The Season
I really don't know what it is about this season, or this particular year, for that matter, that is fucking with me so horrendously. I think I hare periodontitis. Fuck.
I don't even know what to write. All I'm thinking about is how stupid I'm going to feel reading this later on, and what kind of akward inner weirdness is going to be visible in between the lines. Fuck it, I don't care. I'm deciding not to care, because it is a decision that you make and I am making it right now. I don't want to be held down by my own mind anymore, and since it's my mind I'm making it up and I'm making it right now. I feel incredibly lonely and alone and cold, and I am haunted by memories of someone who doesn't love me or think of me anymore, but that's okay. I don't know if I am ever going to have that kind of love again, but I know that if I ever get the chance to do it again, that I will be ready.
I will try to make myself into the best person that I can be. I will try to always be honest and sincere and kind, and help people if I can, especially people who are lonely, because the worst kind of pain is separation. I feel as if I have been perpetually separated from something. Something very dear to me. The only time that I can remember not feeling this way is when I was with Minoru. I have a feeling that it will be a long time before I find anything like that again.
I don't even know what to write. All I'm thinking about is how stupid I'm going to feel reading this later on, and what kind of akward inner weirdness is going to be visible in between the lines. Fuck it, I don't care. I'm deciding not to care, because it is a decision that you make and I am making it right now. I don't want to be held down by my own mind anymore, and since it's my mind I'm making it up and I'm making it right now. I feel incredibly lonely and alone and cold, and I am haunted by memories of someone who doesn't love me or think of me anymore, but that's okay. I don't know if I am ever going to have that kind of love again, but I know that if I ever get the chance to do it again, that I will be ready.
I will try to make myself into the best person that I can be. I will try to always be honest and sincere and kind, and help people if I can, especially people who are lonely, because the worst kind of pain is separation. I feel as if I have been perpetually separated from something. Something very dear to me. The only time that I can remember not feeling this way is when I was with Minoru. I have a feeling that it will be a long time before I find anything like that again.