Women of Troy parody!
Here it is! The culmination of my week of cabin fever!
DISCLAIMER: I do not own The Women of Troy. Euripedes would if he wasn't dead. I also do not own the various things I reference, including Troy the movie, South Park, "Shake Your Booty", the Simpsons, Revolutionary Girl Utena, Disney, The Incredibles, and anything else that I forget right now.
WARNING: Contains adult languauge, various sexual implications, and the attempt to make extremely sad, tragic events into a farce. So basically, don't read it if you don't have a sense of humor.
THE WOMEN OF TROY Condensed Version
POSEIDON: Dude, where's my city? Stupid Athena. Now you'll have to sit through a bunch of chicks whining because of her. *Poseidon is never seen again. Except on milk cartons.*
HECUBA: My life is horribly poopy.
WOMAN #1: But our lives suck too! Stupid royalty, they're always whining. So what if almost all of your family is dead?! All you care about is yourself!
HECUBA: Look, how about we agree that this is Ancient Greece so all of our lives suck by default, 'kay?
WOMAN #2: omgwtfwhatisthat?!
HECUBA: The Greek ships. No doubt they'll be taking us away as slaves soon. How fun.
WOMAN #3: What are they going to do?! Tell us darn you!
HECUBA: I don't know. I should know 'cause I'm da queen but them stupid Greeks don't respect my authori-TAY.
WOMAN #4: WHO TAKES US?!?!?!?!?!?
HECUBA: . . . not the fastest horse in the race, are we Ryma?
WOMAN #5: Can't they just kill us and get it over with?
HECUBA: No, they're going to make us suffer the most extreme agony we've ever felt in our lives and then we'll die.
WOMAN #5: That makes me feel so much better. Thanks.
WOMAN #6: Our lives will suck even more than they do now!
WOMAN #7: Our lives are completely ruined.
HECUBA: YOUR lives are ruined?! I used to be the queen of this place! My life is far more ruined than yours will ever be!
WOMEN*whispering*: At least she won't be our queen anymore.
HECUBA: I heard that.
WOMEN: *run away*
HECUBA: Oh well. At least things can't get any worse.
TALTHYBIUS: Yo, what up homies?
WOMEN: Hey, the first man we've seen in days! *attempt to gang-rape Talby*
TALTHYBIUS: Whoa ladies, one at a time. I'd be more than happy to work you all in, but I have to follow these orders first. Just thought you'd like to know that we're gonna take you to our ships of burnin' love soon.
WOMEN: YAY! . . . oh wait, we're not supposed to like the Greeks. Um . . . oh! Woe! Grief! Angst!
HECUBA: *rolls eyes* I am SO happy that my hormones are dead.
TALTHYBIUS: So yeah, you're slaves now. Troy is pwned.
WOMAN #7: I'm not into that!
WOMAN #5: I am!
WOMAN #4: Will there be whipped cream?
HECUBA: Sweet Zeus, that's the last time I leave the information-gathering to these horny chicks. How about you tell ME what's goin' down?
TALTHYBIUS: Everyone's gonna be our hos now, 'cept for you cuz you're a wrinkled old prune.
HECUBA: . . . I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. But what about Cassandra? Can't I at least keep her? She's not exactly a . . . people person.
TALTHYBIUS: Nah, Agamemnon wants her. He's into kinky kinda stuff.
HECUBA: . . . Yeah. And Polyxena? Where the Hades is she may I ask?
TALTHYBIUS: um, yeah, about that -
HECUBA: And you'd better have a good answer or I'll claw your eyes out.
TALTHYBIUS: Um . . . she's . . . at Camp Granada! Yeah, she sure is. Been there the whooole time.
HECUBA: Okay, I'll buy that. Any other important info?
TALTHYBIUS: Odysseus wants you to be his maid.
HECUBA: WTF!?!?!?! NO WAY JOSE!!!!! I HATE HIM!!!!! I WILL EAT HIS BRAINS!!!!!!!!
TALTHYBIUS: Gah! Don't shoot the messenger, okay? . . . or eat the messenger's brains. Look, I just want to leave already so can you just gimme Cassandra?
HECUBA: No! I luvs me crazy daughter!
TALTHYBIUS: C'mon work with me here. Aggy's even worse to messengers than you are.
CASSANDRA (comes in waving around lit torch): HI EVERYONE!!!!! LOOKIT THE FIRE!!!!!! ISN'T IT PRETTY?!?!?! HERE LOOK AT IT!!!!!!
WOMEN: HOLY HERA!!!!! *run away*
TALTHYBIUS: . . . THAT'S your daughter?
HECUBA: . . . um . . . yes.
TALTHYBIUS: *stares*
HECUBA: What?! Like you don't have one in your family!
