long and windy verbal road
i've always gone after what i wanted out of life, not paying much attention to others with advice like "you won't qualify. you aren't good enough. you can't afford it. that's too good for you. you reach too far." why settle when so many wonderful things are possible?
i've always been a shy and uncertain kind of person, but when i find something i want, really really want, i go for it. i figure out the problems, i go over the math, angles and strategies and then i beeline in the best way i can figure. i haven't really wanted many things so badly as this, i've been mostly content to let my life unfold, but what i have wanted, i've gotten. i have my children, i have a job that pays the bills well and benefits that cover what i need them too. i've never had to work fast food or a job that humiliates. the men i've set my sights on, i've gotten and the hard times of my life (painful, disappointing, abortive, wasteful) points of my life that anyone would think i regret i don't because i can easily see what was necessary to get me to this point and life turns out pretty much the way it should.
i've been thinking briefly today about my ex-h (if you couldn't tell). there is no way in this reality that i couldn't have spent a relationship with him. while he turned out to be quite a waste of space, there were so many things associated with being with him that i would have missed had i refused him. meeting Luc and Lu so i could give them Star, going to the clerical school i did, getting a job with the county, my sister's marriage, myself growing as an adult. as a husband or father or friend, he is a failure, as a catalyst for change he is excellent. not that i blame him for everything that went wrong, you understand, as i had quite the large part to play in that catastrophe, but everyone gets to be young and stupid once in their life.
i've wondered if there is a luck or magic to my life. i don't think my luck is extraordinarily good or unusual. magic is just a series of formulae that isn't immediately apparent. still, there is something that works for me. i get what i want. not immediately, but when it hasn't happened right away, when it does happen i can see where something that made it better or closer to what i wanted had to happen at the right time. i am impatient, tho. i want all the good, all the time, right now, even tho i know it doesn't work that way. there must be growing and pains thru the growing. everything happens when and how it does for a reason, at least it does with me.
i just want it now is all. things feel like they are just on the edge and i have a hate/love relationship with falling over the edge. i keep thinking of all the bad things that can happen before the good stuff has time to ripen. i probably just think too much in general.
i've always been a shy and uncertain kind of person, but when i find something i want, really really want, i go for it. i figure out the problems, i go over the math, angles and strategies and then i beeline in the best way i can figure. i haven't really wanted many things so badly as this, i've been mostly content to let my life unfold, but what i have wanted, i've gotten. i have my children, i have a job that pays the bills well and benefits that cover what i need them too. i've never had to work fast food or a job that humiliates. the men i've set my sights on, i've gotten and the hard times of my life (painful, disappointing, abortive, wasteful) points of my life that anyone would think i regret i don't because i can easily see what was necessary to get me to this point and life turns out pretty much the way it should.
i've been thinking briefly today about my ex-h (if you couldn't tell). there is no way in this reality that i couldn't have spent a relationship with him. while he turned out to be quite a waste of space, there were so many things associated with being with him that i would have missed had i refused him. meeting Luc and Lu so i could give them Star, going to the clerical school i did, getting a job with the county, my sister's marriage, myself growing as an adult. as a husband or father or friend, he is a failure, as a catalyst for change he is excellent. not that i blame him for everything that went wrong, you understand, as i had quite the large part to play in that catastrophe, but everyone gets to be young and stupid once in their life.
i've wondered if there is a luck or magic to my life. i don't think my luck is extraordinarily good or unusual. magic is just a series of formulae that isn't immediately apparent. still, there is something that works for me. i get what i want. not immediately, but when it hasn't happened right away, when it does happen i can see where something that made it better or closer to what i wanted had to happen at the right time. i am impatient, tho. i want all the good, all the time, right now, even tho i know it doesn't work that way. there must be growing and pains thru the growing. everything happens when and how it does for a reason, at least it does with me.
i just want it now is all. things feel like they are just on the edge and i have a hate/love relationship with falling over the edge. i keep thinking of all the bad things that can happen before the good stuff has time to ripen. i probably just think too much in general.