Someone get this out of my head.
I had another trauma attack last night. It scares me a lot, how I turn into a completely different person. I talk outloud and I just let everything out. And I imagine someone sitting next to me listening but I can never do it when people are around. And sometimes I actually believe the people are there but then I realize I'm all alone. Always alone. It also scares me because my chest heaves and my body scrunges and tightens up and I lunge upward. Then I lay back down and try to breath and it happens again and again. And I try to calm down but the pain in stabbing me all over. It hurt so bad. I can't breathe. And that's when I have to hold back, cuz I throw up. I throw up blood. My stomach is still upset. My eyes were puffy today. My dad heard me last night and gave me some pills to calm me down. I just have too much to think about. I think I'm going to have a nervous breakdown soon. I'm having these anxiety attacks more than 3 times a week! I'm not myself. I'm not talking much. And I'm not being myself. Like I was in Florida. But I cant go back. I cant live with that evil lady who is part of my suffering. I dont know what to do with myself. I try to tell myself everyday I'm fine. But im not fine. im far from fine. and i try to focus on the good things in my life but it doesnt work for long. the memories take my body and brain over. I remember what they did to me. it makes me very upset. very upset. very very very upset. i hate seeing my blood. but then i like it. when i used to cut myself, it felt soo good. but i hold my wrists when i cry and tell myself it didnt do anything. cuz it didnt. but i miss seeing my blood. i miss concentrating on some other kind of pain than whats going on in my head. i have no escape. im trapped. and i cant take it any longer. all i want to do is cry. cry cry cry. and it doesnt make me feel better. it makes me think and it makes me sick. i just want to heal. why cant i heal? why cant i forget? forget again? im having these dreams also. dreams of my mother yelling at me. and of my friends doing weird things. and packs of kids stealing all my hope. why do i dream unhappy things?
why am i being put under so much pain when everyone is saying i did nothing? that it wasnt my fauly. i dont understand. does god hate me? is he betraying me. i cry everytime i go to church. today i said to jesus, i wont raise or bow my head to the likes of you. i couldnt believe i had just thought that. im such a bad person. im a liar. i lie all the time. i dont want to lie anymore. but i have to. to keep my secrets. im such a bad person. no wonder god hates me. no wonder i have no friends here. no wonder im all alone. i really am. all alone. i can talk talk talk to anyone but it doesnt make things change. nothing gets better. i dont think ill ever get my questions answered. through depression god was always my comfort. now, hes not. and im all alone. i cant comfort myself anymore. for 3 fucken years... i got comfort from tears and a piece of paper. 3 fucken years. im not talking to my mom. i hate her. i do not love her. she does not love me. i knew it. no one can change my mind. she is evil. she is making me suffer out here. worrying about her. me being her "finicial problem", the "stress" or "problem" in her life. gosh, i cant remember the last time she addressed me with my name. she makes me think my life has to be perfect. if i make a mistake i get so upset. ill have an anxiety attack over it. specially when i do homework and i dont know how to do something. i call myself stupid. did you know, for 2 years, id go home and look at myself in the mirror and tell myself how stupid i am, how ugly i am, and how no one wants me around. 8th grade i was so suicidal. i tried killing myself! i dont want to go back to that. its like im being forced to go back to the black. i dont want to go to the black. i want to find the light. but im always in the black. always. and im getting weaker and weaker against holding back from going to the black. i cant see my angels anymore. i hear them, but i dont see them. is it because i told? is it because god hates me? i want them to come back. i need them. now im all alone. i just want to heal. please heal. i dont want to remember anymore. i dont want it haunting me. i dont want to have nightmares and wake up sweating, terrorized. and not be able to sleep again. i want to make friends and not be so lonely. i want to make friends like me. no one here is like me. i miss BB and brittany and justin and devvy and nicole and leila and jared and mindy and bianca. i miss them so much. no one here is like them. no one here understands. no one here is crazy or eccentric. no one wants to go on crazee adventures or pretend to be hunchbacks. that is why i am all alone. and im not myself. and part of healing is finding yourself. but i am not myself. and im giving up. cuz im not fine. and im a bad person. and no one is giving me help. and i remember. i remember everything. please get it out of my head....
why am i being put under so much pain when everyone is saying i did nothing? that it wasnt my fauly. i dont understand. does god hate me? is he betraying me. i cry everytime i go to church. today i said to jesus, i wont raise or bow my head to the likes of you. i couldnt believe i had just thought that. im such a bad person. im a liar. i lie all the time. i dont want to lie anymore. but i have to. to keep my secrets. im such a bad person. no wonder god hates me. no wonder i have no friends here. no wonder im all alone. i really am. all alone. i can talk talk talk to anyone but it doesnt make things change. nothing gets better. i dont think ill ever get my questions answered. through depression god was always my comfort. now, hes not. and im all alone. i cant comfort myself anymore. for 3 fucken years... i got comfort from tears and a piece of paper. 3 fucken years. im not talking to my mom. i hate her. i do not love her. she does not love me. i knew it. no one can change my mind. she is evil. she is making me suffer out here. worrying about her. me being her "finicial problem", the "stress" or "problem" in her life. gosh, i cant remember the last time she addressed me with my name. she makes me think my life has to be perfect. if i make a mistake i get so upset. ill have an anxiety attack over it. specially when i do homework and i dont know how to do something. i call myself stupid. did you know, for 2 years, id go home and look at myself in the mirror and tell myself how stupid i am, how ugly i am, and how no one wants me around. 8th grade i was so suicidal. i tried killing myself! i dont want to go back to that. its like im being forced to go back to the black. i dont want to go to the black. i want to find the light. but im always in the black. always. and im getting weaker and weaker against holding back from going to the black. i cant see my angels anymore. i hear them, but i dont see them. is it because i told? is it because god hates me? i want them to come back. i need them. now im all alone. i just want to heal. please heal. i dont want to remember anymore. i dont want it haunting me. i dont want to have nightmares and wake up sweating, terrorized. and not be able to sleep again. i want to make friends and not be so lonely. i want to make friends like me. no one here is like me. i miss BB and brittany and justin and devvy and nicole and leila and jared and mindy and bianca. i miss them so much. no one here is like them. no one here understands. no one here is crazy or eccentric. no one wants to go on crazee adventures or pretend to be hunchbacks. that is why i am all alone. and im not myself. and part of healing is finding yourself. but i am not myself. and im giving up. cuz im not fine. and im a bad person. and no one is giving me help. and i remember. i remember everything. please get it out of my head....