Three easy steps to self-confidence
How do you practice being self-confident? How do you make all this theory happen? In three steps, just like the title says, of course!
Step 1: First, understand that you have a choice. You did not choose your past experiences, of course; you did not choose to have people make fun of you back in the fifth grade, or having a past partner who told you you weren't good enough, or whatever...but you did have a choice about believing these things and internalizing them, and right now you do have a choice about continuing to believe it, or changing the things you believe about yourself.
The single hardest thing to do if you want to change your self-image is to realize that it is a choice. Once you've made that step, the rest is easy.
Step 2: Once you understand that you have a choice over the way you feel, the next part is simple. Choose to act like someone who is self-confident, even though you are not. Remember, you control your actions; you control your body; you can choose to act self-confident and act secure even if you don't feel it. You will feel uncomfortable, of course; your feelings will try to get in the way of your actions. Acting self-confident will feel phony and forced at first. You will obsess, going over in your mind all the imaginary reasons why you shouldn't be acting this way, you need to be afraid or insecure instead. You still have a choice. You still control your actions. You can choose to act confident even though it feels uncomfortable.
Step 3: Practice. You become good at whatever you practice. A person who is insecure becomes very good about being insecure because he practices being insecure every day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. You practice being insecure by thinking about those old insults you heard in fifth grade, remembering them, believing them, telling yourself they are true. You practice being insecure by going over in your mind all the reasons you are not good enough to be with your partner, and imagining how easily he could abandon you if he just wakes up and realizes how worthless you are. You practice being insecure by making lists of everything that is wrong with you.
People who are secure practice being secure. It's no different, really. To practice being secure, stop thinking about all those old insults--when they come into your mind, tell yourself firmly "No, these are false, and I choose not to believe them any more. Why should I believe people who do not like me?" When you find yourself thinking about all the things that are wrong with you, stop, and say "No, these are wrong, and here is why. Here is a list of things that are good and sexy about me instead." (Corny as it sounds, keeping a written list of things you like about yourself in your pocket helps.) When you find yourself thinking of all the reasons your partner does not really want you, or all the reasons some other person is better than you, stop yourself and say "No, this is false."
If you practice the piano every day and then one day start playing the harp instead, it will feel uncomfortable and awkward and unnatural, and you will not feel at first like you are making any progress. Do it anyway. You get good at something by practice. You want to be a confident, secure person? Practice being confident and secure, in your words and in your actions.
When you do this, even though it feels uncomfortable and even though you do not want to, you will find that your insecurity goes away remarkably quickly. It doesn't actually take very long to become more secure.
If you want to become secure without ever thinking or doing things that are uncomfortable for you, though, forget it; it will never happen. In order to change your image of yourself, you have to understand that changing the way you act and the way you think is always uncomfortable at first.
Step 1: First, understand that you have a choice. You did not choose your past experiences, of course; you did not choose to have people make fun of you back in the fifth grade, or having a past partner who told you you weren't good enough, or whatever...but you did have a choice about believing these things and internalizing them, and right now you do have a choice about continuing to believe it, or changing the things you believe about yourself.
The single hardest thing to do if you want to change your self-image is to realize that it is a choice. Once you've made that step, the rest is easy.
Step 2: Once you understand that you have a choice over the way you feel, the next part is simple. Choose to act like someone who is self-confident, even though you are not. Remember, you control your actions; you control your body; you can choose to act self-confident and act secure even if you don't feel it. You will feel uncomfortable, of course; your feelings will try to get in the way of your actions. Acting self-confident will feel phony and forced at first. You will obsess, going over in your mind all the imaginary reasons why you shouldn't be acting this way, you need to be afraid or insecure instead. You still have a choice. You still control your actions. You can choose to act confident even though it feels uncomfortable.
Step 3: Practice. You become good at whatever you practice. A person who is insecure becomes very good about being insecure because he practices being insecure every day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. You practice being insecure by thinking about those old insults you heard in fifth grade, remembering them, believing them, telling yourself they are true. You practice being insecure by going over in your mind all the reasons you are not good enough to be with your partner, and imagining how easily he could abandon you if he just wakes up and realizes how worthless you are. You practice being insecure by making lists of everything that is wrong with you.
People who are secure practice being secure. It's no different, really. To practice being secure, stop thinking about all those old insults--when they come into your mind, tell yourself firmly "No, these are false, and I choose not to believe them any more. Why should I believe people who do not like me?" When you find yourself thinking about all the things that are wrong with you, stop, and say "No, these are wrong, and here is why. Here is a list of things that are good and sexy about me instead." (Corny as it sounds, keeping a written list of things you like about yourself in your pocket helps.) When you find yourself thinking of all the reasons your partner does not really want you, or all the reasons some other person is better than you, stop yourself and say "No, this is false."
If you practice the piano every day and then one day start playing the harp instead, it will feel uncomfortable and awkward and unnatural, and you will not feel at first like you are making any progress. Do it anyway. You get good at something by practice. You want to be a confident, secure person? Practice being confident and secure, in your words and in your actions.
When you do this, even though it feels uncomfortable and even though you do not want to, you will find that your insecurity goes away remarkably quickly. It doesn't actually take very long to become more secure.
If you want to become secure without ever thinking or doing things that are uncomfortable for you, though, forget it; it will never happen. In order to change your image of yourself, you have to understand that changing the way you act and the way you think is always uncomfortable at first.