoung listened to everything with a blank face, giving him pointers and asking questions once in a while but never saying ah, I always knew that you could do it. It made Chanshik upset because even though he knew that Jinyoung had a tough front, whose apprentice was he? He at least wanted his mentor to acknowledge him but instead, all he could do was sigh and leave for his bedroom thinking, maybe someday else, Jinyoung would actually show him that he was a worthy apprentice.
(
Chanshik was struggling. Sure, he could do it, turn water into ice, or coat the ground with a thin layer of ice, but his heart wasn’t in it. He wasn’t enjoying it and that wasn’t good. Jinyoung understood, felt the very same way a few years ago. Every wizard had an element he didn’t feel too comfortable using. For him, it was telekinesis. While it was a valuable element, he didn’t see the beauty in it.
Lots of people would tell him otherwise, that the chance to be all-seeing was too good of a chance to pass up, but Jinyoung didn’t appreciate it. He saw it as a burden-a responsibility so huge that he had to be wary. Still, he had to bear with it, just like how Chanshik would have to bear with ice.
Jinyoung had the utmost confidence in Chanshik. Even though he didn’t show it, he knew how much potential the younger boy held, knew just how far his determination would push him. He didn’t doubt Chanshik’s abilities one bit, sure that one day, the boy would reach great heights. Chanshik would only need himself, his abilities and confidence in what he could do, and he would be able to do things no other wizard has-even Jinyoung.
)
Air was like water. To control it, Chanshik had to understand how it flowed. It was harder though, because air was wilder than water, and very much hostile to beginners. It took a lot of training for Chanshik to master it. He spent months adjusting to air’s ways, taming it slowly but surely. There wasn’t a time that he wanted to give up because he liked air. He knew how it felt and he admired its freedom. He liked how easily it could escape from his grasp and how it wanted to play before giving in to his coaxing.
Time was almost the same but besides being hard to grasp, it was also hard to direct. When Chanshik wanted to go forward, he went backward. When he wanted to slow time, it went faster. Whereas air just wanted to play hard to get, time was a little devil. It played with Chanshik, going against his will and doing all it could to make him furious. It made Chanshik angry to no end because even though he thought he had everything under control, time went and messed things up for him. Every time Chanshik trained though, Jinyoung was there and it served as a reminder for Chanshik that he couldn’t fail when he wasn’t even halfway through the twelve elements. Things were going to get harder and if he lost the willpower to learn just because time was being difficult, what would happen to him while learning the tenth element? The twelfth?
Chanshik was able to finish mastering time because of that line of thinking and in the end, holding back his temper was worth it. Time was a valuable companion, often sensing Chanshik’s mood and adjusting to it. After four months of making Chanshik suffer, time knew how his mind worked. It knew what made Chanshik angry and how much it took to calm him down. More importantly, it knew how long Chanshik needed to stop and take a breather before facing his problems. That was what Chanshik like the most about time, if he were to be honest, because he liked how time slowed whenever he would feel like giving up. The sounds of his everyday life turned into a lullaby when slowed, and because of that Chanshik could sleep without a single worry in his thoughts. He appreciated how it turned everything into blurs of light and barely audible beeps whenever he felt like he wanted to be swallowed whole by the ground because of shame and nerves. It would come to be one of Chanshik’s favorite elements, along with air, flight, and healing, not because of the benefits they gave but how close they were to Chanshik’s heart because of how hard he worked for them.
(
Jinyoung tiptoed to Chanshik’s room, worried. He had come home that day looking more tired than usual. Jinyoung knew that it was probably because of the extra time Chanshik spent training, trying so hard with Time just because he liked the element. Training stretched from the wee hours of the morning to long after the sunset and Jinyoung had no way to stop the kid. It was bad for Chanshik’s health, and no matter how much Jinyoung wanted to put a stop to it, he knew that it was just one of those phases where a wizard is at the peak of his power. It could be because of interest, extensive training, or the craving for self-accomplishment, among many things, and while Jinyoung wasn’t really sure which one applied to Chanshik, he didn’t want to take this away from the boy.
Chanshik was fast asleep when Jinyoung peeked into his room, and with the way his cheeks were sunk and the depth of the dark circles beneath his closed eyes, he looked like he wasn’t going to wake up any time soon. Jinyoung waved his hand, pushing out a wisp of magic that drifted its way to the top of Chanshik’s head, circling around it.
A small smile found its way to Jinyoung’s face, and he didn’t try to stop it. Chanshik was sure to have about three days of only pleasant dreams, and it would be time to gain his strength back. Jinyoung wouldn’t have to watch over him, with worry gnawing at his chest and stomach churning with magic that threatened to rush out of him and envelop Chanshik. They were finally getting their first well-deserved break.
)
Earth was kind to Chanshik. It let him do his work without any trouble, giving him the freedom to study how it works with water and air to give utmost comfort to those living in the world. While water was gentle and air, stubborn, earth was raw with emotion. Love was apparent in the way the way it made everything easier for life in the world. It offered itself to men, letting them use itself for their own good and yet all they did was destroy the world because of selfish wants and easily manipulated minds.
Even through everything, earth kept its kindness. It hoped that maybe there was still a chance for men to redeem themselves. It hoped that the wizards could make that happen-that they could make use of their powers to save the world and men both. That was why earth did its best to help wizards master the earthly elements. It acted very much like how Chanshik expected Mother Nature to be and after mastering all the elements, whenever he remembered the experience of mastering the earth element, he always got this warm feeling in his heart. One reason was the way earth treated him. Every day outside was a wonder for Chanshik, the image of the vast blanket of green that he saw when he was on top of a mountain with Jinyoung remains something that he keeps close to his heart. The way that the sunlight seeped in through the leaves made his heart flutter, memories of late night talks and smores surfacing and putting a silly smile on Chanshik’s face.
It was the first time that Jinyoung actually talked a lot, the first time that he opened his heart out and told Chanshik stories of his past and of the life Chanshik was getting himself into. It was the first time that Chanshik didn’t see Jinyoung as a cold, old wizard, but as the vulnerable nineteen year old that he really was. Jinyoung told him about his own days as an apprentice. He came from a family of merchant wizards but he had always been interested in the story of the tree of life.
According to wizard history, the tree of life was the origin of the world. It was the first living thing on Earth and it was the one who gave life to all the animals and plants. It shaped the clouds and painted the skies, giving light to the world and making sure that everything was in place. It fashioned humans with extra love and care, placing them above all else and giving them intelligence like no other. The tree of life wanted humans to live on and adapt. It wanted to see them prosper on their own, with only a bit of its help once in a while. They failed the tree of life, though, because they became greedy and asked too much from the tree and it didn’t take long for it to get frustrated. It left the humans behind, disappearing from their view and withdrawing itself totally from their lives. Ever since then, help was given in bits and some men took it as their own achievements, believing that good can only come from them and that the world they were living in was irrelevant.
Wizards, though, believed that the tree of life was humanity’s last chance. They believed that by finding the tree and convincing it that men couldn’t live without it, the tree would come back and bless the world with rebirth. That is, rebirth in the sense that the world would be seen in a new way, cleansing it and its people of thoughts that slowly destroyed nature, clawing at it and clinging annoyingly to it even when it tries to push them away.
The tree of life would be Earth’s saving grace and that was why wizards wanted so much to find it. A large fraction of the wizards were searchers. There were also merchants and teachers but Jinyoung wanted no other than to search for the tree of life. He wasn’t fit to be a merchant, he reasoned. He didn’t really like talking to other people, and neither did he like reasoning with them about prices and money. He was a searcher at heart, yearning adventure and wanting to see the world. He easily found himself a mentor and spent only a mere three years training. His determination was unsurpassable, and so was his skill. The only thing left for him to do before he went off on his search was to become a mentor himself and he chose Chanshik. He wouldn’t tell Chanshik why he made that choice but Chanshik didn’t mind. Jinyoung had told him enough. It was much, much more than their normal conversations and so he was satisfied. He didn’t want to push it, really.
