>*bLaSt*< from the _PAST_
So, I've decided that my LJ is probably the most reliable site. I have some of my writings on Freewebs.com and it's constantly sending me emails, telling me I must log in if I want to keep it. Thus, I figure I should post them here just to be safe. They are EXTREMELY old (approx. 4-5 years), but I definitely don't want to lose them. So, if you've never read them, here's your chance.
LYRICS
Familiar Territory
I'm so confused,
I thought it had all passed
But I'm feeling the same
And it's hitting so fast.
I can't escape these feelings
Which never seem to end,
Trying to overpower me
My mind can no longer defend.
I feel my mind and my body
Growing more defenseless,
That the reality of my life
Has become so senseless.
(Chorus 1)
Contradicting..
Everything I say,
Everything I feel..
Seems so empty,
Seems so unreal.
I no longer feel
Life as something fair.
So close to forgetting
All these feelings of despair.
I lack total control
Of what's come over me,
It affects everyone.
I can no longer breath.
(Chorus 2)
Hurting..
Everyone I care for,
Everyone I live for..
Seems so cruel,
Seems so sore.
I want to close my eyes
And keep them shut forever.
I don't want to understand
Why my thoughts always sever.
My mind slowly disappears,
It's drawing a blank.
As my body becomes numb
I know it's finally sank,
Into the coldness
That was once so familiar.
I am home now.
_______________
Wishing For The Worst
Ignoring the way I feel
I disguise it, feeling so unreal.
But I'm seen through my weak eyes
And through my careless lies.
Certain that you can see
Right past this act, right through me.
Feeling so vulnerable, so bare.
I wish that I still didn't care.
(Chorus)
The emotionless past that I once knew,
Teases me, knowing it's something I can no longer do.
Withdrawing my emotions so relentlessly,
Caring only for me.
Why can't that still be.. how I am now?
I've become lost in this lonely world,
Finding myself in a dark corner, tightly curled.
Wondering if the emptiness will ever fade,
To finally end this pointless sherade.
(Chorus)
_______________
Lost
(Elaine Mahon & Adam Rose)
Am I the only one who feels life is but a joke?
Loves to see you suffer and in the end choke.
Seems as though it feeds on misery and pain,
And craves to do it over and over again.
Is the world as evil and careless as it appears?
Or is it all just more than I can bear?
Don't know how to deal with all this shit I've been feeling,
Don't fucking understand what my mind has been revealing.
Need to put an end to all of these deceptions..
(Chorus)
If only I could see the world through someone else's eyes,
Someone else's eyes, someone else's eyes..
Perhaps I could deceive myself with someone else's lies.
Would it be any different than the life I live today?
Could I just go on living someone else's way?
I hate all this confusion and solitude I feel,
Is there someone out there, someone who can help me deal?
Someone who sees this fucked up world exactly as I see,
Someone who isn't blinded by it's fucked up fantasy.
Need to put an end to all of these deceptions..
(Chorus)
Need to put an end to all of these deceptions..
_______________
RANTS
Mind Trap
I sit and cry,
Surrounded by darkness.
My mind swallows me up.
I feel insignificant,
Lost,
Weak,
Immobile.
I have no control.
Losing myself slowly,
For good.
I can't adapt.
My frustration carries me away.
Away,
Into a dark,
Small,
Cold chamber.
Deep within my overpowering mind.
I curl myself into a ball,
Protecting myself,
Knowing that it will never be the same.
Gone forever,
Gone for good.
My thoughts collide.
But my mind takes no notice,
For it rules me.
Lost,
Struggling,
Confused.
Will I ever gain control?
Or just waste away?
Fade,
Fading,
Fading into darkness.
Can't find myself amongst the darkness.
Solitude,
Confusion,
Frustration.
Spills from within.
Revealing,
Exposing.
I feel the need for closure.
The feeling of security surrounds me,
As I escape from the world.
But yet there is no escaping.
The mind traps you.
You are now its prisoner,
Its victim.
Survival is rare.
_______________
Untitled
You were dead before you were born,
You will be dead after you die.
What is the difference?
We know no better.
To love, to hate, to live, to die,
It's different yet it's the same
I am me, you are you,
I do what I please.
So who are you to comment?
You point your finger,
Look in the mirror,
Alienation, isolation, segregation.
_______________
Downward Spiral
I feel because I hurt,
I hurt because I love.
My sorrow strikes me,
Hitting me all at once.
So hard,
So constant.
