Cooking for the Family 5
Jensen recognized the footsteps behind him from episodes of Deadwood. He’d only had three conversations with Jim Beaver: No I don’t want to be on the PTA, No I don’t want to be on the PTA, Don’t let Jamie buy anything at the bake sale no matter what he says. He didn’t really want to talk to the man now. But if he just started speaking and didn’t let Jim ask questions it would be better. “When I was little I wanted to be a grownup. I used to wear my dad’s ties and his shoes. My momma wanted my older brother to play the piano, he was seven. She said, ‘big boys play the piano without complaining.’ I was four and that afternoon I sat down and studied the music and the keys. And I figured out how to play some of the songs I liked by messing about with the keys and that meant I could figure out the sheet music backwards. By the time I was six I could play anything. I was very grownup.
“When I was fifteen I fell in love for the first time and I thought: this is being a grownup. I had adult feelings and I wanted to be culpable to him. I wanted to be good enough. Then it ended so badly, all over the tabloids and I cried so much and didn’t feel at all grown up. And then I went to college and I fed myself, and did my laundry, and was a competent, capable, and independent grownup. I called my parents once a week and led my own life. I graduated, bought a house and married my best friend.
“And then one day, after nine months of waiting, a man handed me seven pounds four ounces of life. This ugly bald thing, that was screaming and covered in blood. He had ten toes, ten fingers, and my uncle Mort’s nose. And I was instantly in love. I was happier then than I had ever been in my whole life. And Tricia and I we were so amazingly thrilled with our beautiful little boy. I was no longer responsible to anyone but him, not parents or teachers or boyfriends, not even myself. I could miss a shower, or not sleep, or miss a meal so long as I took care of him. And for a long time I believed that I really, finally, was the grownup I’d always been playing at.
“But watching Kim Manners pushing a tube down the throat of my seven pounds four ounces of life so that he’ll stop being blue… I am not a grownup. There’s no such thing as a grownup. The big kids just teach the little kids the rules to a gigantic secret game. Right now I want out. I want to be in my father’s closet trying on his shoes and wondering if my feet will ever be that big. Because how can I pretend to be a grown up when he might die within hours? For the last four years I have lived at a constant low level of panic. The last two years have been worse because there’s no Tricia here to talk to, to worry with or to tell me to relax. Every time he puts something in his mouth his body actively tries to kill him. So I just walk around pretending to be Big, Strong, Confident Daddy for his sake. But he’s unconscious so there’s no incentive for the act. He won’t be on the zoo trip that’s for sure. And I know just enough from all these hospital stays to know that he’s got at least thirty minutes to live, after that it’s a guess.”
“Is there anything I can do?” asked Jim. “Anything?”
Jensen thought, “Stand here for three minutes while I run to the nurse’s lounge and grab coffee.”
“I could get it for you.”
Jensen shook his head, “No because then I have to ask you what you’ve eaten for your last three meals and how many times you’ve washed your hands. Because I need to be totally clean when I finally get to go in there. But thanks, would you just stand here and tell Kim if he comes out that I will be right back?”
“Of course.”
“Do you want one?”
“No, thank you.”
Jensen walked to the nurse’s lounge, disgusted by how well he knew the place. He’d bought the damn coffee machine. The fact that all the nurses greeted him by name also creeped him out. He poured himself a cup of coffee and went back to the hall. He watched as they took blood and said, “Thank you, Jim.”
Jim said nothing just stood next to him. Then Annie was there, hugging him really, really close. He hugged her back, clung to her and breathed in slowly. She said hello to Jim but didn’t stop hugging Jensen. Pulling back slightly she said, “Mom and Dad, and your mom and dad and Mackenzie are on the way. Josh is on standby. Josh is waiting because Linda is out of town visiting her sister. He has the kids and he figured as opposed to swamping the hospital with more kids he’d wait until things calm down a bit. Jeff Morgan is dropping the kids off at Katherine’s mom’s house and will be here soon.” To Jim she said, “You can go. I’ve got this.”
“Is there anything I can do?” asked Jim.
