It's a sin with no name
I went to church for the first time after Easter today. This wouldn't be a big deal for most people, but for me it is. I used to go nearly every week, and then I began spiting God after Easter. Today I felt that I needed to get over myself and pray again.
God, what a hypocrite I am. I sneer at those who claim that mysticism and faith will heal people, yet all I could do was pray for a miracle for my father. Even though everything I know tells me that it's useless, I still cling to that naive hope. How pathetic I am.
But I am still more pathetic than that. I've been a horrible person lately. It seems that the sins have all been plaguing me lately, envy in particular. So I prayed for God to heal my heart, that I could find the old strength and faith that I used to have. But this is what a horrible person I am: I wished to be released of all my sins except for one. The sin of loving someone who cannot be mine.
I know, I shouldn't feel this way. It's wrong. He has someone and I must accept it. And wouldn't I be happier if I was cured of it? And yet when I look at him, when I hear his voice, I cannot let go of my feelings. He inspires me so much, he is my muse, so though I know it is wrong for me to feel this way, I refuse to part with these feelings.
Why do I feel this way? It's not like a crush. Is it love? Or is it merely desire? And will I be damned for it?
God, what a hypocrite I am. I sneer at those who claim that mysticism and faith will heal people, yet all I could do was pray for a miracle for my father. Even though everything I know tells me that it's useless, I still cling to that naive hope. How pathetic I am.
But I am still more pathetic than that. I've been a horrible person lately. It seems that the sins have all been plaguing me lately, envy in particular. So I prayed for God to heal my heart, that I could find the old strength and faith that I used to have. But this is what a horrible person I am: I wished to be released of all my sins except for one. The sin of loving someone who cannot be mine.
I know, I shouldn't feel this way. It's wrong. He has someone and I must accept it. And wouldn't I be happier if I was cured of it? And yet when I look at him, when I hear his voice, I cannot let go of my feelings. He inspires me so much, he is my muse, so though I know it is wrong for me to feel this way, I refuse to part with these feelings.
Why do I feel this way? It's not like a crush. Is it love? Or is it merely desire? And will I be damned for it?