I think about the pain and try to ignore it.
Pretending it's not really there,
Since others are unable to see it.
But it only worsens.
It only grows,
It only intensifies,
I am ambushed.
Attacked, invaded, conquered and defeated.
I am left to struggle in my internal Hell.
The images and the memories eat away at me,
Making sure there's not a morsel of sanity left within me.
No hope,
No reassurance.
Making sure I force myself into solitude.
I grow lifeless, as I am consumed slowly.
So I can feel the prolonged, intense sensation of failure
That casts over my mind, so I can no longer see clearly.
I am fading into the blur..
I disappear.
_______________
Alone
I've drifted away,
Lost and led astray.
I'm living so alone,
Hurt and on my own.
Longing for something stable
But independence is my label.
If I give into my weak desires,
I will burn in my internal fires.
For I have been deceived.
No longer am I perceived.
As my strength is being tugged
From one side to the other,
Unsure if I’m a fighter or a lover.
Lost in my unrealistic dreams,
Or perhaps realistic..
Sometimes it would seem.
Confused about so much,
Certain about so little.
Lost touch with my thoughts,
My emotions..
I stare..
Hoping to draw a blank.
_______________
"Punk"
You see, to me punk is not about rebellion or about defying authority. It's about making a positive change in the world, standing up for what you believe, refusing to conform and not caring about what other people think. Our generation is so much more "free" than those before us; we are more open-minded and less prejudice (or so we think). Many adults still perceive "punks" in a negative way. Maybe it's based on previous experience. Maybe it's their way of keeping things simple. Or maybe they just don't want to go against their upbringing. Who knows? All I really know is that something must be done about this: I'm sick of people being stereotyped in such nasty ways.
It seems that more and more people are adopting the "punk look" because it's the new "in" thing, I just don't get it. Just because someone looks the part, it doesn't automatically make him or her a punk. And just because they don't dress like one, it doesn't mean they aren't one either. The look -- and the attitude people tend to associate with it -- has adopted such negative social connotations that the entire concept of punk has been misconstrued to become a "bad" thing.
I know I'm no authority on what punk is and isn't, but I can say this: Blue hair is not bad. Spiked hair is not bad. Tattoos are not bad. Piercings are not bad. The meaning behind all of these is self-expression: It's a form of art. If anyone has any ulterior motives for having these done, then here's my message to the world: Please don't assume that because a few "bad apples" (as many are so eager to call them) might look a certain way, that everyone else who might be dressed similarly is exactly the same person on the inside too. Why must people be so quick to judge?
People have a tendency to associate punk music with the "punk attitude" and the "punk look"-- which, it is worth mentioning, is a complete misconception in itself -- and if they don't like one, then they don't like any of them. People (especially adults and older generations) automatically associate piercings, torn clothing, coloured hair, tattoos, etc. with punk culture -- which is really sad, because it's so wrong. The essence of punk is to NOT conform. Yet, by identifying a "punk look" they are forcing them to conform to this dress code. They are creating a category for punks to fit into, when the very thing they're trying to accomplish is the establishment of there being no such category! And what's worse, other people see this look and decide that they want to join in the fun too. So they dress the way society has decided will be what punks are "supposed" to look like -- making them "official" punks (also known as posers), by society's standards. This creates even more of a challenge for the "true" punks. They must continue struggling to be punks in their own right, which means struggling to break free from this new and incredibly false image that society has created for them.
_______________
POEMS
Blind
I look out the window and what do I see?
A world filled with blindness and stupidity.
Is there someone else who feels the same as I?
Or do I stand alone with these empty tears that I cry?
If only I understood why people have said,
"Life is worth living," I might not be dead.
Physically I am here, but much I do not feel.
My mind is lost, so little I can reveal:
About who I am and why I exist.
Am I of any importance, or will I hardly be missed?
I feel there is something that is keeping me here,
But finding out what only fills me with fear.
Life has no freedom it pulls you away,
From the people you love most who are never here to stay.
For life has its good fortune but only to those who see,
A world that is blinded and hidden by fantasy.
I don't know how much more pain I can endear,
Before I break and shatter, and cry my last tear.
But for now I will try and keep myself strong,
And hope that the day I understand soon comes along.
Looking straight ahead, holding my head up high,
Hoping that one day I will understand why.
I had so many questions always running through my mind,
Perhaps this is my purpose, the answers I need to find.
But with so little motivation and even less will,
I find myself slipping and growing more ill.