After that, they went back to normal. It was different, though. The silence seemed more friendly and less awkward, providing Chanshik with comfort instead of driving him crazy. He didn’t think of Jinyoung as cold as before, instead seeing that beneath his blank eyes and harsh tone was a man who had a golden heart and a determined outlook. It helped Chanshik a lot, if he were to be honest. He was much more interested in learning when he knew that it could mean understanding his mentor a bit more. It was the reason why he mastered lightning so easily, spending only two months learning its ways. Of course, he was so happy when it happened. He became even happier when he told Jinyoung about it, seeing a sliver of a smile appear on his mentor’s usually passive face. His heart skipped a beat in surprise, thinking of nothing but his hopes of maybe seeing a real smile next time.
(
“If you were given the chance, would you have chosen not to be a wizard? To have a normal life?”
The question surprised Jinyoung when Chanshik suddenly asked him with a shy smile and blatantly curious eyes. He kept quiet for a few moments, composing his thoughts from the chaos they went into and struggling to form a decent answer in the confines of his mind.
“To be honest, Chanshik, I’ve never thought about it. From the very first moment I remember in my life, I’ve wanted to be a wizard. The only dream I had was to be able to travel the world and find the tree of life.”
Chanshik hummed in acknowledgment. Jinyoung watched as he held a stick of marshmallows over a glowing bonfire. He had a glimmer of a smile on his face, with an emotion Jinyoung couldn’t place, and his eyes were glazed over, as if he were deep in thought and Jinyoung couldn’t help but wonder what the boy was thinking of.
Was it how he didn’t really get a chance to decide for himself? How Jinyoung and his mom just decided for him, packed his bags and set him on the road to wizardry? Did he regret going with Jinyoung? Did he want to go back home? Jinyoung didn’t want to admit it but the thought of Chanshik giving up and leaving affected him worse than it should. He didn’t want Chanshik to waste his potential. He had grown attached to the boy, and he cared for him too much for the norm. He didn’t want Chanshik to leave.
Jinyoung had tensed and his eyes had turned hard with sadness, but then he saw Chanshik’s eyes on him, warm and happy.
“I never would have changed anything either. This is what I want and I’m glad you chose me. Thank you.”
)
Fire was wild. It was hard to gauge and unpredictable. If Chanshik were to be honest, the mere thought of it made his arms tingle from his shoulders all the way to his fingertips, the sensation of being burned not forgotten by his abused body. It was the time when he would always tread home, gritting his teeth and trying not to collapse, his skin red and his clothes black with ash. Jinyoung would be in the kitchen and Chanshik would sit down beside him. He would feed Chanshik, not even bothering to ask about the burns. He just went on and did it, clucking his tongue whenever Chanshik winced as raw skin brushed against the roughness of his jeans. After that, he would put Chanshik to bed, reasoning that controlling fire consumed a lot of energy and so Chanshik needed to get as much rest as he could. The curious thing was that whenever Chanshik would wake up, his wounds were gone. He had tried asking Jinyoung about it once, but all he got was a shrug and push towards the door. He let it go after the first time. He had already learned not to push Jinyoung. He had learned to keep his mouth shut.
(
Jinyoung made sure that Chanshik was already sleeping before he sat down on the bed and gently took the boy’s blankets off him. He ran his fingers against Chanshik’s damaged skin, assessing just how much he would need to do. He closed his eyes and willed his magic to his fingers. It spread slowly across the expanse of Chanshik’s skin, almost caressing the burns until they were dissolved into his body.
Chanshik’s wounds began to heal and little by little, he went back to normal, the speed of his skin covering the redness of his burns growing exponentially. By the time Jinyoung finished, he could already hear nausea knocking. His body sagged to the side and he wanted nothing more than to lie down on his bed and sleep.
Jinyoung ran a hand through Chanshik’s hair and whispered him a soft good night before leaving the room, ready to gain his strength back for tomorrow’s training.
)
Flight was even worse than fire. It probably was the most frustrating stage for him. He thought that it would be the same as understanding time but it was so much more than that. It was so much more than just plainly having a connection with the element. He had to understand himself too, because flight was the fire that burned inside him. It was the fuel that kept him going, his dreams and desires. It should have been easy, really. Who else should he know more than himself? But Chanshik got stuck. He thought he had everything down but no matter how many times he tried, he still couldn’t fly. There was something missing-something he couldn’t figure out and it smashed his resolve to pieces, slowly eating at his determination and taking all the strength in his knees.
It took Chanshik so long before he figured it out and when he did, he wished he hadn’t. He wished that he didn’t need to accept that bit about himself so that he could truly master flight. He was starting to like Jinyoung a bit more than an apprentice should like his mentor, and it hurt because Chanshik knew that after he masters all the twelve elements, Jinyoung would leave to find the tree of life and he won’t see the older wizard ever again. Searcher wizards never returned. They dedicated their lives to the tree of life but the search was next to impossible.
Because of this, Chanshik denied his feelings, telling himself that he didn’t like Jinyoung that way and he never would. He told himself that Jinyoung was only his mentor. They weren’t even anything close to friends and they would never be anything beyond that. Just because Jinyoung was starting to show some emotion ever since telling him about the tree of life and his own childhood, it didn’t mean that their relationship was slowly going to go from nothing to one bubbling with affection.
Chanshik told himself that he only admired his mentor and how effortless magic seemed to come for him. Chanshik tried so much to get it into his brain that he had no feelings for Jinyoung but it didn’t work. It only made things worse and he chastised himself so much, clutching at his heart and hoping that it would stop beating just so he could get out of his predicament. It didn’t, and Chanshik knew that it wouldn’t any time soon so he strived and fought against himself. He asked himself, why couldn’t he just accept it? What was wrong with liking Jinyoung?
It was Jinyoung’s dream to be the first one to find the tree of life, to be the one who could sway its heart and lead her back to pick the world up and keep it in her care, protecting men and guiding them to the right path with soft whispers in their ears, brought about by the way it swayed with the wind, the rustle of the leaves turning into a constant hum, a reminder of men’s duty on earth. It was the one thing Jinyoung wanted more than any other and if Chanshik didn’t accept it in himself something as trivial as liking someone, if he didn’t learn to accept himself as a whole, he would only be drawing out Jinyoung’s anxiety. Jinyoung would be forced to stay and even though that should make Chanshik happy since it means more time together, he knew that Jinyoung wouldn’t feel the same way. Instead, the wizard would probably become even more detached, and Chanshik wouldn’t be surprised if Jinyoung hated him more and more as each day passed that he couldn’t go about in search of the tree of life, each day that he would be stuck playing babysitter with Chanshik.
That was how eventually, Chanshik mastered flight. He would fly around everywhere and it would shift from the sparkling white sand of the beach to a blanket of green trees, and then to a wide expanse of dark blue water, but Chanshik could only see grey. He couldn’t see the beauty of the world, couldn’t see the beauty of life, because he was stuck hiding away inside his head. He hoped that by doing so, he would one day wake up in a world where he and Jinyoung could get to know each other like any other teenaged couple would, where Jinyoung didn’t wear that mask of indifference, and where Chanshik wasn’t hopeless.
(
Chanshik was ignoring him. Jinyoung saw it in the way he kept his eyes down and how he never stayed in the same room as the redhead if there was anything he could do about it. Jinyoung didn’t know why he was doing it, but he didn’t like it. Things were awkward, more so than before, and even watching Chanshik as he trained became something Jinyoung thought was wrong. It didn’t feel right anymore to show Chanshik that he cared, even though he had been trying to do just that ever since he felt that he needed to open up more when he and Chanshik made s’mores with a bonfire.
