Wherever you are in the world, I’ll search for you.
It's been a while since I've written an entry. I should write them more often; I always want to write journal entries more often. It's bad habit that I only write them when I feel dreadful. My memory is so bad, and I'd like to remember the good things too. And the mundane things, I suppose, which is what comprises most of my life.
Yesterday I withdrew from school for this semester.
I talked to so many people. Access and Diversity and Arts Advising and the English program and International House and one of my professors and the therapist who called me back.
I cried, but not in front of people, only when I was talking to my mom about it. I don't know what it is about vocalizing my issues and decisions that makes me cry, but it's always been there. I would be fine at school talking to friends and the office about needing to go home for the pain, and then when I called my mom to pick me up I would start crying.
Talking to all of the different administrative people... the fact that it was okay, that I just went and treked accross all of campus and did it all... I think that says a lot about how much I've improved. In many ways I still think I'm in a much better place mentally than I was even a year ago. Talking to adults is easier, and I wrote my essay, and I've been taking good notes and paying better attention in classes. It feels like I could do it, could do school and do well, and it kind of feels like I'm backing out just because I have the excuse and I'm lazy as everyone keeps saying.
Still, I feel relieved to be taking the time off. I'll be spending a lot of time at home, which I'm not sure if I'm keen for. If my mom will pressure me to be productive, and call me lazy. I would like to have the time to really take things slow, to put off responsibility for a few months. I hope I can spend more time with sara, because I think that'll feel safer. My mom would be concerned that I'll be stuck inside all day doing nothing, but honestly that sounds so appealing to me. Maybe it's more of my laziness coming through. But living in a small town that's not my town, just a pocket of somewhere else where no one really knows me and no one has any expectations for me....
I think it would make it easier. Everything. Living and breathing and grieving and writing and drawing.
And sara would be there. And I'm sure there'll be hard bits. But mostly it'll be just us, so maybe that'll make it easier. And at the end of the day, we can sleep in the same bed and hold each other and be warm and easy and soft.
Sometimes I miss her so desperately. Sometimes it scares me. I've been missing her more--I think somehow I always miss her more in the days leading up to when we'll see each other again. I hope it will be a good weekend. I could do with something less complex, less responsibility. Just being together and taking walks together and watching movies together. (i can't decide what i want to watch. there's nge, of course, and yuri on ice and hibike. then there's ghibli--howl? or spirited away or kiki or mononoke? and there's others i want to watch. i've been wanting australia again, idk why. but that's such a long movie, it'll probably take a week.)
My mom and stepdad are coming up tomorrow. She said we needed to talk more, which is slightly ominous. I hope to convince her to allow me to stay with sara for longer. I hope she doesn't bring up taking more classes again.
Today I did nothing. I stayed in bed and read from about 10am to 3pm. I always think I'll have time in the day and then the day slips by. I haven't drawn for inktober in the past two days, even though I kind of have ideas. It's just... hard to think of poses that are interesting and dynamic. And why does everything have to be interesting and dynamic anyways? But that's what I require of myself, and so I do nothing. And the hard thing is, I've wanted to draw digitally. I want to draw more for Mob, and I want the color and light that I can do with photoshop. But I can't justify drawing digitally when I haven't inked yet. So I'm drawing even less than I would be otherwise.
(it's 11:11. Recently, sometimes, rarely, I've been making wishes for myself. I made one just now, and then I realized what else I could have wished for, what other people need more, and felt bad.)
I tried to bake cookies today and they turned into one thin sheet of cookie+wax paper (the wax paper won't come off). I really wanted hot chocolate chip cookies and milk!
The past few weeks I've been leaving my window open at night and just listening to ocean sounds to sleep. But there's a dog down the street that weeps in the morning and it's sometimes too much to listen to. We don't know what to do about it really. It hasn't been crying as often, which I'm going to interpret as a good sign.
It's too cold to leave the window open now, even with my duvet and quilt and furry blanket. My nose freezes. So I've begun closing it at night, and gone back to music, mostly ghibl playlists.
After the cookie disaster I finally watched Kimi no Na wa. It was beautiful and cute and strange. I enjoyed it immensely at some points, and less at others. I found myself a bit disappointed in the ending. (this weekend, i also watched doukyuusei with sara. i liked it quite a lot. i'll have to read the manga.) Watching your name made me want to rewatch children who chase lost voices. Maybe I'll rewatch it tomorrow.
I also went back to rewatching natsume, as apparently the new season is coming out. I really do love natsume so much. It is the kind of mood that I love and would like to aim for in a lot of things. Soft, slightly melancholy, but ultimately full of love and the sweetness of connections between people (and yokai). Natsume started off so lonely and it's so good watching him gain family and friends and slowly begin to trust and love.
I'm looking forward to nanowrimo, but I really need to just work on it. I've been busy planning out the plot and less the character because it feels like I need to create the skeleton of plot and grow the character stuff around and on top of that. But I want to keep the plot simple so that it doesn't take up too much room as the fic should be character based. But I can't help but to build plot, it's what I always do. Add intricacies and mysteries and puzzels and then it becomes too much. It'll be a challenge to strike the balance. And I need to figure out how I want it to end. It's tricky with this kind of thing. Are they better just for having spent time together? Do they return to london and begin therapy? How does their new relationship dynamic fit in back home? Do I even get that far to explore that? Beginnings are so easy. Endings are impossible.