But without any strength to keep up with my mind,
I should have created a fantasy so that I could be blind.
_______________
Separation
Why must it be so hard
To be able to believe
In energies and souls and other spirits,
Which some say we conceive?
Why must some of us
Take so much more convincing?
Is there something out there
That we all must be missing?
Why can't we all just share
The same experiences,
Without all of our own separate beliefs
Being of any interference?
If only I could understand why
I was being left in the dark.
When what we had was stronger
Then just a few little sparks.
Like a powerful connection
That was so unbelievably strong,
But reaching the end we both sensed
An awkward feeling that felt so wrong.
I just wish that one day
I am able to survive
The re-encounter of my grandpa's spirit,
Still strong and alive.
_______________
Distant Love
From the beginning I knew it was wrong,
To start a relation I knew couldn't last long.
But something about you convinced me to stay
And dream about the chance of holding you one day.
How foolish I was to put myself again,
In the same situation that only left me with pain.
But how could I resist, you opened up your heart,
Came into my life and introduced me to a new start.
You brightened my horizon, made my days worth living.
Put a smile on my face every chance you were given.
But dare I say the words I force myself to hide?
My true feelings for you are locked up inside.
This is my protection from the pain that is near.
I don't know if I'm ready, I still feel so much fear.
Can something arise from this, or am I just dreaming?
I don't understand, what is its meaning?
What if we hadn't been separated so far apart?
Would we've had the chance to belong to one anothers heart?
I wish that it were more simple so that I could comprehend,
If my feelings and actions are only coming to an end.
There's only one thing left for me to say to you:
I'll love you for always and there's nothing I can do.
If I could keep your heart belonging just to me,
I'd hold on to it tightly and never set it free.
But because I care too much to ever see you suffer,
I'm letting it go so that you can love another.
This is for the best, I'm sure you'll see this too.
But remember one thing, I will never stop loving you.
_______________
The Hole
My reflection begins to look so familiar,
As my mind becomes a blur.
So many comforting thoughts and feelings resurface,
As I let go from my weak embrace.
I knew it was not too far ahead,
And I knew I had been mislead.
By creating a false hope of a full recovery,
When I knew for certain I'd only feel misery.
Alone now, I sit and think.
Wonder how much further I can sink,
Into this neverending shadow that is created before me.
I wonder if light is something I will ever see.
But now I'm certain the lights are burnt out,
Just as they are in me, without a doubt.
My spirit left me awhile back,
When all the damage done was just a small crack.
Right down the middle, between either eye,
Which manipulated my vision, revealing so many lies.
I fall deeper into the dusk, losing all sight,
And realizing that life is no longer right.
This strong sensation of emptiness fills me again,
But the feeling is much stronger and so is the pain.
I'm holding on, tightening my grip,
But I feel as though I'm about to slip.
No one can save me now, not this time,
For this life to take is strictly mine.
So there's no use in holding me back,
For it will only prolong this self-inflicted attack.
_______________
Kiss Me
As I look deep into your eyes,
I wonder if they've held many lies.
But with me you've always been so true,
Which is why I've fallen so hard for you.
I often long for you to hold me,
To protect me and set all my thoughts free.
To save me from my deepest fears
And wipe away all my hurtful tears.
So kiss me and make everything feel just right
And embrace me, holding onto me so tight.
Cause when I'm with you, nothing seems to matter,
So don't let me go until my thoughts all scatter.
Then my mind becomes flooded with new thoughts
And these fill me with happiness and I find myself caught,
In thoughts of you and how you make me feel.
Thoughts of love and security I used to wish were real.
So kiss me and tell me how you feel,
Just let go and let your thoughts be revealed.
So I know whether or not I make you happy
As happy as I know you make me.
_______________
Hurt
When I heard you say goodbye,
I could feel myself begin to cry.
Not only on the outside,
But also from within.
I could feel my heart crumble,
Growing weak and thin.
But luckily to my surprise,
Those were not our final goodbyes.
But something else had happened,
That made me feel worse.
The feeling that perhaps,
My heart had been cursed.
You told me you ended up asleep,
Before you even let the thought go deep.
But did you even consider,
That when you came to
I could have been long gone
And there'd be nothing you could do.
I didn't expect you to save me,
Or even again, make me feel happy.
But you could easily have shared,
Your feelings, so I knew you still cared.
But believe me, for this is true,
I didn't do this just to hurt you.
Or just to see what your reaction would be,
I just wanted to know that you loved me.
