sometimes..........
sometimes i wish i wasn't such a weenie and i could just kill myself now. that i wasn't so afraid of sharp things, that i could just plung them into my veins and not care. that maybe, if i wasn't so stubborn, i could take the easy way out and just not have to deal with it anymore.
i spent an hour and a half having a mental breakdown today, because i fucking failed my calc final, and i have a D in the class. thankfully, hoffman is letting me take it over again sometime next week, but that means i have to study really fucking hard and somehow cram an entire semester into less than a week. mom still won't let me drop. he told her to call the schools and see what it would do to my acceptance. then he went on about how his daughter was the worst in all his classes when he taught her and she barely got by, and i'm thinking why the fuck do i care?? that has nothing to do with me. i'm not going to not drop just because you're the teacher, i'm not going to be at your house after school for private tutoring sessions, i don't have 3 fucking hours a night to devote to calculus, why the fuck should i care?? i'm taking it over in college anyways, why can't i just drop out?
on the plus side, with my new haircut, i look much better while crying and having a nervous breakdown. on the other side, all the time, i had 'planning a prison break' stuck in my head, and NOT JUST ANY LINE. had to be 'this is the last night in my body' which made me think, why can't i just fucking kill myself, that would solve everything, and then i wouldn't have to deal with math or losing my job or music lessons, or stupid motherfucking art judges or anything. and i couldn't get it out of my head.
i spent an hour and a half having a mental breakdown today, because i fucking failed my calc final, and i have a D in the class. thankfully, hoffman is letting me take it over again sometime next week, but that means i have to study really fucking hard and somehow cram an entire semester into less than a week. mom still won't let me drop. he told her to call the schools and see what it would do to my acceptance. then he went on about how his daughter was the worst in all his classes when he taught her and she barely got by, and i'm thinking why the fuck do i care?? that has nothing to do with me. i'm not going to not drop just because you're the teacher, i'm not going to be at your house after school for private tutoring sessions, i don't have 3 fucking hours a night to devote to calculus, why the fuck should i care?? i'm taking it over in college anyways, why can't i just drop out?
on the plus side, with my new haircut, i look much better while crying and having a nervous breakdown. on the other side, all the time, i had 'planning a prison break' stuck in my head, and NOT JUST ANY LINE. had to be 'this is the last night in my body' which made me think, why can't i just fucking kill myself, that would solve everything, and then i wouldn't have to deal with math or losing my job or music lessons, or stupid motherfucking art judges or anything. and i couldn't get it out of my head.