CASSANDRA: HEY EVERYONE!!!! LET'S CELEBRATE MY MARRIAGE!!!! *sings* SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE!!! SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE!!! SHAKE YOUR BOOTY!!!!!!
HECUBA: Um . . . dear . . . would you mind putting down the flaming torch while you do that?
CASSANDRA: BUT I NEEEEEDDDD THE PRETTY FIRE MOMMAY! I HAVE TO BURN EVERYONE WHO DOESN'T DANCE!!!! THE LEPRECHAUN TOLD ME SO!!!!!
HECUBA: . . . well, the leprechaun just text-messaged me and he says to give the fire to me.
CASSANDRA: well . . . OKAY! *gives torch to Hecuba who gives it to Woman #3 who . . . I dunno . . . puts it in a plastic box or something? Yeah, let's go with that*
HECUBA: My poor daughter. I just want you to know that I still love you even if you are a few fries short of a Happy Meal.
CASSANDRA: Don't worry so much Mommay! I have good news! I know that a ton of murders are going to happen because Agamemnon chose me! Death and blood and destruction! OH IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY!!!! THEY'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!! I know this for certain!!! I have a very reliable source!!!!
HECUBA: Did the leprechaun tell you this?
CASSANDRA: Of course not, silly Mommay! The leprechaun can't predict the future! THE MONKEY TELLS ME ABOUT THE FUTURE!!!!!!!
TALTHYBIUS: I don't know what Aggy was smoking when he picked this chick, but I'd better stay away from his stash. This chick's a Grade-A freak.
HECUBA: GGGRRRRR!!!!
TALTHYBIUS: Whatever. Let's get going Ophelia.
CASSANDRA: DON'T TOUCH ME!!!! YOU'LL DIE IF YOU TOUCH ME!!!! I'M THE GRIM REAPER!!!!! HA HA HA!!!!! GRAPENUTS!!!!!
TALTHYBIUS: I am so not looking forward to the sail home . . .
HECUBA: Wait!
CASSANDRA: Don't worry Mommay, I will DESTROY THEM ALL!!! MWUHA HA HA!!!! DON'T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA!!!!!!!!!*leaves*
HECUBA: There goes the last person here who cared about me . . . even if she was nuttier than a fruitcake. But I need no comfort.
WOMEN: This must be kinda hard for you -
HECUBA: STEP OFF BITCHES!!! I SAID I NEED NO COMFORT!!!! BLARGH!!!!
WOMEN: Fine, see if we offer any help again.
HECUBA: Well, at least things can't get any worse.
ANDROMACHE: You are so wrong, as usual.
HECUBA(to Woman #6): Is that Bitcherella I hear coming to join the party?
WOMAN #6: No, it's Andromache of course!
HECUBA: Naive child *pats Woman #6 on the head*
ANDROMACHE: Everything is your fault.
HECUBA: Oh?
ANDROMACHE: Yes, it is SO obviously your fault that you didn't kill your baby and then he grew up to be a man-slut and then he found the sluttiest slut to ever slut and brought her back here and it's your fault that her husband got totally batshit and it's your fault that he had a bunch of friends who had taken an oath to protect uber-slut and it's your fault they all came here and it's your fault that my husband and my pet goldifsh Goldie and my imaginary friend Bob are all dead!
HECUBA: Yeah, well "man-slut" is dead too. That make you feel any better?
ANDROMACHE: NO! It doesn't! I want you to admit that you suck!
HECUBA: Ex-CUSE me, but I am the queen AND your mother-in-law, so you better respect my authorit-TAY.
ANDROMACHE: NO! I won't! And it's your fault that I only have one child too!
HECUBA: Yes, I made you infertile on purpose. That was my grand master plan. In case you haven't noticed, I only have one kid left too, and she's in Camp Granada.
ANDROMACHE: Where the Hades have you been? She's dead.
HECUBA: What?!? . . . um, no she isn't! She's fine! Totally alive! With such lovely plumage!
ANDROMACHE: I saw them sacrifice her to Brad Pitt!
HECUBA: I'm not listening! I'm not listening! La la la!!!!
ANDROMACHE: Look, this is Troy, not Egypt, so you can't be in De-Nile!
*crickets*
WOMEN: Okay, we thinks this family's got serious issues . . .
HECUBA: My life just keeps getting more and more poopy doesn't it? Gods I hate this.
ANDROMACHE: Grrr . . . I hate you for mourning your daughter! WHAT ABOUT ME???????
WOMEN: Attention whore much, Andromache?
HECUBA: Dude, at least you're still alive.
ANDROMACHE: I don't care! I want to die! My life is nothing but horrid misery! Nobody understands me! I'm so different from all of you because I listen to different music! I cut myself to make the pain go away!