He had seen Chanshik’s curious eyes, and he had seen how much the boy wanted to know more. He thought that maybe it wasn’t the best choice to keep himself out of Chanshik’s life. He was already away from his family, his friends-his whole life. He needed someone to be there for him and Jinyoung wanted to be that person.
He was willing to open up to Chanshik, slowly incorporate himself in the other’s life as a figure to look up to, a friend or maybe something more. Jinyoung didn’t know and he didn’t care whatever it would be. He thought it was going well, but suddenly Chanshik was ignoring him like the plague and he didn’t know what to do anymore.
He was stopped halfway to his destination, and he had no idea which was the right direction to take. The only thing he knew was that Chanshik wasn’t so keen on them getting closer anymore, and so that was the road he chose-to comply with Chanshik’s wishes and for them to fall apart even when they were only just beginning to get along.
)
To master light, Chanshik had to look inside himself once again. He had to understand the energy within him, his emotions, his heart. It was torture for Chanshik, to have to go through months of gnawing at his heart, taking it out for the whole world to see and watching as Jinyoung ignored the way it beat entirely for him. He tried hard, tried so so hard that time to somehow get rid of his feelings because they did nothing but hurt him and beat him into surrendering at the end of each day. Chanshik couldn’t though.
He saw it in himself, how much he thought of Jinyoung and how much his entire being was centred on the elder, and it just hurt so much because he had to think of those feelings every time he wanted to use the element. In order to give others light, to give help them and guide them to the right path, he had to sacrifice his own happiness. He had to endure everything, from the burning pain in his heart he felt when memories were flashing before him one by one, invading his mind and making him see stars, to the light pinpricks that they left. It was a sacrifice every wizard had to go through though, and Chanshik knew that if he wanted the best for Jinyoung then he would have to deal with it.
Healing was pretty much the same, only instead of giving people light, he gave them the energy behind the light. It made Chanshik feel more tired, more pained, more desperate, but he also felt a tinge of relief every time he was able to help one person escape from the clutches of death, and even every time he saw the looks of gratitude and fascination when he helped a kid shoo a booboo away. It kept him going, really. When the thought of Jinyoung started to hurt, when the image of him started to flicker in Chanshik’s brain and slowly burn away, Chanshik thought of those happy faces. He thought of teary eyes and genuinely happy smiles, the ones that felt awkward because they hadn’t smiled for so long, but also natural because they really were happy. He got by that way, struggling and on the verge of giving up on everything he had worked so hard for, and by the time that Jinyoung told him that he could move on, he was already too tired of everything, sprawled on his bed whenever he wasn’t out training. It was time for a vacation, Jinyoung decided.
(
Jinyoung had taken to staying at home instead of following Chanshik to his training sessions. Though he had never worried about it before, things were different and he couldn’t risk Chanshik finding out about it. He never really talked to Chanshik anymore, save a few words about dinner or a passing reminder about the weather. They went about their days in silence, only seeing each other for tiny periods of time, even shorter than before.
It was as if Chanshik only went back home to sleep and eat. He spent every waking hour outside, training. Jinyoung could see that it was all he did anymore, and that it took its toll on him. Fatigue was obvious in Chanshik’s body and there wasn’t really anything Jinyoung could do about it. He couldn’t tell Chanshik to eat more or sleep more. He was afraid to. He didn’t want to see Chanshik training because he was afraid to see what was happening, to see how much Chanshik pushed himself. He was afraid that Chanshik would only continue, or maybe act worse, and that he would only be ignored.
He was afraid that their relationship was beyond saving.
)
The vacation, it turned out, was really just a break from training. They stayed in their little hut, and for the first few days Chanshik spent it sleeping, stretching in the mornings, eating his way from the skin and bones he had become to a much healthier body, and meditating everywhere in between. Jinyoung made sure that he got as much rest as he could physically, and after a while, emotionally. They started to have nightly talks, any time Jinyoung thought was right and anywhere they happened to be. It could be outside, with a small fire warming Chanshik’s freezing hands, or inside with the television blaring behind them. They would talk about anything and everything from what Chanshik wanted for lunch the next day, to childhood stories, to questions about what else was in store for Chanshik.
Chanshik didn’t know how it happened, but Jinyoung had asked him one night to stay after dinner and they turned out talking until the wee hours of the morning. It became a habit. Every day, they would talk, save for Sundays, because they spent those days just gazing at the stars and imagining they were somewhere else-somewhere where their wishes could come true and where everything was fine. They lost themselves in their musings, forgetting how their relationship could go from this back to a cold war.
One time, Chanshik was on a whim. He had woken up to sunlight struggling to stream through his curtains, and the faint sound of birds singing outside. He was in a good mood and he found himself to be braver, asking Jinyoung, “Why did you choose me?”
Jinyoung smiled, and it was a smile that was barely there but Chanshik could see the twinkle in his eyes. It was the same twinkle that he saw whenever Jinyoung was talking about his own endeavours, and it was the same twinkle that Chanshik fell in love with the first moment he laid his eyes on it. “You reminded me of myself,” Jinyoung said, and there was the slightest hint of pride in his voice, as if he was trying to hide it, but Chanshik saw it. Chanshik saw it because somehow, he had learned how to understand even the minutest changes, the small crinkle beside Jinyoung’s eye, the unnoticeable quirk of his lip, and even the tilt of his head whenever Chanshik was doing something wrong.
Chanshik always felt a sense of accomplishment whenever he noticed those little things, and at that time, the feeling washed over him tenfold, almost overwhelming him when Jinyoung continued, saying, “I was as determined as you are, and my mentor infinitely better than I am to you. His name was Shinwoo, and he knew practically everything about me-my weaknesses, my limits. He always knew what to do every time I needed a hug or maybe just needed to lie on my bed for just a little bit longer. I don’t know how he did it, but he always knew how to make me feel happy. He always made me feel as if I was the most important person in the world, as if I was the only one who could find the tree of life. He reminded me of my dreams, reminded me of the reason why I decided to go through years of rigorous training, and it worked. It worked so well, maybe a bit too well, because after he left, there was this empty space in my heart. I got used to him, to his words of encouragement and the little touches that pushed me to revive myself. I didn’t want that to happen to you.”
It left Chanshik breathless, with his words stuck in his throat. He wanted to tell Jinyoung that it was okay, that Jinyoung was doing well as a mentor. He was learning, and the void in his chest when Jinyoung would leave wouldn’t be there for the same reasons, so it wouldn’t really be Jinyoung’s fault. It would be there because Chanshik’s heart would be with Jinyoung. It wouldn’t just be about missing someone; it would be about loving and giving his heart out even though he knew that it was next to impossible that he’d ever see Jinyoung again. Chanshik’s heart started hurting, and it was that burning hot pain again, stabbing everywhere, any part of his heart, even those already messily cut and abused. The pain took over Chanshik’s senses, his vision black and ringing in his ears so loud that he almost didn’t hear Jinyoung’s faint mutter of sorry.
(
Jinyoung didn’t know why he said it. He didn’t know how all those words managed to escape from his lips. Then again, he also didn’t know why he and Chanshik were even talking. They were supposed to be ignoring each other, weren’t they? They weren’t supposed to be spending almost every night talking their hearts out, craving to know as much as they could about each other, making up for all those times they stayed silent.
Jinyoung had no idea why he did it but he was thankful. He finally got it out of him, finally got to take that weight off his chest, and he was happy that it happened. He was happy that he got to apologize to Chanshik, even though it meant bursting their little bubble and facing reality.
At least all of their emotions were finally laid out in the open for both of them to see.
)
After that conversation, Chanshik started to distance himself from Jinyoung again, staying in bed all the time until his vacation ended. Then, he refused any help Jinyoung offered, leaving without telling Jinyoung where he was going, eating outside, and going straight to bed when he arrived in their little hut. It was a bit harder for him to train, stress piling higher and higher up his shoulders, but he endured it because even though he thought he could do it, even though he thought he could send Jinyoung off someday, it hurt too much. The pain scared him because what would it feel like when Jinyoung did leave? If the pain was unbearable then, how much would it hurt after? It scared him out of his wits, and so it took him a long, long time to master teleportation and telekinesis.