_______________
Repeated Past
The feelings are so familiar
The situation is so similar
I feel confused and left behind
Wondering why this dream was mine
The need, the desire, for you intensified
But I found the strength to burry it inside
Leaving me feeling so empty, so lonely
As it only sank deeper as if it owned me
Never did I reveal to you my weakness
For it still lies within me so restless
As the dream begins to slip away
It hurts too much for me to stay
Yet I still try to hold on
Remembering how we used to get along
And hoping that someday soon I'll see a sign
That will let me know you’re forever mine
But I get the feeling that I'm too late
That I've lost you in the battle against fate
It tares me apart to see you stay
Because you still seem so far away
_______________
Another Predictable Ending
I'm still unsure of what's between us
But I'm beginning to feel its based upon lust
This is probably the best thing for us to do
So I know I can still live my life, without you
I'll always remember what we once had
All of the good times, along with the bad
I know that I will forever miss you
But this is what we have to do
Although what truly makes me hurt
Is knowing you might get back with her
Maybe it’s because you still miss me
Or maybe it’s because that’s how it should be
I've been confused about us ever since then
Knowing that your feelings might be of friends
But feel that maybe we could still have
Our past relationship that suddenly turned bad
Which was exactly how I always felt
But sooner or later I knew this dream would melt
So this is something that I feel must be said
The dream of you and me together, is dead
_______________
Damaged
I’ve come to the realization that love is overrated
That your feelings can never be reinstated
But I should have known that long before now
So I’ll find a way to start over again somehow
Only this time knowing what can never be
Living life completely alone, depending solely on me
Cause I’ve been scarred one too many times
And this will be the very last in this lifetime
But you will always be there, in the back of my mind
Taunting me about the life I could have enshrined
But luckily I distanced myself far enough from you
To do any major damage, that I knew I’d have to go through
Your lies were so subtle, but yet so evident
Why was I so blind, it was so blatant
Regardless I believed them all, even with my skepticism
Maybe I’ve just become familiar with being the victim
But I guess its cause I care so much about you
That I’d be willing to do anything to see this through
But I’m quickly growing weaker and it’s becoming fatal
So be careful you don’t break me; I’m so brittle
I know you never had any intentions of hurting me
But I’ve sunk into this everlasting feeling of melancholy
One that is so familiar that it’s almost comforting
So I’ll lay here in the depths of this welcoming feeling
_______________
Irresistible
I often think about you, how you are and what you feel
Whether or not these signs I’m receiving are even real.
We often play a game of sarcasm, but does it hold some truth?
Or is it just the way we are, one of our immature acts of youth?
But then I sit back and wonder if I really want to know,
Cause I’m not sure if I am ready to entirely let you go.
So I make up excuses for myself, to distance you from me
Cause I know if I gave in our friendship would no longer be.
But I often daydream about how much of my life you have touched,
And realize that I cannot lose you cause you mean way too much.
I try to refuse you, convincing myself you’re not the one for me
But then you act the way you do and my mind no longer agrees
And as I sit here with thoughts of losing myself in those eyes,
I realize that the deeper I look the faster our friendship dies.
But I’m not one to gamble, for I’m so familiar with failing
That I refuse to risk any of this in a game of all or nothing.
But someday I’m bound to grow so weak, losing all of my control
Just to plunge deeper into this confusion that’s now dug a darker hole.
In the center of my unstable mind, operated by governing thoughts,
I'm no longer unsure that there was ever a time I'd truly been so caught.
_______________
My Last Bit Of Sanity
I repeatedly think about you from time to time
Seems impossible to ever erase you from my mind
I guess I never realized how much I felt for you
Since letting you go was one of the hardest things to do
I only did it cause I felt I had such a weak grip
And if I bared it much longer, I fear I would have slipped
From the last bit of sanity I desperately held onto
Seeing as most of it slipped away whenever I looked at you
I wanted this to work for us more than you’ll know
And everything inside me would have died if I never let go
But it is all over now and has been for quite some time
I bet there’s not even a sketch of me portrayed in your mind
As I’m left here to survive in this insufferable trance
I know for certain you’ll always be my chemical romance
_______________
DEADend
Emotionally it lingers
Physically it attacks
The intensity is too overwhelming
I just cannot relax
It pushes to the extreme
Just to see if I can deal
It plays with my emotions
Just to see if I still feel
But with this abuse
Comes confusion
With confusion
Comes frustration
It loses me
As I lose control
My emotions take over
I no longer play a role
I just let go
Cause the feelings
no longer responsive
It just acts for me
Cause this is how
I've learned to live
I've decided to give up
It seems pointless to try
Cause I'm going nowhere
I feel I'd rather just die
_______________
LYRICS
Familiar Territory
I'm so confused,
I thought it had all passed
But I'm feeling the same
And it's hitting so fast.