HECUBA: Now listen, you can hate me all you want, but I'm not having a poser emo-kid for my daughter-in-law so suck it up.
ANDROMACHE: HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?!?!?! YOU'RE SO MEAN!!!! WAH!!!!
HECUBA: Will you stop whining already? It's not going to change anything so get over it. Look, things may seem pretty bad, but guess what? You have a son! And someday he'll grow up and murder all the Greeks for revenge.
ANDROMACHE: Now that you put it that way, revenge and murder make me happy!
HECUBA: Good. It should. Besides, at least things can't get any worse.
TALTHYBIUS: . . . Um . . . hi everyone. How's the weather over here? Everyone comfortable on those rocks? Just making sure.
ANDROMACHE: Why the Hades are you here?
TALTHYBIUS: Look, I don't really want to do this, but I have to. In addition to democracy, Greece came up with authoritative bureaucracy as well.
ANDROMACHE: Get to the point already!
TALTHYBIUS: They want me to kill your baby.
ANDROMACHE and HECUBA: WTF?!?!?!?!?
TALTHYBIUS *holding ears*: Okay, I know it's upsetting, but please, I'd like to not go deaf if it's alright with you.
ANDROMACHE: I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE!!!!!
HECUBA: Well I wasn't expecting THIS!!
ANDROMACHE *to baby*: Goodbye. This isn't my fault I'll have you know. Blame Greece. *to Talthybius* I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL BABY-KILLER!!!!
TALTHYBIUS: But this isn't my fault!
ANDROMACHE: YES IT IS!!!!! YOU'RE GOING TO KILL MY BABY!!!! AND IT'S YOUR FAULT I HAVE A RASH TOO!!!!!!
TALTHYBIUS: er . . . Let's get this chick out of here. *leaves with baby*
GUARD #1 *dragging Andromache away*: Why don't I get any input on this?
HECUBA: Gods, is there no end to how poopy life can get?
WOMAN #1: Now we have no hope left.
WOMAN #2: There goes the last Trojan.
WOMAN #3: But we'll have other kids.
WOMAN #5: But they won't be Trojans.
WOMAN #4: Um . . . actually, if we're Trojan, won't that make our kids half-Trojan?
WOMAN #7: Shh!! This is B.C.! Feminism hasn't started yet!
WOMAN #4: But . . . isn't that just ethnicity?
WOMAN #1: Don't make me come over there and beat you with a stick.
WOMEN: The gods hate us.
HECUBA: HEY, I'M TRYING TO BE DEPRESSED OVER HERE!!! WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF?!?!?!?
WOMAN #2 *whispers*: Drama queen.
HECUBA: I heard that.
WOMAN #2: *runs away*
MENELAUS: Bwuha ha ha ha! Finally vengeance will be mine! This will teach that slut not to run away from me! And I definitely taught that man-slut too! Oh I will make them all pay! And I shall do it with my most brilliant plan yet, which I came up with myself because I am the smartest man in the world! She will cower before me . . .
HECUBA: Didn't this guy see "The Incredibles"? Monologuing gets you nowhere . . .
MENELAUS: Huh? Oh, it's that queen who's kingdom I totally destroyed and wiped out her family. How's it hanging?
HECUBA: I would be inclined to murder you right now if not for the fact that you want revenge against that whore who I hate more than anything, even you.
MENELAUS: Yes! I shall murder Helen indeed! With a plan so filled with irony and poetic justice that -
HECUBA: Okay, okay I get it. Skip the monologue already and just kill her.
MENELAUS: No! I have to gloat in front of her! What's the use of getting revenge without gloating? *to Guard #2* Bring her out here so I can gloat!
GUARD #2: What am I doing here? Wasn't I a god or something?
HECUBA: Don't bring her out here you idiot! She'll seduce you! Sluts are quite good at that you know.
MENELAUS: Nonsense! She's never been able to seduce me before!
HECUBA: Yeah, except for that time when you married her.
MENELAUS: . . . well, yeah, but only that time!
*Guard #2 brings out Helen*
WOMEN: KILL!!!! MAIM!!!!
GUARD #2: No way, you only get to do that if you're her pimp-daddy.
MENELAUS *slaps Helen*: Watch me smack my bitch up!
HELEN: I know that you hate me but you don't need to beat me. You were never the seme, I know.
MENELAUS: Um . . . can we not talk about that right now?
HELEN: What? Like everyone in Greece doesn't know that I was the one wearing the leather boots -
MENELAUS: Shut up! That doesn't matter now because I'm going to kill you!
HELEN: You can't kill me! It's not my fault!
HECUBA: Yes it is!
HELEN: No it isn't!
HECUBA: Yes it is!