Chanshik saw the world as it was. It was easy, really, with what he had already learned from training, but he couldn’t see his situation for what it was, fear ruling his mind and erasing before Chanshik could even process them the worried glances Jinyoung sent his way, the way Jinyoung pursed his lips whenever Chanshik would ignore his greeting or his questions, the way Jinyoung finally took his mask off just for him.
It wasn’t until one day, with Chanshik sitting on soft green grass with his head buried in his hands that he would realize everything that he had been missing. He had been training, and he already mastered telekinesis while he had only just touched the surface of teleportation. It had only been a few hours since he started, but it was already taking its toll on Chanshik. He was already frustrated, so so frustrated and he felt so tired that he wanted to give up even though he was only a few more weeks away from finally finishing his training. He was back to having only two or three bites per meal, his heart was torn and ragged, and the dark circles under his eyes were more than enough to show how much he felt like utter crap.
His eyes were closed as he thought about how screwed he was, how he struggled to keep on training and how all of his thoughts were centred on Jinyoung, how he was tired as hell and how he would give anything to just so he could finally finish training for good. He was a mess, but his senses were still intact. When he heard the unmistakable crack of teleportation, he immediately got on his feet in a defensive stance.
“Relax, it’s only me.”
Chanshik did relax, seeing that it was only Jinyoung. He had his arms raised in surrender and he kept himself a reasonable distance away from Chanshik.
“What are you doing here?” Chanshik asked, sitting down again. He wrapped his arms around his knees and stared at everything but Jinyoung.
“We need to talk.” Jinyoung took a deep breath and taking advantage of Chanshik’s silence, he continued. “Actually, I have a lot of things to say and I just need you to listen for a while, okay?”
When Jinyoung saw Chanshik nod minutely, he bit his lip, hesitating. Chanshik was tempted to tell Jinyoung that it was okay but he didn’t trust his voice.
“I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for acting the way I did. I thought it would be for the best but look at us now. I don’t like this, Chanshik. This isn’t healthy at all. I don’t know how we managed to last the majority of six years without a proper conversation but it didn’t do us any good. I want us to part in good terms, Chanshik, so that when we see each other again, it won’t be as awkward.”
Jinyoung was wringing his hands by the time he finished talking, and Chanshik was staring intently at him, head cocked to the side enquiringly.
“When we see each other again?” he asked, and his voice was void of all the emotions Jinyoung had expected. Instead, it was full of wonder.
“When you get past your own mentorship. When you can finally go out there and actually search, Chanshik. I know you can find me. With your abilities and your determination, I know you will,” Jinyoung said. His smile reached his eyes, turning them into mere lines that adorn his face. “I’m not really sure if I should throw this in but I want you to find me. I really do, Chanshik. I hope you feel the same way.”
Words swam in Chanshik’s mind, refusing to form a string of coherence. He was stuck, speechless, and it was all because of Jinyoung.
“Well?” Jinyoung said. He was nervous, and it showed in his too-wide smile and the tilt of his head. It was then that Chanshik snapped out of his daze, brought back to his senses by the odd yet welcome crack in Jinyoung’s exterior. He rarely showed his emotions, and this was a lot of emotion in Chanshik’s opinion. He smiled.
“I will find you. I promise.”
(
Jinyoung relied too much on his instincts. He was there on a whim, a sudden urge to follow Chanshik to his training session. Making his presence known was even more reckless, a thoughtless action, and the last time he had done something like it was back when he was still with Shinwoo.
It didn’t matter though, Jinyoung thought as he held Chanshik, taking in the younger boy’s weary features. While he looked exhausted, Jinyoung couldn’t deny the happiness that filled Chanshik’s lithe body. To know that he was one of the reasons that Chanshik was happy left him elated.
He knew that they were going to part soon, but he couldn’t help but hope that their time together would last longer. It didn’t matter that he would be putting his searching off. Chanshik was more important. He didn’t have the same outlook as before. He wasn’t the boy who was almost desperate to get out of a life of consistency anymore; he wasn’t the kid who wanted to step outside the box just because he didn’t want to be just another Jung merchant wizard. He was the man who cared deeply for another, and while he still wasn’t sure about his feelings, he was sure about one thing.
He wanted to share his dream with Chanshik, and he would see to it.
)
For: sai12
Pairing/Focus: Jinyoung/Chanshik
Rating: pg
Word Count: 7800
Summary: There were thousands of people Jinyoung could choose from and yet Chanshik found himself living in a little hut, on the road to wizardry.
Notes/Warnings: i wasn't really sure what to do when i read your prompt but this happened anyway. orz i hope you like it!
Chanshik sighs, watching strangers as they dance drunkenly around a bonfire. They’re singing, and the melody is exciting even though the meaning of the lyrics is unclear, almost random. They are sure to have hangovers the next morning but at least they’re enjoying themselves. Chanshik isn't, and the aching in his heart only worsens as the sun sets, the darkness of the sky slowly seeping throughout his body until he feels as if his senses are dulled and all that’s left in the world is himself. It hurts so much, just sitting there and not being able to do anything as memories rush past, filling his thoughts and placing a crinkle on his forehead. They were harsh as they pulled at his heartstrings and threatened for tears to fall from his unseeing eyes and so he wonders why he even wanted to be a wizard in the first place.
Of course, the idea struck him as exciting when Jinyoung visited him all those years ago. Chanshik remembers it as a rainy night. He was rushing home from cram school, using his skinny arms to shield himself from the harsh wind and ignoring how mud stained his slacks as he ran. He was halfway home when it happened. He felt himself being gripped by the waist and suddenly he was already in front of his house, nausea brewing as his legs threatened to give way. His vision was blurring by the time his mom opened the front door.
When he woke up, he was in his room. His mom was sitting beside him, talking in hushed whispers with a red-haired man who looked no more than twenty years old. He was staring straight at Chanshik, his arms crossed and his mouth set in a line. When they noticed that he was already awake, they immediately left the room, his mom telling him that he should rest more.
The next time Chanshik woke up, there was a suitcase by his door and a set of clothes hanging on his closet’s door knob. The red-haired man was standing near him and Chanshik was barely awake. He couldn’t really understand why he was suddenly pulled from the warmth of his bed and up to sit.
It was the morning he found out that magic was real. Not the kind of magic that people performed at shows or at birthday parties, no. Actual magic, as in flying and dragons and making things disappear with a poof. Imagine his surprise and disbelief when the red-haired man who introduced himself as Jinyoung offered to train him-make him a wizard. He need not think of the life he was going to leave, Jinyoung said. There’s always a way when it comes to us wizards, he said. Of course, Chanshik immediately accepted. At the end of that day, he was already saying goodbye to his mom and his little sister. When they were out of sight of his family, Jinyoung took his arm and all of a sudden, his vision was spinning round and round until he fell onto the vast beach that he currently lives at. Since then, six years have passed and Chanshik has been able to master all of the twelve elements.
Mastering the water element was six months of hard work. At first, he really had no idea what to do. Jinyoung explained to him that to become a full-pledged wizard, he must first understand the world he lives in. He must first master the earthly elements. But Chanshik didn’t know how in the world he was going to control water. He probably spent one whole week just staring at the sea, thinking, can I really do this? Chanshik thinks that it was supposed to help when Jinyoung explained it as slowly feeling his way around, understanding the flow of the water bit by bit and gently steering it to another direction but he only became more confused. He took to sitting by the shoreline and putting his hands on the damp sand, waiting for the waves to come and bury them underwater. He tried asking Jinyoung for some help but all the redhead did was say the same thing and maybe show Chanshik a trick or two with water.