I can't escape these feelings
Which never seem to end,
Trying to overpower me
My mind can no longer defend.
I feel my mind and my body
Growing more defenseless,
That the reality of my life
Has become so senseless.
(Chorus 1)
Contradicting..
Everything I say,
Everything I feel..
Seems so empty,
Seems so unreal.
I no longer feel
Life as something fair.
So close to forgetting
All these feelings of despair.
I lack total control
Of what's come over me,
It affects everyone.
I can no longer breath.
(Chorus 2)
Hurting..
Everyone I care for,
Everyone I live for..
Seems so cruel,
Seems so sore.
I want to close my eyes
And keep them shut forever.
I don't want to understand
Why my thoughts always sever.
My mind slowly disappears,
It's drawing a blank.
As my body becomes numb
I know it's finally sank,
Into the coldness
That was once so familiar.
I am home now.
_______________
Wishing For The Worst
Ignoring the way I feel
I disguise it, feeling so unreal.
But I'm seen through my weak eyes
And through my careless lies.
Certain that you can see
Right past this act, right through me.
Feeling so vulnerable, so bare.
I wish that I still didn't care.
(Chorus)
The emotionless past that I once knew,
Teases me, knowing it's something I can no longer do.
Withdrawing my emotions so relentlessly,
Caring only for me.
Why can't that still be.. how I am now?
I've become lost in this lonely world,
Finding myself in a dark corner, tightly curled.
Wondering if the emptiness will ever fade,
To finally end this pointless sherade.
(Chorus)
_______________
Lost
(Elaine Mahon & Adam Rose)
Am I the only one who feels life is but a joke?
Loves to see you suffer and in the end choke.
Seems as though it feeds on misery and pain,
And craves to do it over and over again.
Is the world as evil and careless as it appears?
Or is it all just more than I can bear?
Don't know how to deal with all this shit I've been feeling,
Don't fucking understand what my mind has been revealing.
Need to put an end to all of these deceptions..
(Chorus)
If only I could see the world through someone else's eyes,
Someone else's eyes, someone else's eyes..
Perhaps I could deceive myself with someone else's lies.
Would it be any different than the life I live today?
Could I just go on living someone else's way?
I hate all this confusion and solitude I feel,
Is there someone out there, someone who can help me deal?
Someone who sees this fucked up world exactly as I see,
Someone who isn't blinded by it's fucked up fantasy.
Need to put an end to all of these deceptions..
(Chorus)
Need to put an end to all of these deceptions..
_______________
RANTS
Mind Trap
I sit and cry,
Surrounded by darkness.
My mind swallows me up.
I feel insignificant,
Lost,
Weak,
Immobile.
I have no control.
Losing myself slowly,
For good.
I can't adapt.
My frustration carries me away.
Away,
Into a dark,
Small,
Cold chamber.
Deep within my overpowering mind.
I curl myself into a ball,
Protecting myself,
Knowing that it will never be the same.
Gone forever,
Gone for good.
My thoughts collide.
But my mind takes no notice,
For it rules me.
Lost,
Struggling,
Confused.
Will I ever gain control?
Or just waste away?
Fade,
Fading,
Fading into darkness.
Can't find myself amongst the darkness.
Solitude,
Confusion,
Frustration.
Spills from within.
Revealing,
Exposing.
I feel the need for closure.
The feeling of security surrounds me,
As I escape from the world.
But yet there is no escaping.
The mind traps you.
You are now its prisoner,
Its victim.
Survival is rare.
_______________
Untitled
You were dead before you were born,
You will be dead after you die.
What is the difference?
We know no better.
To love, to hate, to live, to die,
It's different yet it's the same
I am me, you are you,
I do what I please.
So who are you to comment?
You point your finger,
Look in the mirror,
Alienation, isolation, segregation.
_______________
Downward Spiral
I feel because I hurt,
I hurt because I love.
My sorrow strikes me,
Hitting me all at once.
So hard,
So constant.
I think about the pain and try to ignore it.
Pretending it's not really there,
Since others are unable to see it.
But it only worsens.
It only grows,
It only intensifies,
I am ambushed.