I'm tired, as I always am these days. Tired and a little bit sad and a little bit distant. But when I don't have to sleep I don't want to sleep. I'll watch some more natsume and find something more to read.
Yesterday I withdrew from school for this semester.
I talked to so many people. Access and Diversity and Arts Advising and the English program and International House and one of my professors and the therapist who called me back.
I cried, but not in front of people, only when I was talking to my mom about it. I don't know what it is about vocalizing my issues and decisions that makes me cry, but it's always been there. I would be fine at school talking to friends and the office about needing to go home for the pain, and then when I called my mom to pick me up I would start crying.
Talking to all of the different administrative people... the fact that it was okay, that I just went and treked accross all of campus and did it all... I think that says a lot about how much I've improved. In many ways I still think I'm in a much better place mentally than I was even a year ago. Talking to adults is easier, and I wrote my essay, and I've been taking good notes and paying better attention in classes. It feels like I could do it, could do school and do well, and it kind of feels like I'm backing out just because I have the excuse and I'm lazy as everyone keeps saying.
Still, I feel relieved to be taking the time off. I'll be spending a lot of time at home, which I'm not sure if I'm keen for. If my mom will pressure me to be productive, and call me lazy. I would like to have the time to really take things slow, to put off responsibility for a few months. I hope I can spend more time with sara, because I think that'll feel safer. My mom would be concerned that I'll be stuck inside all day doing nothing, but honestly that sounds so appealing to me. Maybe it's more of my laziness coming through. But living in a small town that's not my town, just a pocket of somewhere else where no one really knows me and no one has any expectations for me....
I think it would make it easier. Everything. Living and breathing and grieving and writing and drawing.
And sara would be there. And I'm sure there'll be hard bits. But mostly it'll be just us, so maybe that'll make it easier. And at the end of the day, we can sleep in the same bed and hold each other and be warm and easy and soft.
Sometimes I miss her so desperately. Sometimes it scares me. I've been missing her more--I think somehow I always miss her more in the days leading up to when we'll see each other again. I hope it will be a good weekend. I could do with something less complex, less responsibility. Just being together and taking walks together and watching movies together. (i can't decide what i want to watch. there's nge, of course, and yuri on ice and hibike. then there's ghibli--howl? or spirited away or kiki or mononoke? and there's others i want to watch. i've been wanting australia again, idk why. but that's such a long movie, it'll probably take a week.)
My mom and stepdad are coming up tomorrow. She said we needed to talk more, which is slightly ominous. I hope to convince her to allow me to stay with sara for longer. I hope she doesn't bring up taking more classes again.
Today I did nothing. I stayed in bed and read from about 10am to 3pm. I always think I'll have time in the day and then the day slips by. I haven't drawn for inktober in the past two days, even though I kind of have ideas. It's just... hard to think of poses that are interesting and dynamic. And why does everything have to be interesting and dynamic anyways? But that's what I require of myself, and so I do nothing. And the hard thing is, I've wanted to draw digitally. I want to draw more for Mob, and I want the color and light that I can do with photoshop. But I can't justify drawing digitally when I haven't inked yet. So I'm drawing even less than I would be otherwise.
(it's 11:11. Recently, sometimes, rarely, I've been making wishes for myself. I made one just now, and then I realized what else I could have wished for, what other people need more, and felt bad.)
I tried to bake cookies today and they turned into one thin sheet of cookie+wax paper (the wax paper won't come off). I really wanted hot chocolate chip cookies and milk!
The past few weeks I've been leaving my window open at night and just listening to ocean sounds to sleep. But there's a dog down the street that weeps in the morning and it's sometimes too much to listen to. We don't know what to do about it really. It hasn't been crying as often, which I'm going to interpret as a good sign.
It's too cold to leave the window open now, even with my duvet and quilt and furry blanket. My nose freezes. So I've begun closing it at night, and gone back to music, mostly ghibl playlists.
After the cookie disaster I finally watched Kimi no Na wa. It was beautiful and cute and strange. I enjoyed it immensely at some points, and less at others. I found myself a bit disappointed in the ending. (this weekend, i also watched doukyuusei with sara. i liked it quite a lot. i'll have to read the manga.) Watching your name made me want to rewatch children who chase lost voices. Maybe I'll rewatch it tomorrow.
I also went back to rewatching natsume, as apparently the new season is coming out. I really do love natsume so much. It is the kind of mood that I love and would like to aim for in a lot of things. Soft, slightly melancholy, but ultimately full of love and the sweetness of connections between people (and yokai). Natsume started off so lonely and it's so good watching him gain family and friends and slowly begin to trust and love.
I'm looking forward to nanowrimo, but I really need to just work on it. I've been busy planning out the plot and less the character because it feels like I need to create the skeleton of plot and grow the character stuff around and on top of that. But I want to keep the plot simple so that it doesn't take up too much room as the fic should be character based. But I can't help but to build plot, it's what I always do. Add intricacies and mysteries and puzzels and then it becomes too much. It'll be a challenge to strike the balance. And I need to figure out how I want it to end. It's tricky with this kind of thing. Are they better just for having spent time together? Do they return to london and begin therapy? How does their new relationship dynamic fit in back home? Do I even get that far to explore that? Beginnings are so easy. Endings are impossible.
I'm tired, as I always am these days. Tired and a little bit sad and a little bit distant. But when I don't have to sleep I don't want to sleep. I'll watch some more natsume and find something more to read.