That was probably the reason why Chanshik hated living with him. Jinyoung cared enough to ask him about his day and worry about how he was doing, but it was never personal. He was always so stiff and everything he did was empty of affection. It was as if the only reason he was with Chanshik was because he was required to do it. They spent every day together but there was a wall between them. The only conversations they had were small talk: asking what’s for dinner, good morning, good night. Other than that, Jinyoung acted like Chanshik didn’t exist.
It did nothing to help Chanshik learn. The routine of waking up, exchanging a few bland words with Jinyoung, staring at the sea, and sleeping was driving Chanshik to madness. It was when he was so near giving up that Jinyoung had the mind to drop him a hint. Chanshik was about to retreat to his bedroom, a frown on his face as he thought another day wasted, when Jinyoung called him from the sofa.
“You know what your problem is?” Jinyoung said. “You go and stare at the ocean and think that you can control it after one try. Didn’t I tell you that you have to feel your way around, bit by bit? You have to start small.”
The very next day, Chanshik stared at the faucet instead, placing his hand under the running water and trying to understand how it moved, gauging its strength and guiding it according to his will. At first, it was only a minute curb to the left but soon enough, Chanshik was able to control it entirely. He could shape it and summon it from afar. Eventually, Chanshik could control even water from the sea. When he closed his eyes and listened to the waves splashing against the shore, there was a twisting in his gut, and whenever the waves would ebb, he would imagine himself riding the waves with his eyes closed, body full of anticipation for wherever they would bring him. He was having his own little adventure in his mind, and it was all it took to comfort and encourage him.
(
Jinyoung watched, with a keen eye and tensed shoulders, as Chanshik played absentmindedly with a handful of water. He was twisting it around, changing its shape from a ball in his palms to a rope that wound itself around his arms. He was getting the hang of it, and Jinyoung was sure that nothing bad was going to happen but he could never be too sure.
He had been watching Chanshik from the start. Every time he asked Chanshik how his training went, he already knew the answer. He knew all about the kid’s injuries and troubles, ready with advice and first aid whenever Chanshik went back to their little hut. There seemed to be no injuries that day, though. Jinyoung would have nothing else to do later than day than to prepare dinner. Chanshik would go straight to bed after eating, anyway. He knew how it felt to train, knew how much effort it demanded, knew how tiring it could be. He knew that a delicious dinner meant a lot, considering how taxing almost twelve hours of mental torture and trying to make things move and change at will was.
Jinyoung couldn’t stop a smile from taking over his features when he saw Chanshik laugh at the way the waves tickled his toes. Even though it took a while, he was adjusting-enjoying it, even. Jinyoung knew that look on the boy face, and knew that he made the right decision, picking Chanshik to be his apprentice. He never doubted Chanshik one bit.
)
The next Chanshik had to do was to master ice. If he knew how to make water flow, he should also know how to make it stop. It was a lot easier but there were times when Chanshik just couldn’t find it in himself to do it. He couldn’t find it in himself to put a stop to the beauty that water showed when it was free-flowing. His heart broke when he turned it into ice and instead of the familiar sense of accomplishment and feeling of joy in his heart, he would feel blank. Jinyoung had to remind him countless times that ice had its own kind of beauty too. He didn’t expect Chanshik to understand it in depth, just the gist was fine and Chanshik was able to understand just enough for Jinyoung to think that he could move on to the next.
Chanshik always told Jinyoung about his achievements excitedly, hoping for a smile of encouragement or a pat on the back. He wanted to see Jinyoung look even just a little bit proud of him but it never happened. Jinyoung listened to everything with a blank face, giving him pointers and asking questions once in a while but never saying ah, I always knew that you could do it. It made Chanshik upset because even though he knew that Jinyoung had a tough front, whose apprentice was he? He at least wanted his mentor to acknowledge him but instead, all he could do was sigh and leave for his bedroom thinking, maybe someday else, Jinyoung would actually show him that he was a worthy apprentice.
(
Chanshik was struggling. Sure, he could do it, turn water into ice, or coat the ground with a thin layer of ice, but his heart wasn’t in it. He wasn’t enjoying it and that wasn’t good. Jinyoung understood, felt the very same way a few years ago. Every wizard had an element he didn’t feel too comfortable using. For him, it was telekinesis. While it was a valuable element, he didn’t see the beauty in it.
Lots of people would tell him otherwise, that the chance to be all-seeing was too good of a chance to pass up, but Jinyoung didn’t appreciate it. He saw it as a burden-a responsibility so huge that he had to be wary. Still, he had to bear with it, just like how Chanshik would have to bear with ice.
Jinyoung had the utmost confidence in Chanshik. Even though he didn’t show it, he knew how much potential the younger boy held, knew just how far his determination would push him. He didn’t doubt Chanshik’s abilities one bit, sure that one day, the boy would reach great heights. Chanshik would only need himself, his abilities and confidence in what he could do, and he would be able to do things no other wizard has-even Jinyoung.
)
Air was like water. To control it, Chanshik had to understand how it flowed. It was harder though, because air was wilder than water, and very much hostile to beginners. It took a lot of training for Chanshik to master it. He spent months adjusting to air’s ways, taming it slowly but surely. There wasn’t a time that he wanted to give up because he liked air. He knew how it felt and he admired its freedom. He liked how easily it could escape from his grasp and how it wanted to play before giving in to his coaxing.
Time was almost the same but besides being hard to grasp, it was also hard to direct. When Chanshik wanted to go forward, he went backward. When he wanted to slow time, it went faster. Whereas air just wanted to play hard to get, time was a little devil. It played with Chanshik, going against his will and doing all it could to make him furious. It made Chanshik angry to no end because even though he thought he had everything under control, time went and messed things up for him. Every time Chanshik trained though, Jinyoung was there and it served as a reminder for Chanshik that he couldn’t fail when he wasn’t even halfway through the twelve elements. Things were going to get harder and if he lost the willpower to learn just because time was being difficult, what would happen to him while learning the tenth element? The twelfth?
Chanshik was able to finish mastering time because of that line of thinking and in the end, holding back his temper was worth it. Time was a valuable companion, often sensing Chanshik’s mood and adjusting to it. After four months of making Chanshik suffer, time knew how his mind worked. It knew what made Chanshik angry and how much it took to calm him down. More importantly, it knew how long Chanshik needed to stop and take a breather before facing his problems. That was what Chanshik like the most about time, if he were to be honest, because he liked how time slowed whenever he would feel like giving up. The sounds of his everyday life turned into a lullaby when slowed, and because of that Chanshik could sleep without a single worry in his thoughts. He appreciated how it turned everything into blurs of light and barely audible beeps whenever he felt like he wanted to be swallowed whole by the ground because of shame and nerves. It would come to be one of Chanshik’s favorite elements, along with air, flight, and healing, not because of the benefits they gave but how close they were to Chanshik’s heart because of how hard he worked for them.
(
Jinyoung tiptoed to Chanshik’s room, worried. He had come home that day looking more tired than usual. Jinyoung knew that it was probably because of the extra time Chanshik spent training, trying so hard with Time just because he liked the element. Training stretched from the wee hours of the morning to long after the sunset and Jinyoung had no way to stop the kid. It was bad for Chanshik’s health, and no matter how much Jinyoung wanted to put a stop to it, he knew that it was just one of those phases where a wizard is at the peak of his power. It could be because of interest, extensive training, or the craving for self-accomplishment, among many things, and while Jinyoung wasn’t really sure which one applied to Chanshik, he didn’t want to take this away from the boy.
Chanshik was fast asleep when Jinyoung peeked into his room, and with the way his cheeks were sunk and the depth of the dark circles beneath his closed eyes, he looked like he wasn’t going to wake up any time soon. Jinyoung waved his hand, pushing out a wisp of magic that drifted its way to the top of Chanshik’s head, circling around it.