“You did it,” said Jensen, “you waited here while I got coffee; that was a big help. Please go.” The man left and Jensen was grateful. He was leaning into Annie and he realized, “Sorry, didn’t mean to make you support me.”
“That’s okay. Where’s Jared?”
“He poisoned Jamie, I threw him out.”
“Jensen,” she said slowly.
“He may have killed my son. I don’t want to look at him.”
“Have you sat down yet?”
“I’m waiting to be told to go shower.”
“Maybe you should sit down until they tell you to go in.”
“No, I can sit once I’m in there.” And then Jeff Morgan was walking in with Mackie then they were both hugging him and looking through window at Jamie who was being shocked again.
For three hours he stood and watched the doctors running all sorts of tests and kept carting more machines into the room. Kim came to him twice to give him updates which were basically that there weren’t any updates. He sent Jeff home and then Tom came with Chris. They stood on either side of him and his parents kept handing him coffee. Finally during hour five Kim popped his head out and said, “Jen, go shower. He’s stable enough for that.”
Jensen said, “Thank God.” As he jogged away he heard Chris and Tom asking where Jared was. He didn’t care. He scrubbed fast and changed into sterile scrubs and pulled disposable booties over his shoes. Inside the room he sank down on the edge of Jamie’s bed, taking his little boy’s hands in his own, “Hi, baby. I’m right here. It’s all going to be okay now ‘cause I’m right here and I’m never going to let anyone hurt you ever again, I promise.” He started to weep, exhausted from the worry and angry at himself for ever trusting someone with the most important person in his life. He knew his family was watching through the window but he couldn’t care right then. He just cried and held Jamie’s hands.
Kim came in and said, “Jensen, I have some bad news but I need you to remain calm.” Jensen nodded slowly. “Jared packed up everything in school kitchen, all the food, utensils, cookware and Jamie’s vomit. There wasn’t anything suspect there.”
“What?”
“There was nothing Jamie is allergic to. He wasn’t exposed to something we know he’s allergic to.”
Jensen felt himself going cold. “So he’s allergic to something new?”
“Yes,” said Kim. “I’m so sorry, Jensen. He’s developed another allergy. Right now he’s stable and we’re going to keep him that way. He needs time to work this out of his system. It could take some time, you know that. Then he’s going to need to stay here until his body can heal itself. Once he’s healthy enough we’ll do a new round of RAST tests, figure out what’s going on. Until then he’s not going to be able to eat anything so he’ll be on TPN which I know is very distressing to him.”
The tests were exorbitantly expensive but they didn’t get Jamie sick so Jensen just nodded. “Okay.”
“This wasn’t Jared’s fault.”
Jensen just nodded. Kim said, “Your parents and in-laws have showered. They would like to come in, then Annie and Mack, and Chris is shouting that he’s the godfather and Tom is pretty insistent that if people are coming in in pairs then he should be allowed to come in with Chris.”
Jensen nodded again, “Kim, can you promise me that if I let them in, if I give them twenty minutes a pair that he’ll be alive in an hour and twenty minutes for me to come back to? Can you give me that much?”
“I can promise you at least three hours,” said Kim, “I can promise you that much.”
Jensen nodded, “Three hours is better than nothing, right?” He opened the door and pulled off the booties, dumping them into the trash. Outside he said, “Jamie has developed a new allergy and once he’s healthy again we’ll do new RAST tests. You guys can go in in pairs for twenty minutes each. I need to call Jared.”
He didn’t wait for them to say anything He just went outside and dialed his phone. There were a ton of paparazzi being held back by cops. Jared picked up almost instantly, “Hey, how is he?” asked Jared sounding scared.
“Kim’s promised me at least three hours. You didn’t do anything wrong. He’s allergic to something new. You didn’t do anything wrong, it’s not your fault. I’m sorry, I’m really sorry about what I said. Come back? Please.”
“Of course. I’ll be there as soon as possible.”
“I love you, I’m sorry for what I said and I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I know how terrifying it is. So thank you for keeping him alive and going in the ambulance with him because I’m glad he had someone he loves and who loves him beside him.”
“I’m just glad he’s stable. I’m going to stop by your house and I’ll be there soon. I love you both.”