Attacked, invaded, conquered and defeated.
I am left to struggle in my internal Hell.
The images and the memories eat away at me,
Making sure there's not a morsel of sanity left within me.
No hope,
No reassurance.
Making sure I force myself into solitude.
I grow lifeless, as I am consumed slowly.
So I can feel the prolonged, intense sensation of failure
That casts over my mind, so I can no longer see clearly.
I am fading into the blur..
I disappear.
_______________
Alone
I've drifted away,
Lost and led astray.
I'm living so alone,
Hurt and on my own.
Longing for something stable
But independence is my label.
If I give into my weak desires,
I will burn in my internal fires.
For I have been deceived.
No longer am I perceived.
As my strength is being tugged
From one side to the other,
Unsure if I’m a fighter or a lover.
Lost in my unrealistic dreams,
Or perhaps realistic..
Sometimes it would seem.
Confused about so much,
Certain about so little.
Lost touch with my thoughts,
My emotions..
I stare..
Hoping to draw a blank.
_______________
"Punk"
You see, to me punk is not about rebellion or about defying authority. It's about making a positive change in the world, standing up for what you believe, refusing to conform and not caring about what other people think. Our generation is so much more "free" than those before us; we are more open-minded and less prejudice (or so we think). Many adults still perceive "punks" in a negative way. Maybe it's based on previous experience. Maybe it's their way of keeping things simple. Or maybe they just don't want to go against their upbringing. Who knows? All I really know is that something must be done about this: I'm sick of people being stereotyped in such nasty ways.
It seems that more and more people are adopting the "punk look" because it's the new "in" thing, I just don't get it. Just because someone looks the part, it doesn't automatically make him or her a punk. And just because they don't dress like one, it doesn't mean they aren't one either. The look -- and the attitude people tend to associate with it -- has adopted such negative social connotations that the entire concept of punk has been misconstrued to become a "bad" thing.
I know I'm no authority on what punk is and isn't, but I can say this: Blue hair is not bad. Spiked hair is not bad. Tattoos are not bad. Piercings are not bad. The meaning behind all of these is self-expression: It's a form of art. If anyone has any ulterior motives for having these done, then here's my message to the world: Please don't assume that because a few "bad apples" (as many are so eager to call them) might look a certain way, that everyone else who might be dressed similarly is exactly the same person on the inside too. Why must people be so quick to judge?
People have a tendency to associate punk music with the "punk attitude" and the "punk look"-- which, it is worth mentioning, is a complete misconception in itself -- and if they don't like one, then they don't like any of them. People (especially adults and older generations) automatically associate piercings, torn clothing, coloured hair, tattoos, etc. with punk culture -- which is really sad, because it's so wrong. The essence of punk is to NOT conform. Yet, by identifying a "punk look" they are forcing them to conform to this dress code. They are creating a category for punks to fit into, when the very thing they're trying to accomplish is the establishment of there being no such category! And what's worse, other people see this look and decide that they want to join in the fun too. So they dress the way society has decided will be what punks are "supposed" to look like -- making them "official" punks (also known as posers), by society's standards. This creates even more of a challenge for the "true" punks. They must continue struggling to be punks in their own right, which means struggling to break free from this new and incredibly false image that society has created for them.
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POEMS
Blind
I look out the window and what do I see?
A world filled with blindness and stupidity.
Is there someone else who feels the same as I?
Or do I stand alone with these empty tears that I cry?
If only I understood why people have said,
"Life is worth living," I might not be dead.
Physically I am here, but much I do not feel.
My mind is lost, so little I can reveal:
About who I am and why I exist.
Am I of any importance, or will I hardly be missed?
I feel there is something that is keeping me here,
But finding out what only fills me with fear.
Life has no freedom it pulls you away,
From the people you love most who are never here to stay.
For life has its good fortune but only to those who see,
A world that is blinded and hidden by fantasy.
I don't know how much more pain I can endear,
Before I break and shatter, and cry my last tear.
But for now I will try and keep myself strong,
And hope that the day I understand soon comes along.
Looking straight ahead, holding my head up high,
Hoping that one day I will understand why.
I had so many questions always running through my mind,
Perhaps this is my purpose, the answers I need to find.
But with so little motivation and even less will,
I find myself slipping and growing more ill.
But without any strength to keep up with my mind,
I should have created a fantasy so that I could be blind.
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Separation
Why must it be so hard
To be able to believe
In energies and souls and other spirits,
Which some say we conceive?