A small smile found its way to Jinyoung’s face, and he didn’t try to stop it. Chanshik was sure to have about three days of only pleasant dreams, and it would be time to gain his strength back. Jinyoung wouldn’t have to watch over him, with worry gnawing at his chest and stomach churning with magic that threatened to rush out of him and envelop Chanshik. They were finally getting their first well-deserved break.
)
Earth was kind to Chanshik. It let him do his work without any trouble, giving him the freedom to study how it works with water and air to give utmost comfort to those living in the world. While water was gentle and air, stubborn, earth was raw with emotion. Love was apparent in the way the way it made everything easier for life in the world. It offered itself to men, letting them use itself for their own good and yet all they did was destroy the world because of selfish wants and easily manipulated minds.
Even through everything, earth kept its kindness. It hoped that maybe there was still a chance for men to redeem themselves. It hoped that the wizards could make that happen-that they could make use of their powers to save the world and men both. That was why earth did its best to help wizards master the earthly elements. It acted very much like how Chanshik expected Mother Nature to be and after mastering all the elements, whenever he remembered the experience of mastering the earth element, he always got this warm feeling in his heart. One reason was the way earth treated him. Every day outside was a wonder for Chanshik, the image of the vast blanket of green that he saw when he was on top of a mountain with Jinyoung remains something that he keeps close to his heart. The way that the sunlight seeped in through the leaves made his heart flutter, memories of late night talks and smores surfacing and putting a silly smile on Chanshik’s face.
It was the first time that Jinyoung actually talked a lot, the first time that he opened his heart out and told Chanshik stories of his past and of the life Chanshik was getting himself into. It was the first time that Chanshik didn’t see Jinyoung as a cold, old wizard, but as the vulnerable nineteen year old that he really was. Jinyoung told him about his own days as an apprentice. He came from a family of merchant wizards but he had always been interested in the story of the tree of life.
According to wizard history, the tree of life was the origin of the world. It was the first living thing on Earth and it was the one who gave life to all the animals and plants. It shaped the clouds and painted the skies, giving light to the world and making sure that everything was in place. It fashioned humans with extra love and care, placing them above all else and giving them intelligence like no other. The tree of life wanted humans to live on and adapt. It wanted to see them prosper on their own, with only a bit of its help once in a while. They failed the tree of life, though, because they became greedy and asked too much from the tree and it didn’t take long for it to get frustrated. It left the humans behind, disappearing from their view and withdrawing itself totally from their lives. Ever since then, help was given in bits and some men took it as their own achievements, believing that good can only come from them and that the world they were living in was irrelevant.
Wizards, though, believed that the tree of life was humanity’s last chance. They believed that by finding the tree and convincing it that men couldn’t live without it, the tree would come back and bless the world with rebirth. That is, rebirth in the sense that the world would be seen in a new way, cleansing it and its people of thoughts that slowly destroyed nature, clawing at it and clinging annoyingly to it even when it tries to push them away.
The tree of life would be Earth’s saving grace and that was why wizards wanted so much to find it. A large fraction of the wizards were searchers. There were also merchants and teachers but Jinyoung wanted no other than to search for the tree of life. He wasn’t fit to be a merchant, he reasoned. He didn’t really like talking to other people, and neither did he like reasoning with them about prices and money. He was a searcher at heart, yearning adventure and wanting to see the world. He easily found himself a mentor and spent only a mere three years training. His determination was unsurpassable, and so was his skill. The only thing left for him to do before he went off on his search was to become a mentor himself and he chose Chanshik. He wouldn’t tell Chanshik why he made that choice but Chanshik didn’t mind. Jinyoung had told him enough. It was much, much more than their normal conversations and so he was satisfied. He didn’t want to push it, really.
After that, they went back to normal. It was different, though. The silence seemed more friendly and less awkward, providing Chanshik with comfort instead of driving him crazy. He didn’t think of Jinyoung as cold as before, instead seeing that beneath his blank eyes and harsh tone was a man who had a golden heart and a determined outlook. It helped Chanshik a lot, if he were to be honest. He was much more interested in learning when he knew that it could mean understanding his mentor a bit more. It was the reason why he mastered lightning so easily, spending only two months learning its ways. Of course, he was so happy when it happened. He became even happier when he told Jinyoung about it, seeing a sliver of a smile appear on his mentor’s usually passive face. His heart skipped a beat in surprise, thinking of nothing but his hopes of maybe seeing a real smile next time.
(
“If you were given the chance, would you have chosen not to be a wizard? To have a normal life?”
The question surprised Jinyoung when Chanshik suddenly asked him with a shy smile and blatantly curious eyes. He kept quiet for a few moments, composing his thoughts from the chaos they went into and struggling to form a decent answer in the confines of his mind.
“To be honest, Chanshik, I’ve never thought about it. From the very first moment I remember in my life, I’ve wanted to be a wizard. The only dream I had was to be able to travel the world and find the tree of life.”
Chanshik hummed in acknowledgment. Jinyoung watched as he held a stick of marshmallows over a glowing bonfire. He had a glimmer of a smile on his face, with an emotion Jinyoung couldn’t place, and his eyes were glazed over, as if he were deep in thought and Jinyoung couldn’t help but wonder what the boy was thinking of.
Was it how he didn’t really get a chance to decide for himself? How Jinyoung and his mom just decided for him, packed his bags and set him on the road to wizardry? Did he regret going with Jinyoung? Did he want to go back home? Jinyoung didn’t want to admit it but the thought of Chanshik giving up and leaving affected him worse than it should. He didn’t want Chanshik to waste his potential. He had grown attached to the boy, and he cared for him too much for the norm. He didn’t want Chanshik to leave.
Jinyoung had tensed and his eyes had turned hard with sadness, but then he saw Chanshik’s eyes on him, warm and happy.
“I never would have changed anything either. This is what I want and I’m glad you chose me. Thank you.”
)
Fire was wild. It was hard to gauge and unpredictable. If Chanshik were to be honest, the mere thought of it made his arms tingle from his shoulders all the way to his fingertips, the sensation of being burned not forgotten by his abused body. It was the time when he would always tread home, gritting his teeth and trying not to collapse, his skin red and his clothes black with ash. Jinyoung would be in the kitchen and Chanshik would sit down beside him. He would feed Chanshik, not even bothering to ask about the burns. He just went on and did it, clucking his tongue whenever Chanshik winced as raw skin brushed against the roughness of his jeans. After that, he would put Chanshik to bed, reasoning that controlling fire consumed a lot of energy and so Chanshik needed to get as much rest as he could. The curious thing was that whenever Chanshik would wake up, his wounds were gone. He had tried asking Jinyoung about it once, but all he got was a shrug and push towards the door. He let it go after the first time. He had already learned not to push Jinyoung. He had learned to keep his mouth shut.
(
Jinyoung made sure that Chanshik was already sleeping before he sat down on the bed and gently took the boy’s blankets off him. He ran his fingers against Chanshik’s damaged skin, assessing just how much he would need to do. He closed his eyes and willed his magic to his fingers. It spread slowly across the expanse of Chanshik’s skin, almost caressing the burns until they were dissolved into his body.
Chanshik’s wounds began to heal and little by little, he went back to normal, the speed of his skin covering the redness of his burns growing exponentially. By the time Jinyoung finished, he could already hear nausea knocking. His body sagged to the side and he wanted nothing more than to lie down on his bed and sleep.
Jinyoung ran a hand through Chanshik’s hair and whispered him a soft good night before leaving the room, ready to gain his strength back for tomorrow’s training.
)
Flight was even worse than fire. It probably was the most frustrating stage for him. He thought that it would be the same as understanding time but it was so much more than that. It was so much more than just plainly having a connection with the element. He had to understand himself too, because flight was the fire that burned inside him. It was the fuel that kept him going, his dreams and desires. It should have been easy, really. Who else should he know more than himself? But Chanshik got stuck. He thought he had everything down but no matter how many times he tried, he still couldn’t fly. There was something missing-something he couldn’t figure out and it smashed his resolve to pieces, slowly eating at his determination and taking all the strength in his knees.