They hung up and Jensen went back inside and scrubbed his hands. He stood outside Jamie’s room and looked in through the window as his family held Jamie. He waited for his turn to go in. He drank some more coffee and was starting to feel jittery but he wasn’t willing to eat anything from the cafeteria or the vending machines. Jared came in forty minutes later. And Jensen smiled at him, “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, I thought I’d poisoned him too. Don’t be sorry, you were scared.” Jared looked in the window, “How is he?”
“Stable. That’s the best we can ask for right now. His body needs to get the antigen out of his system then his body needs to recoup, that takes time. It’s a waiting game to see what we can hope for.” Jared leaned in but Jensen stepped back, “No touching until you’ve showered.”
Jared nodded, “Yeah, that’s a good idea.” He had a plastic bag with him. “I figured you can’t really eat anything from the cafeteria so I made you a dinner at your house. It’s all Jamie safe but there’s nothing in it that he has eaten today.” He pulled out Tupperware that Jensen recognized as his own and a fork. “I also brought toothpaste and your toothbrush, your contact case, contact solution, and your glasses. For Jamie I brought his Mickey bed sheets, Tricia’s lion and his CD player with of few of the CDs of you and Tricia singing. I know he’s not awake but you said he’s going to be here for a long time so I thought maybe it would be best to have it all here waiting. So eat and I’ll go shower.” Jensen nodded and took the Tupperware and fork.
“Thank you.” Jared just smiled and headed towards the shower and Jensen opened the Tupperware and saw brown rice and chicken and vegetables in a sauce still warm. He ate it quickly and realized he was hungry and that it was delicious. To his family he said what he always said and what was always ignored, “You guys can go. I’ll call if something happens.” People just rolled their eyes and Jensen went to brush his teeth and wash his hands and face. He came back to the hallways to see Jared now dressed in scrubs. That was when he finally hugged Jared.
“Hi,” said Jared.
“Hey,” responded Jensen, “Once Tom and Chris come out we can go in.” He pulled new booties on over his shoes. “They only have like five minutes left.”
“You put them on a time budget?”
“Yeah, I want back in. In a few hours, if there’s any improvement or nothing gets worse we’ll do a second round. And then maybe when he gets a little better we can have a few more people in the room.”
Jared nodded. He introduced himself to the Palickis and Jensen’s parents. Then Chris and Tom came out and Jensen pulled Jared into the room quickly, with the stuff Jared had brought him. “Hi, baby, I’m back. Jared’s here, he brought you your lion.” He placed the lion at the foot of the bed. Then he moved to the head of the bed, stroked Jamie’s hair off his face and kissed his cheek. He sat down on the bed and motioned for Jared to sit in the chair right next to the bed. Jared moved very carefully and slowly, like moving the air might damage Jamie. “Jared, you can touch him, it’s alright. You’re not going to hurt him.” Jared was watching the heart monitor. Jamie’s pulse kept going up and down, too fast, too slow over and over again. “It’s okay, this is normally his reaction. It’s not good but it’s not too bad. Kim wouldn’t let us in here if we were endangering him.”
Jared came over and took Jamie’s hand. “I am so sorry, Jamie.”
“Jared,” said Jensen softly, “it could have just as easily been me. I could have done it. It wasn’t your fault.”
“I’m the one who was cooking.”
Jensen stared down at Jamie, stroking his face. “I wish I’d been there. It’s really terrifying, the first time it happened I was positive he would be dead by the time we got to the hospital. Tricia was wailing and I was painfully calm, I was acting on autopilot. It never gets easier. It never gets less terrifying or easier but at least you know what to do, you have a little power over the situation. I’m sorry that you were by yourself.”
“I just dialed 911 and stood back. I was so shocked I just wanted to get of the way.”
“And that was the best thing you could do. If you don’t know what to do get out of the way and call the ambulance, it’s a very necessary and useful step. You made sure he got here to Kim, that’s good. I’m really sorry I threw you out of here, I’m sorry I freaked out, I should have known better. I-”
“I agreed with you. I agreed completely. I thought I’d done poisoned him, I thought I was entirely at fault and I didn’t want to get dumped but I totally got why I was being dumped. I wasn’t angry. I would have dumped me too. I agreed so you don’t need to apologize. Can I be undumped?”
