(no subject)
I am so bad at getting what I want and I am worse at asking for it. Afraid of being labelled a number of labels and the worse of them all an unknown label at an unknown place and time, which I will only find out about it afterwards. A story of my life. But there is no way to avoid this fate, it is irresistible, and at this point in time I believe I have become well aware of that. Still I try to avoid it like Lord Macbeth trying to avoid the second half of the prophecy; as still it seems worse than meaningless death, to be seen as a calculating and ruthlessly self-seeking character. And yet I laugh with those who manage the art of being calculating so well, admiring their candour of embracing their own mastery and happily accepting their compliments. Fine, it was not so much a compliment rather than a casual exasperation over unfairness, which is after all irrelevant and immaterial to the calculating master himself. But easily consolable, I happily accept it anyway, presuming good intentions until proven otherwise. For what I constantly feel about people who are more like the past me than the present me, I presume to be what the calculating master feels about me.