It took Chanshik so long before he figured it out and when he did, he wished he hadn’t. He wished that he didn’t need to accept that bit about himself so that he could truly master flight. He was starting to like Jinyoung a bit more than an apprentice should like his mentor, and it hurt because Chanshik knew that after he masters all the twelve elements, Jinyoung would leave to find the tree of life and he won’t see the older wizard ever again. Searcher wizards never returned. They dedicated their lives to the tree of life but the search was next to impossible.
Because of this, Chanshik denied his feelings, telling himself that he didn’t like Jinyoung that way and he never would. He told himself that Jinyoung was only his mentor. They weren’t even anything close to friends and they would never be anything beyond that. Just because Jinyoung was starting to show some emotion ever since telling him about the tree of life and his own childhood, it didn’t mean that their relationship was slowly going to go from nothing to one bubbling with affection.
Chanshik told himself that he only admired his mentor and how effortless magic seemed to come for him. Chanshik tried so much to get it into his brain that he had no feelings for Jinyoung but it didn’t work. It only made things worse and he chastised himself so much, clutching at his heart and hoping that it would stop beating just so he could get out of his predicament. It didn’t, and Chanshik knew that it wouldn’t any time soon so he strived and fought against himself. He asked himself, why couldn’t he just accept it? What was wrong with liking Jinyoung?
It was Jinyoung’s dream to be the first one to find the tree of life, to be the one who could sway its heart and lead her back to pick the world up and keep it in her care, protecting men and guiding them to the right path with soft whispers in their ears, brought about by the way it swayed with the wind, the rustle of the leaves turning into a constant hum, a reminder of men’s duty on earth. It was the one thing Jinyoung wanted more than any other and if Chanshik didn’t accept it in himself something as trivial as liking someone, if he didn’t learn to accept himself as a whole, he would only be drawing out Jinyoung’s anxiety. Jinyoung would be forced to stay and even though that should make Chanshik happy since it means more time together, he knew that Jinyoung wouldn’t feel the same way. Instead, the wizard would probably become even more detached, and Chanshik wouldn’t be surprised if Jinyoung hated him more and more as each day passed that he couldn’t go about in search of the tree of life, each day that he would be stuck playing babysitter with Chanshik.
That was how eventually, Chanshik mastered flight. He would fly around everywhere and it would shift from the sparkling white sand of the beach to a blanket of green trees, and then to a wide expanse of dark blue water, but Chanshik could only see grey. He couldn’t see the beauty of the world, couldn’t see the beauty of life, because he was stuck hiding away inside his head. He hoped that by doing so, he would one day wake up in a world where he and Jinyoung could get to know each other like any other teenaged couple would, where Jinyoung didn’t wear that mask of indifference, and where Chanshik wasn’t hopeless.
(
Chanshik was ignoring him. Jinyoung saw it in the way he kept his eyes down and how he never stayed in the same room as the redhead if there was anything he could do about it. Jinyoung didn’t know why he was doing it, but he didn’t like it. Things were awkward, more so than before, and even watching Chanshik as he trained became something Jinyoung thought was wrong. It didn’t feel right anymore to show Chanshik that he cared, even though he had been trying to do just that ever since he felt that he needed to open up more when he and Chanshik made s’mores with a bonfire.
He had seen Chanshik’s curious eyes, and he had seen how much the boy wanted to know more. He thought that maybe it wasn’t the best choice to keep himself out of Chanshik’s life. He was already away from his family, his friends-his whole life. He needed someone to be there for him and Jinyoung wanted to be that person.
He was willing to open up to Chanshik, slowly incorporate himself in the other’s life as a figure to look up to, a friend or maybe something more. Jinyoung didn’t know and he didn’t care whatever it would be. He thought it was going well, but suddenly Chanshik was ignoring him like the plague and he didn’t know what to do anymore.
He was stopped halfway to his destination, and he had no idea which was the right direction to take. The only thing he knew was that Chanshik wasn’t so keen on them getting closer anymore, and so that was the road he chose-to comply with Chanshik’s wishes and for them to fall apart even when they were only just beginning to get along.
)
To master light, Chanshik had to look inside himself once again. He had to understand the energy within him, his emotions, his heart. It was torture for Chanshik, to have to go through months of gnawing at his heart, taking it out for the whole world to see and watching as Jinyoung ignored the way it beat entirely for him. He tried hard, tried so so hard that time to somehow get rid of his feelings because they did nothing but hurt him and beat him into surrendering at the end of each day. Chanshik couldn’t though.
He saw it in himself, how much he thought of Jinyoung and how much his entire being was centred on the elder, and it just hurt so much because he had to think of those feelings every time he wanted to use the element. In order to give others light, to give help them and guide them to the right path, he had to sacrifice his own happiness. He had to endure everything, from the burning pain in his heart he felt when memories were flashing before him one by one, invading his mind and making him see stars, to the light pinpricks that they left. It was a sacrifice every wizard had to go through though, and Chanshik knew that if he wanted the best for Jinyoung then he would have to deal with it.
Healing was pretty much the same, only instead of giving people light, he gave them the energy behind the light. It made Chanshik feel more tired, more pained, more desperate, but he also felt a tinge of relief every time he was able to help one person escape from the clutches of death, and even every time he saw the looks of gratitude and fascination when he helped a kid shoo a booboo away. It kept him going, really. When the thought of Jinyoung started to hurt, when the image of him started to flicker in Chanshik’s brain and slowly burn away, Chanshik thought of those happy faces. He thought of teary eyes and genuinely happy smiles, the ones that felt awkward because they hadn’t smiled for so long, but also natural because they really were happy. He got by that way, struggling and on the verge of giving up on everything he had worked so hard for, and by the time that Jinyoung told him that he could move on, he was already too tired of everything, sprawled on his bed whenever he wasn’t out training. It was time for a vacation, Jinyoung decided.
(
Jinyoung had taken to staying at home instead of following Chanshik to his training sessions. Though he had never worried about it before, things were different and he couldn’t risk Chanshik finding out about it. He never really talked to Chanshik anymore, save a few words about dinner or a passing reminder about the weather. They went about their days in silence, only seeing each other for tiny periods of time, even shorter than before.
It was as if Chanshik only went back home to sleep and eat. He spent every waking hour outside, training. Jinyoung could see that it was all he did anymore, and that it took its toll on him. Fatigue was obvious in Chanshik’s body and there wasn’t really anything Jinyoung could do about it. He couldn’t tell Chanshik to eat more or sleep more. He was afraid to. He didn’t want to see Chanshik training because he was afraid to see what was happening, to see how much Chanshik pushed himself. He was afraid that Chanshik would only continue, or maybe act worse, and that he would only be ignored.
He was afraid that their relationship was beyond saving.
)
The vacation, it turned out, was really just a break from training. They stayed in their little hut, and for the first few days Chanshik spent it sleeping, stretching in the mornings, eating his way from the skin and bones he had become to a much healthier body, and meditating everywhere in between. Jinyoung made sure that he got as much rest as he could physically, and after a while, emotionally. They started to have nightly talks, any time Jinyoung thought was right and anywhere they happened to be. It could be outside, with a small fire warming Chanshik’s freezing hands, or inside with the television blaring behind them. They would talk about anything and everything from what Chanshik wanted for lunch the next day, to childhood stories, to questions about what else was in store for Chanshik.
Chanshik didn’t know how it happened, but Jinyoung had asked him one night to stay after dinner and they turned out talking until the wee hours of the morning. It became a habit. Every day, they would talk, save for Sundays, because they spent those days just gazing at the stars and imagining they were somewhere else-somewhere where their wishes could come true and where everything was fine. They lost themselves in their musings, forgetting how their relationship could go from this back to a cold war.