“Of course you are,” Jensen reached out and took his free hand. “Of course you are. I love you, I just go a little insane when he’s in danger.”
“So how does this work? When do we know if he’s going to be okay?”
He breathed out slowly. “He has to get through tonight. If he does that’s a good sign. The first twenty-four hours are really big. He might crash again, we just have to wait. Once they needed to use the paddles five different times. He’s got a lot of swelling, that’s why he’s intubated, his throat is too swollen to get air in. If it gets worse he might have even more problems with his breathing, his lungs might get swollen. Right now, we can’t expect him to get better soon. We have to hope it plateaus. Once his body clears the antigen he’d going to be very weak because his body is fighting, he’ll need a lot of rest so he will still be unconscious. Once he’s cleared the antigen Kim can start with RAST tests even if he’s not awake.”
“What’s a RAST test? Is that where they put the dots under your skin?”
“No, he’s too sensitive for skin test. These are blood tests. They can really isolate the problem and if he’s clear they can start before he’s even awake. Which is good. It could take anything from hours to days for him to wake up. When he does we aren’t out of the woods, he’ll still be really sick. He’s going to hate being intubated, for the first few minutes it scares him. Once all the swelling goes down they can remove the tube, hopefully before he wakes up, and he can have a mask until he can breathe all by himself. He’s also going to be upset because he can’t eat until we’ve finished some of the RAST tests. That takes a couple of days so he’s going to be on TPN, which is just IV food. The problem with that is that it’s not good for his GI tract, or his liver.
“He’s going to feel really lousy, sick, tired and groggy. He’s going to be scared, he’s going to cry a lot and be really cuddly. He’s going to be physically frail. His body has taken a lot of energy fighting so hard, so he’s going to sleep a lot and he’ll be really vulnerable to infections or even the minutest trace of something he’s allergic to because his immune system is all out of whack. He’ll need to stay here until he’s strong. That will probably take a few weeks. We’ll know he is really getting better when he’s bored and whiney instead of scared and clingy. So that’s how it works, if it all goes well.”
Explanation done Jensen started to cry. Jared moved to hug him and Jensen clung to him, “I hate that I can lay it out for you, or that I know that TPN stands for total parenteral nutrition, or that RAST test are radioallergosorbent test. I hate the waiting. I hate that the nurses know me by name, I hate that he has spent almost a year collectively in this building, I hate that this is his life. I hate that I’m his dad and I can’t fix any of it. He’s six: he shouldn’t have to deal with any of this.”
Jared held him really close, stroking his back not saying anything, just hugging him as Jensen sobbed. He buried his face in Jared’s shoulder and cried. He couldn’t stop and Kim came in and Kim said, “He’s doing okay, Jensen. He’s doing better than he was when he came in.”
Jensen nodded but didn’t move his face away from Jared’s chest. ‘Thanks, Kim,” said Jared, “I’ve got Jen, he’s okay.”
“It’s late,” said Kim. “I’m going to send in a parent cot and I want to sleep for a little while.”
Jensen couldn’t bring himself to speak. Jared said, “Thanks, Kim. How long can you promise?”
“At least six, but it keeps looking better.”
“Thanks,” said Jared. As Kim left Jared said, “Maybe you should lay down, you don’t have to sleep, but this way you’ll be rested.” He pulled away gently and washed his hands and then got out Jensen’s contact case. “Open your eyes, there’s no mirror in here.” Jared gently held his left eye open and adroitly removed the lens, it was fast and clean. He repeated the process on his right eye. Then he handed Jensen his glasses. “Better?”
“Thank you. You’re really good at that.”
“Meggie, my sister, she needed help for the first six months when she got contacts.”
“Thanks.” A nurse came in with a bed and Jensen said, “Thanks, Dawn.”
“Try to get some sleep,” she smiled and he tried to smile back.
Jared gently pushed him to the bed, “I think that’s stupid. Why should you sleep? Just get a little rest.” Jensen sat on the bed and Jared pulled off his shoes for him. “Lay down, Jen.”
Continues in Jen's POV