(no subject)
I can never trust anyone.
I feel like I want to scream.
But I stay quiet.
I am staying quiet.
You ever think you made the wrong decision in the right?
I feel wrong for leaving my family and friends
for me.
But I needed to.
Because I was suffering.
And I thought herem I'll heal. But I'm suffering here too.
Missing everyone, it doesn't cover my feelings. That one word miss.
It drives me into thinking I made the wrong mistake.
But I didn't. It's just hard, really really hard.
I'm crying as I write this.
I am secretive for the worst in me.
I am not believing in God.
My only comfort for so many years.
I do not trust. I never will.
People don't understand.
They never will.
Some people can understand others.
But no one understands me.
Not even Vessela. No.
We can think that, but its not true.
Because I don't understand you.
I don't understand why your sad.
Because I feel like nothing happend to you.
But you moved from your hometown.
Like I just did.
And I see now, that something did happen.
I'm not happy here. But then I am.
I don't like the girls out here.
Their different and weird.
I miss my friends.
The ones I could show my fake/true side too.
I call it fake and true, because I was being myself in a way to protect their minds.
Mine is in danger.
Theirs seem so innocent and pure.
I am the jeopardy.
They are the angels.
My secrets condem people to think and worry.
I dont want you guys to worry about me.
I can take care of myself, sometimes not the very best, but I can,
So dont worry.
Enjoy your life and dont be sad.
For youll realize theyre is no reason.
But I have a reason.
Its those visions that haunt me.
I'm afraid of the dark
because that day
when they used me
I thought it was my last.
I remember now, everything that I was thinking until it all went black.
How my last words in my head before I went out were "And now I die a new beginning"
It makes no sense as a sentence but all the sense in meaning.
I wanted to die for a long time. To start over. To not have pain. I cant deal with myself.
I hate myself. And I love myself. I'm disgusted at my body, I feel dirty, and then I feel like an angel, so pure, at times.
I'm giving up again.
Its hard to explain.
I will not trust.
I simply cant. No offense.
I'm giving up.
I do not write. Except for this.
I do not eat.
I do not sleep.
I do not talk.
I miss.
I bleed on the inside.
bleed bleed bleed.
It does not stop.
I feel it will never.
I cant remember a time in the last 3 years that I felt care-free.
I always have something on my mind.
When I bite my lip or my nails... I'm thinking about something bad.
Did you ever notice me do that?
Or when I pull on my hair or my eyelashes.
Bad bad habits.
They all revolve around what happend.
And I ask God, why?
I wrote beautiful poems about my pain.
It inspired me to become a writer.
My destiny in life.
But couldnt he have showed me another way.
Then to have me struggle my every day.
I thank him and then I hate him.
And I start to think hes not even real.
That I'm all alone.
Like I've always been.
We all are alone.
But then were not.
Because were all connected to eachother.
In the way we think and the things we feel.
We connected
but were lost.
So dont be sad.
Carry on with your life.
Have fun.
Meet people.
Think of future and what you can change.
Not your past.
I dwell.
I do it all the time.
Its a habit.
Ves, you say you look up to me.
But dont please.
You see only the good in people.
I am so bad
I am so sad
So sad......
I feel like I want to scream.
But I stay quiet.
I am staying quiet.
You ever think you made the wrong decision in the right?
I feel wrong for leaving my family and friends
for me.
But I needed to.
Because I was suffering.
And I thought herem I'll heal. But I'm suffering here too.
Missing everyone, it doesn't cover my feelings. That one word miss.
It drives me into thinking I made the wrong mistake.
But I didn't. It's just hard, really really hard.
I'm crying as I write this.
I am secretive for the worst in me.
I am not believing in God.
My only comfort for so many years.
I do not trust. I never will.
People don't understand.
They never will.
Some people can understand others.
But no one understands me.
Not even Vessela. No.
We can think that, but its not true.
Because I don't understand you.
I don't understand why your sad.
Because I feel like nothing happend to you.
But you moved from your hometown.
Like I just did.
And I see now, that something did happen.
I'm not happy here. But then I am.
I don't like the girls out here.
Their different and weird.
I miss my friends.
The ones I could show my fake/true side too.
I call it fake and true, because I was being myself in a way to protect their minds.
Mine is in danger.
Theirs seem so innocent and pure.
I am the jeopardy.
They are the angels.
My secrets condem people to think and worry.
I dont want you guys to worry about me.
I can take care of myself, sometimes not the very best, but I can,
So dont worry.
Enjoy your life and dont be sad.
For youll realize theyre is no reason.
But I have a reason.
Its those visions that haunt me.
I'm afraid of the dark
because that day
when they used me
I thought it was my last.
I remember now, everything that I was thinking until it all went black.
How my last words in my head before I went out were "And now I die a new beginning"
It makes no sense as a sentence but all the sense in meaning.
I wanted to die for a long time. To start over. To not have pain. I cant deal with myself.
I hate myself. And I love myself. I'm disgusted at my body, I feel dirty, and then I feel like an angel, so pure, at times.
I'm giving up again.
Its hard to explain.
I will not trust.
I simply cant. No offense.
I'm giving up.
I do not write. Except for this.
I do not eat.
I do not sleep.
I do not talk.
I miss.
I bleed on the inside.
bleed bleed bleed.
It does not stop.
I feel it will never.
I cant remember a time in the last 3 years that I felt care-free.
I always have something on my mind.
When I bite my lip or my nails... I'm thinking about something bad.
Did you ever notice me do that?
Or when I pull on my hair or my eyelashes.
Bad bad habits.
They all revolve around what happend.
And I ask God, why?
I wrote beautiful poems about my pain.
It inspired me to become a writer.
My destiny in life.
But couldnt he have showed me another way.
Then to have me struggle my every day.
I thank him and then I hate him.
And I start to think hes not even real.
That I'm all alone.
Like I've always been.
We all are alone.
But then were not.
Because were all connected to eachother.
In the way we think and the things we feel.
We connected
but were lost.
So dont be sad.
Carry on with your life.
Have fun.
Meet people.
Think of future and what you can change.
Not your past.
I dwell.
I do it all the time.
Its a habit.
Ves, you say you look up to me.
But dont please.
You see only the good in people.
I am so bad
I am so sad
So sad......