Why must some of us
Take so much more convincing?
Is there something out there
That we all must be missing?
Why can't we all just share
The same experiences,
Without all of our own separate beliefs
Being of any interference?
If only I could understand why
I was being left in the dark.
When what we had was stronger
Then just a few little sparks.
Like a powerful connection
That was so unbelievably strong,
But reaching the end we both sensed
An awkward feeling that felt so wrong.
I just wish that one day
I am able to survive
The re-encounter of my grandpa's spirit,
Still strong and alive.
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Distant Love
From the beginning I knew it was wrong,
To start a relation I knew couldn't last long.
But something about you convinced me to stay
And dream about the chance of holding you one day.
How foolish I was to put myself again,
In the same situation that only left me with pain.
But how could I resist, you opened up your heart,
Came into my life and introduced me to a new start.
You brightened my horizon, made my days worth living.
Put a smile on my face every chance you were given.
But dare I say the words I force myself to hide?
My true feelings for you are locked up inside.
This is my protection from the pain that is near.
I don't know if I'm ready, I still feel so much fear.
Can something arise from this, or am I just dreaming?
I don't understand, what is its meaning?
What if we hadn't been separated so far apart?
Would we've had the chance to belong to one anothers heart?
I wish that it were more simple so that I could comprehend,
If my feelings and actions are only coming to an end.
There's only one thing left for me to say to you:
I'll love you for always and there's nothing I can do.
If I could keep your heart belonging just to me,
I'd hold on to it tightly and never set it free.
But because I care too much to ever see you suffer,
I'm letting it go so that you can love another.
This is for the best, I'm sure you'll see this too.
But remember one thing, I will never stop loving you.
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The Hole
My reflection begins to look so familiar,
As my mind becomes a blur.
So many comforting thoughts and feelings resurface,
As I let go from my weak embrace.
I knew it was not too far ahead,
And I knew I had been mislead.
By creating a false hope of a full recovery,
When I knew for certain I'd only feel misery.
Alone now, I sit and think.
Wonder how much further I can sink,
Into this neverending shadow that is created before me.
I wonder if light is something I will ever see.
But now I'm certain the lights are burnt out,
Just as they are in me, without a doubt.
My spirit left me awhile back,
When all the damage done was just a small crack.
Right down the middle, between either eye,
Which manipulated my vision, revealing so many lies.
I fall deeper into the dusk, losing all sight,
And realizing that life is no longer right.
This strong sensation of emptiness fills me again,
But the feeling is much stronger and so is the pain.
I'm holding on, tightening my grip,
But I feel as though I'm about to slip.
No one can save me now, not this time,
For this life to take is strictly mine.
So there's no use in holding me back,
For it will only prolong this self-inflicted attack.
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Kiss Me
As I look deep into your eyes,
I wonder if they've held many lies.
But with me you've always been so true,
Which is why I've fallen so hard for you.
I often long for you to hold me,
To protect me and set all my thoughts free.
To save me from my deepest fears
And wipe away all my hurtful tears.
So kiss me and make everything feel just right
And embrace me, holding onto me so tight.
Cause when I'm with you, nothing seems to matter,
So don't let me go until my thoughts all scatter.
Then my mind becomes flooded with new thoughts
And these fill me with happiness and I find myself caught,
In thoughts of you and how you make me feel.
Thoughts of love and security I used to wish were real.
So kiss me and tell me how you feel,
Just let go and let your thoughts be revealed.
So I know whether or not I make you happy
As happy as I know you make me.
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Hurt
When I heard you say goodbye,
I could feel myself begin to cry.
Not only on the outside,
But also from within.
I could feel my heart crumble,
Growing weak and thin.
But luckily to my surprise,
Those were not our final goodbyes.
But something else had happened,
That made me feel worse.
The feeling that perhaps,
My heart had been cursed.
You told me you ended up asleep,
Before you even let the thought go deep.
But did you even consider,
That when you came to
I could have been long gone
And there'd be nothing you could do.
I didn't expect you to save me,
Or even again, make me feel happy.
But you could easily have shared,
Your feelings, so I knew you still cared.
But believe me, for this is true,
I didn't do this just to hurt you.
Or just to see what your reaction would be,
I just wanted to know that you loved me.
