(no subject)
So yeah it is how it is. I'm trying real hard not to cut right now. I feel awful for being who I am. I plan on changing it, but I can't get past the pain. The life of an addict is not what I seen myself being 2-4 years ago. Never, I thought I had kicked that. I hate being on pills I do but I hurt so bad when I'm not on them. I honestly don't want to loose him over a fucking pill. I want help I want to quit them. I love him more then I have ever loved anyone. I shoot pills. I never seen myself being on the needle. I never seen myself ever being this bad off. I don't want to do it anymore and I know that but it seems like as soon as I wake up, I have to have a pill to get through the day. I honestly get sick as hell with out it. I feel like I'm not as good unless I have one in me. I love the fact that he wants me off of them and I want it just as bad. It hurts to know that I hurt him by waking up looking for a pill. I feel awful for it. I just feel like I make his life hell. I feel like I'm ruining another human being and exposing them to a life with me that no one should en dour. I honestly feel like my world is crumbling in my hands I don't want to sleep. I'm that scared of loosing one second with him. I know I shouldn't be so selfish. But he honestly feels like the best thing that has happened in my life. I try to talk to my friends about it and they just don't understand what I'm going through. The only person that could understand me is the one person I don't know how to talk to. I wear scars from past relationships. I don't want to wear a scar from this one at least not a scar on the outside. I just wish that for once how I feel would come out of my mouth how I actually feel and not sound wrong. I wish I wouldn't feel like I was doing the wrong thing by trying to talk to someone. I don't want to go through this alone anymore. He has stood by my side through so much and I know he would stand by my side through anything. I'm just afraid to take a risk on it, You know what the sad thing is I feel like if I through the razor blade away that I won't have anything to fall back on. With out him I have nothing to live for. There is nothing else. I'm so scared that I'm not going to have him anymore. I feel like I'm loosing everything. I always have had someone else making my decisions for me. I'm to the point I don't know what to do with my self. I just want him to be happy.
There is nothing that matters more to me then that. I don't think he sees it but its there.
There is nothing that matters more to me then that. I don't think he sees it but its there.