(no subject)
I feel so hopeless, I really do.
Today was so horrible. Justin makes me feel so bad... without even trying. It's just that I screwed up and that he doesn't want me anymore that's getting to me. I've cried so much, it's ridiculous. I love him so much, he just doesn't love me back anymore. I can't begin to tell you how much I'm hurting. I already hated school and now I just wanna cry all day. I can't think in class. I can't do anything, but think of where I went wrong.
Things weren't even really my fault. I really just blame it on my past. I blame it on people making me feel ugly and worthless. I blame it on everyone's alcohol problems. I blame it on being molested for 7 years. How could those things NOT damage you? And I know I took it out on the wrong person, but I thought out of all people he would understand. Out of all people, he would forgive me and fix me.
I tried so hard to change over this summer and I did and I did it for him, but by that time he stopped talking to me. I got my chance again and I blew it, going out with stupid stupid Jason. All I want is my baby back. The one person who knows all my secrets, my best friend. I need to feel right again. When we first started going on, those where the best months of my life. I know people move on... at this point I just can't see how... he's all I want and I could never do any better. If I can't have him, I don't want anyone else and I sound so utterly pathetic saying all this, I know. And it's not like he's ever gonna change his mind, I just need to vent. I just need a release and maybe things will start getting better.
I keep going to school, hoping things will get better, but with all that's going on... there's just no point in going and feeling like shit the whole time. Last year was bad, but last year I had Justin to keep me there. Now, not only do I not have him, but I can't have him and seeing him makes me cry and I can't even think of doing any homework when I know he's in class doing fine without me.
Today was so horrible. Justin makes me feel so bad... without even trying. It's just that I screwed up and that he doesn't want me anymore that's getting to me. I've cried so much, it's ridiculous. I love him so much, he just doesn't love me back anymore. I can't begin to tell you how much I'm hurting. I already hated school and now I just wanna cry all day. I can't think in class. I can't do anything, but think of where I went wrong.
Things weren't even really my fault. I really just blame it on my past. I blame it on people making me feel ugly and worthless. I blame it on everyone's alcohol problems. I blame it on being molested for 7 years. How could those things NOT damage you? And I know I took it out on the wrong person, but I thought out of all people he would understand. Out of all people, he would forgive me and fix me.
I tried so hard to change over this summer and I did and I did it for him, but by that time he stopped talking to me. I got my chance again and I blew it, going out with stupid stupid Jason. All I want is my baby back. The one person who knows all my secrets, my best friend. I need to feel right again. When we first started going on, those where the best months of my life. I know people move on... at this point I just can't see how... he's all I want and I could never do any better. If I can't have him, I don't want anyone else and I sound so utterly pathetic saying all this, I know. And it's not like he's ever gonna change his mind, I just need to vent. I just need a release and maybe things will start getting better.
I keep going to school, hoping things will get better, but with all that's going on... there's just no point in going and feeling like shit the whole time. Last year was bad, but last year I had Justin to keep me there. Now, not only do I not have him, but I can't have him and seeing him makes me cry and I can't even think of doing any homework when I know he's in class doing fine without me.