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Repeated Past
The feelings are so familiar
The situation is so similar
I feel confused and left behind
Wondering why this dream was mine
The need, the desire, for you intensified
But I found the strength to burry it inside
Leaving me feeling so empty, so lonely
As it only sank deeper as if it owned me
Never did I reveal to you my weakness
For it still lies within me so restless
As the dream begins to slip away
It hurts too much for me to stay
Yet I still try to hold on
Remembering how we used to get along
And hoping that someday soon I'll see a sign
That will let me know you’re forever mine
But I get the feeling that I'm too late
That I've lost you in the battle against fate
It tares me apart to see you stay
Because you still seem so far away
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Another Predictable Ending
I'm still unsure of what's between us
But I'm beginning to feel its based upon lust
This is probably the best thing for us to do
So I know I can still live my life, without you
I'll always remember what we once had
All of the good times, along with the bad
I know that I will forever miss you
But this is what we have to do
Although what truly makes me hurt
Is knowing you might get back with her
Maybe it’s because you still miss me
Or maybe it’s because that’s how it should be
I've been confused about us ever since then
Knowing that your feelings might be of friends
But feel that maybe we could still have
Our past relationship that suddenly turned bad
Which was exactly how I always felt
But sooner or later I knew this dream would melt
So this is something that I feel must be said
The dream of you and me together, is dead
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Damaged
I’ve come to the realization that love is overrated
That your feelings can never be reinstated
But I should have known that long before now
So I’ll find a way to start over again somehow
Only this time knowing what can never be
Living life completely alone, depending solely on me
Cause I’ve been scarred one too many times
And this will be the very last in this lifetime
But you will always be there, in the back of my mind
Taunting me about the life I could have enshrined
But luckily I distanced myself far enough from you
To do any major damage, that I knew I’d have to go through
Your lies were so subtle, but yet so evident
Why was I so blind, it was so blatant
Regardless I believed them all, even with my skepticism
Maybe I’ve just become familiar with being the victim
But I guess its cause I care so much about you
That I’d be willing to do anything to see this through
But I’m quickly growing weaker and it’s becoming fatal
So be careful you don’t break me; I’m so brittle
I know you never had any intentions of hurting me
But I’ve sunk into this everlasting feeling of melancholy
One that is so familiar that it’s almost comforting
So I’ll lay here in the depths of this welcoming feeling
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Irresistible
I often think about you, how you are and what you feel
Whether or not these signs I’m receiving are even real.
We often play a game of sarcasm, but does it hold some truth?
Or is it just the way we are, one of our immature acts of youth?
But then I sit back and wonder if I really want to know,
Cause I’m not sure if I am ready to entirely let you go.
So I make up excuses for myself, to distance you from me
Cause I know if I gave in our friendship would no longer be.
But I often daydream about how much of my life you have touched,
And realize that I cannot lose you cause you mean way too much.
I try to refuse you, convincing myself you’re not the one for me
But then you act the way you do and my mind no longer agrees
And as I sit here with thoughts of losing myself in those eyes,
I realize that the deeper I look the faster our friendship dies.
But I’m not one to gamble, for I’m so familiar with failing
That I refuse to risk any of this in a game of all or nothing.
But someday I’m bound to grow so weak, losing all of my control
Just to plunge deeper into this confusion that’s now dug a darker hole.
In the center of my unstable mind, operated by governing thoughts,
I'm no longer unsure that there was ever a time I'd truly been so caught.
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My Last Bit Of Sanity
I repeatedly think about you from time to time
Seems impossible to ever erase you from my mind
I guess I never realized how much I felt for you
Since letting you go was one of the hardest things to do
I only did it cause I felt I had such a weak grip
And if I bared it much longer, I fear I would have slipped
From the last bit of sanity I desperately held onto
Seeing as most of it slipped away whenever I looked at you
I wanted this to work for us more than you’ll know
And everything inside me would have died if I never let go
But it is all over now and has been for quite some time
I bet there’s not even a sketch of me portrayed in your mind
As I’m left here to survive in this insufferable trance
I know for certain you’ll always be my chemical romance
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DEADend
Emotionally it lingers
Physically it attacks
The intensity is too overwhelming
I just cannot relax
It pushes to the extreme
Just to see if I can deal
It plays with my emotions
Just to see if I still feel
But with this abuse
Comes confusion
With confusion
Comes frustration
It loses me
As I lose control
My emotions take over
I no longer play a role
I just let go
Cause the feelings
no longer responsive
It just acts for me
Cause this is how
I've learned to live
I've decided to give up
It seems pointless to try
Cause I'm going nowhere
I feel I'd rather just die
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