(no subject)
You think I am strong, actually I am not. I am very fragile, my soul is very weak. Forgive me, angel of music.
I've been trying so hard to fill my mind with frills and laces, but the fact is, it can't make the pain go away. There are feeling that I just can't say it. I can understand it so well myself, but if I say it, it will only make the cut go deeper instead of mending it. After being very depressed for 2 days, today I am a little lighten because I had my braces taken off. But the dentist appointment just made the pain flood me again. You know what, I worked so hard to come this far, I told the dentist that I need it off before A-kon, I told her "I'm going to see this very very important person that I have been wanted to see for 10 years, I wanted him to see me pretty without the braces" and I cooperate with her with my greatest effort to make sure it will be taken off in time before I leave the city because I wished Kamijo to be the first one to see me smile without the braces. When I think about it, it just make me even want to cry. Yes, the braces is off today as scheduled, but he couldn't be the one to have my first smile. Dentist had to take pictures for some I don't know reasons, and I just couldn't cooperate with her, I don't know what is smile. I can't smile. I can't even fake one. My heart is so heavy that I gave up, I don't want to even try to fake it.
I mean, damnit. You all know me, I am always happy and cheerful so I can hide all the sadness and unfairness the world brings me. But this A-kon thing really makes me so sad that I don't even know how to fake a smile. This pain and sadness slowly turned into anger. I could feel I was very very angry at the smallest things all day long today. I tried so hard to calm down, I told myself I don't go to A-kon then I won't see those vulgar face-fans, I won't get mad at them and ruin my cutie fairy baby image. I'm going to see Kamijo in winter time in Japan, I will see Kaya and Mana also, buy all the frilly dresses I want and visit all the big cities in Japan all in one go. But then I started to feel my mind went the very wrong way... I am afraid to see Kamijo's face and hear his voice. I didn't sing any Lareine songs or Versailles' all day long to myself when it was so slow at work and I was standing around at the front desk. I also changed the laptop wallpaper from Versailles back to Josh Groban. I'm too scare to see the group photo. You know, I am just scare that later when I have "Noble" on my hand, I will be too scare to open it up and listen to it. I'm just scare that I will lose Kamijo because I run away from him.
Remember that, I am not otaku. My family never care about how I feel toward losing all my friends and everything I own and love in Hong Kong, and being dragged to US. My parents moved here without even asking my thought. They abused me so much when we just landed. I have nothing but papers and pencils, a MD player, a portable CD player with speakers and a Lareine MD to start my life. I always have the music on so that Kamijo's voice can put me to sleep. His voice was the only voice that will speak nice words to me. I see Kamijo as the only person that support me to live all these years I'm in US. It's not hard to understand he's almost like my god. He's like the person I turn to for strength to go on all alone trying not to step on the bombs.
I've been trying so hard to fill my mind with frills and laces, but the fact is, it can't make the pain go away. There are feeling that I just can't say it. I can understand it so well myself, but if I say it, it will only make the cut go deeper instead of mending it. After being very depressed for 2 days, today I am a little lighten because I had my braces taken off. But the dentist appointment just made the pain flood me again. You know what, I worked so hard to come this far, I told the dentist that I need it off before A-kon, I told her "I'm going to see this very very important person that I have been wanted to see for 10 years, I wanted him to see me pretty without the braces" and I cooperate with her with my greatest effort to make sure it will be taken off in time before I leave the city because I wished Kamijo to be the first one to see me smile without the braces. When I think about it, it just make me even want to cry. Yes, the braces is off today as scheduled, but he couldn't be the one to have my first smile. Dentist had to take pictures for some I don't know reasons, and I just couldn't cooperate with her, I don't know what is smile. I can't smile. I can't even fake one. My heart is so heavy that I gave up, I don't want to even try to fake it.
I mean, damnit. You all know me, I am always happy and cheerful so I can hide all the sadness and unfairness the world brings me. But this A-kon thing really makes me so sad that I don't even know how to fake a smile. This pain and sadness slowly turned into anger. I could feel I was very very angry at the smallest things all day long today. I tried so hard to calm down, I told myself I don't go to A-kon then I won't see those vulgar face-fans, I won't get mad at them and ruin my cutie fairy baby image. I'm going to see Kamijo in winter time in Japan, I will see Kaya and Mana also, buy all the frilly dresses I want and visit all the big cities in Japan all in one go. But then I started to feel my mind went the very wrong way... I am afraid to see Kamijo's face and hear his voice. I didn't sing any Lareine songs or Versailles' all day long to myself when it was so slow at work and I was standing around at the front desk. I also changed the laptop wallpaper from Versailles back to Josh Groban. I'm too scare to see the group photo. You know, I am just scare that later when I have "Noble" on my hand, I will be too scare to open it up and listen to it. I'm just scare that I will lose Kamijo because I run away from him.
Remember that, I am not otaku. My family never care about how I feel toward losing all my friends and everything I own and love in Hong Kong, and being dragged to US. My parents moved here without even asking my thought. They abused me so much when we just landed. I have nothing but papers and pencils, a MD player, a portable CD player with speakers and a Lareine MD to start my life. I always have the music on so that Kamijo's voice can put me to sleep. His voice was the only voice that will speak nice words to me. I see Kamijo as the only person that support me to live all these years I'm in US. It's not hard to understand he's almost like my god. He's like the person I turn to for strength to go on all alone trying not to step on the bombs.