One time, Chanshik was on a whim. He had woken up to sunlight struggling to stream through his curtains, and the faint sound of birds singing outside. He was in a good mood and he found himself to be braver, asking Jinyoung, “Why did you choose me?”
Jinyoung smiled, and it was a smile that was barely there but Chanshik could see the twinkle in his eyes. It was the same twinkle that he saw whenever Jinyoung was talking about his own endeavours, and it was the same twinkle that Chanshik fell in love with the first moment he laid his eyes on it. “You reminded me of myself,” Jinyoung said, and there was the slightest hint of pride in his voice, as if he was trying to hide it, but Chanshik saw it. Chanshik saw it because somehow, he had learned how to understand even the minutest changes, the small crinkle beside Jinyoung’s eye, the unnoticeable quirk of his lip, and even the tilt of his head whenever Chanshik was doing something wrong.
Chanshik always felt a sense of accomplishment whenever he noticed those little things, and at that time, the feeling washed over him tenfold, almost overwhelming him when Jinyoung continued, saying, “I was as determined as you are, and my mentor infinitely better than I am to you. His name was Shinwoo, and he knew practically everything about me-my weaknesses, my limits. He always knew what to do every time I needed a hug or maybe just needed to lie on my bed for just a little bit longer. I don’t know how he did it, but he always knew how to make me feel happy. He always made me feel as if I was the most important person in the world, as if I was the only one who could find the tree of life. He reminded me of my dreams, reminded me of the reason why I decided to go through years of rigorous training, and it worked. It worked so well, maybe a bit too well, because after he left, there was this empty space in my heart. I got used to him, to his words of encouragement and the little touches that pushed me to revive myself. I didn’t want that to happen to you.”
It left Chanshik breathless, with his words stuck in his throat. He wanted to tell Jinyoung that it was okay, that Jinyoung was doing well as a mentor. He was learning, and the void in his chest when Jinyoung would leave wouldn’t be there for the same reasons, so it wouldn’t really be Jinyoung’s fault. It would be there because Chanshik’s heart would be with Jinyoung. It wouldn’t just be about missing someone; it would be about loving and giving his heart out even though he knew that it was next to impossible that he’d ever see Jinyoung again. Chanshik’s heart started hurting, and it was that burning hot pain again, stabbing everywhere, any part of his heart, even those already messily cut and abused. The pain took over Chanshik’s senses, his vision black and ringing in his ears so loud that he almost didn’t hear Jinyoung’s faint mutter of sorry.
(
Jinyoung didn’t know why he said it. He didn’t know how all those words managed to escape from his lips. Then again, he also didn’t know why he and Chanshik were even talking. They were supposed to be ignoring each other, weren’t they? They weren’t supposed to be spending almost every night talking their hearts out, craving to know as much as they could about each other, making up for all those times they stayed silent.
Jinyoung had no idea why he did it but he was thankful. He finally got it out of him, finally got to take that weight off his chest, and he was happy that it happened. He was happy that he got to apologize to Chanshik, even though it meant bursting their little bubble and facing reality.
At least all of their emotions were finally laid out in the open for both of them to see.
)
After that conversation, Chanshik started to distance himself from Jinyoung again, staying in bed all the time until his vacation ended. Then, he refused any help Jinyoung offered, leaving without telling Jinyoung where he was going, eating outside, and going straight to bed when he arrived in their little hut. It was a bit harder for him to train, stress piling higher and higher up his shoulders, but he endured it because even though he thought he could do it, even though he thought he could send Jinyoung off someday, it hurt too much. The pain scared him because what would it feel like when Jinyoung did leave? If the pain was unbearable then, how much would it hurt after? It scared him out of his wits, and so it took him a long, long time to master teleportation and telekinesis.
Chanshik saw the world as it was. It was easy, really, with what he had already learned from training, but he couldn’t see his situation for what it was, fear ruling his mind and erasing before Chanshik could even process them the worried glances Jinyoung sent his way, the way Jinyoung pursed his lips whenever Chanshik would ignore his greeting or his questions, the way Jinyoung finally took his mask off just for him.
It wasn’t until one day, with Chanshik sitting on soft green grass with his head buried in his hands that he would realize everything that he had been missing. He had been training, and he already mastered telekinesis while he had only just touched the surface of teleportation. It had only been a few hours since he started, but it was already taking its toll on Chanshik. He was already frustrated, so so frustrated and he felt so tired that he wanted to give up even though he was only a few more weeks away from finally finishing his training. He was back to having only two or three bites per meal, his heart was torn and ragged, and the dark circles under his eyes were more than enough to show how much he felt like utter crap.
His eyes were closed as he thought about how screwed he was, how he struggled to keep on training and how all of his thoughts were centred on Jinyoung, how he was tired as hell and how he would give anything to just so he could finally finish training for good. He was a mess, but his senses were still intact. When he heard the unmistakable crack of teleportation, he immediately got on his feet in a defensive stance.
“Relax, it’s only me.”
Chanshik did relax, seeing that it was only Jinyoung. He had his arms raised in surrender and he kept himself a reasonable distance away from Chanshik.
“What are you doing here?” Chanshik asked, sitting down again. He wrapped his arms around his knees and stared at everything but Jinyoung.
“We need to talk.” Jinyoung took a deep breath and taking advantage of Chanshik’s silence, he continued. “Actually, I have a lot of things to say and I just need you to listen for a while, okay?”
When Jinyoung saw Chanshik nod minutely, he bit his lip, hesitating. Chanshik was tempted to tell Jinyoung that it was okay but he didn’t trust his voice.
“I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for acting the way I did. I thought it would be for the best but look at us now. I don’t like this, Chanshik. This isn’t healthy at all. I don’t know how we managed to last the majority of six years without a proper conversation but it didn’t do us any good. I want us to part in good terms, Chanshik, so that when we see each other again, it won’t be as awkward.”
Jinyoung was wringing his hands by the time he finished talking, and Chanshik was staring intently at him, head cocked to the side enquiringly.
“When we see each other again?” he asked, and his voice was void of all the emotions Jinyoung had expected. Instead, it was full of wonder.
“When you get past your own mentorship. When you can finally go out there and actually search, Chanshik. I know you can find me. With your abilities and your determination, I know you will,” Jinyoung said. His smile reached his eyes, turning them into mere lines that adorn his face. “I’m not really sure if I should throw this in but I want you to find me. I really do, Chanshik. I hope you feel the same way.”
Words swam in Chanshik’s mind, refusing to form a string of coherence. He was stuck, speechless, and it was all because of Jinyoung.
“Well?” Jinyoung said. He was nervous, and it showed in his too-wide smile and the tilt of his head. It was then that Chanshik snapped out of his daze, brought back to his senses by the odd yet welcome crack in Jinyoung’s exterior. He rarely showed his emotions, and this was a lot of emotion in Chanshik’s opinion. He smiled.
“I will find you. I promise.”
(
Jinyoung relied too much on his instincts. He was there on a whim, a sudden urge to follow Chanshik to his training session. Making his presence known was even more reckless, a thoughtless action, and the last time he had done something like it was back when he was still with Shinwoo.
It didn’t matter though, Jinyoung thought as he held Chanshik, taking in the younger boy’s weary features. While he looked exhausted, Jinyoung couldn’t deny the happiness that filled Chanshik’s lithe body. To know that he was one of the reasons that Chanshik was happy left him elated.
He knew that they were going to part soon, but he couldn’t help but hope that their time together would last longer. It didn’t matter that he would be putting his searching off. Chanshik was more important. He didn’t have the same outlook as before. He wasn’t the boy who was almost desperate to get out of a life of consistency anymore; he wasn’t the kid who wanted to step outside the box just because he didn’t want to be just another Jung merchant wizard. He was the man who cared deeply for another, and while he still wasn’t sure about his feelings, he was sure about one thing.
He wanted to share his dream with Chanshik, and he would see to it.
)