HELEN: Is not!
HECUBA: Is too!
HELEN: Is not!
HECUBA: Then who's fault is it?!
HELEN: . . . um . . . it was . . . um . . . the gods! Yep, the gods! Sure was! You know them wacky gods! They don't like stupid places like Troy!
MENELAUS: Gods-smods. You left me for that pansy man-ho!
HELEN: But I didn't mean too!!!! YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU HONEY!!!! DON'T KILL ME!!! WAH!!!!!!
HECUBA: Gods, you're whinier than Andromache!
WOMEN *whispering*: Look who's talking.
HECUBA: I heard that.
WOMEN: *run away*
HELEN: Hey Mene, remember them good old days when you was my pimp and I was your ho? I'd really like to go back to them good old days.
HECUBA: Quiet whore, or I WILL claw your eyes out.
HELEN: C'mon Mene! Paris wasn't anywhere near as good a pimp-daddy as you! I kept trying to come back to you and you know it baby!
MENELAUS: Hmmm . . . I did always like being a pimp.
HECUBA: Hello?!?! She's just playin' ya like a fool! Kill her already!
HELEN: But I said I was sorry baby. * Bambi eyes*
MENELAUS: Hmmm . . . revenge, sex. Revenge, sex. I think I'll have to go with sex.
HELEN: Oh thank you merciful husband. *to Hecuba* HA! How do you like that, post-menopausal bitch?
HECUBA: MARGHBLARGINMACAW!!!!!!!! I WILL CUT YOU WHORE!!!!!!!!
HELEN: Guess what bitch, I'm off scot-free! Bwuha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!! *taken away by guard*
MENELAUS: I won't mistake this for love this time. Even if she does have a great rack. Of course I won't because I'm the smartest person to ever live! I cannot be manipulated!
HECUBA: I hate you so much.
MENELAUS: Yeah, well, sucks to be you. *leaves*
HECUBA: Okay, this absolutely cannot get any worse.
TALTHYBIUS: Here's your grandson's mutilated body! Thought you'd might like to see it!
HECUBA: *GLARE OF DEATH*
TALTHYBIUS: . . . okay, maybe that wasn't the most tactful thing to say . . . um . . . how about I go over there now?
HECUBA: I hate everyone. I guess I'll talk to this baby now. He's the only one who loves me. Oh wait, he's dead. So no-one loves me. Yay.
WOMEN: We'll kneel just because we feel sorry for the kid.
HECUBA *channels Juri Arisugawa*: THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS MIRACLES!!!! oh, sorry about that. Copyright infringement. I mean . . . I BELIEVE IN NOTHING!!!! Yeah, that's the one.
TALTHYBIUS: Well, time to take you all away now. YO GUARDS, GET OUT HERE!!!!
GUARD #1: So I don't get any lines but I still have to obey your every whim? I'm calling up the union.
GUARD #2: From a god to a guard. If was a chick I could wine about it, but the guys don't get to whine in this play. Damn.
TALTHYBIUS: There wasn't much of Troy left, but don't worry, we set fire to that too.
HECUBA: *GLARE OF DEATH*
TALTHYBIUS: Look, I'm sorry about this, but I kinda need that corpse back, okay?
HECUBA: You're hankering to get your eyes clawed out once we get on the boat.
TALTHYBIUS: Dammit, I like my eyes too. *Talby and guards leave*
HECUBA: I never even realized that life could get this poopy.
WOMEN: Eh, that's tragedy for you.
HECUBA: I can't take this anymore!! *talks to the ground* Hello! My husband! My sons! Can you hear me?!?!!?
WOMAN #1: I think she's finally gone the way of Cassandra.
WOMAN #2: Yeah, but yelling at the ground looks like fun!
WOMAN #7: Won't we look ridiculous?
WOMAN #3: Not if the queen's doing it!
WOMEN *to ground*: LISTEN SOULS OF THE DEAD!!!!!!!!
HECUBA: I have no faith left in this world! The gods mock us! Not only is all of my family gone, but they keep on producing more Disney direct-to-video sequels and reality shows!
WOMEN: ALL HAS VANISHED AND TROY IS NOTHING!!!!
HECUBA: Oh yeah, Troy's gone too. That really sucks.
*crash*
HECUBA: Did you hear that?
WOMEN: OMGWTF!!!! THE LAST TOWER HAS FALLEN!!!!!!!! OMGWTF!!!!!!!
HECUBA: . . . Yes, thank you. Now I believe Japan knows that the last tower has fallen. Well, guess we can't whine anymore. Onward to slavery.
WOMEN: Yay! Men! . . . I mean . . . woe! Grief! Angst!
HECUBA: . . . I hate you all.
THE END ! =D