weird
today was weird. its like inside i don't feel myself but on the outside everything keeps going on around me normally and i go along with it all, but really i'm not there. its almost a strange out of body experience. i know today happened, but i don't remember consciously going through it. just going through the motions. that's no way to go through life. i just feel so strange, so blase. i can't even describe it. i decided to sit write in my journal to hopefully feel better and it didn't help much. it wasn't the release i hoped it would be. it's all so different right now. this moment is so strange and i don't know that it exists.
some of what i wrote today...
i said it all
but nothing was said
the words were empty
meant nothing
it was all nothing
it all stays locked inside
i want to bleed it out
what other solace exists?
nothing seems to help
thoughts of you and everything persist
i drown in the noise
let my sorrow consume me
yeah. intense. so much i don't know what to do right now. i'm not sad, i don't think. just numb. i hate feeling this numbness inside of me like life is a walk through a dark room with no emotions or people to add color to the silence of your mind.
do other people ever feel this. sometimes i definitely think i'm crazy. i probably am.
few things bring joy to my life, and the things that do i don't feel are real. or are real but aren't really attached to the real me. a fake me they all think they love, but thats just the person i push forward to keep my true self hidden away.
you'd think after years of going through this shit i'd be over it.
i'm not.
i want to be.
the end.