(no subject)
I was sitting in Harvard square, smoking a cigarette and watching the lights in the trees emerge as night slowly came on. I was sitting under the awning because of the rain, but it wasn't bad, not like hard, constant Halifax rain, the kind of rain that makes you wish you were inside, but warm spring making the trees fill out green again, it can be green again, rain. There was a couple sitting near me, arguing in Russian, and I couldn't understand what they were saying, not word-for-word, but I knew the argument too well, I could feel it, the I needed you, I had things that had to get done, but I needed you argument. I was thinking about a lot of things. I was thinking that I remembered that time that we sat in the pit and the music was so loud that you had to lean in to tell me, and I will remember as long as I live how you were close enough for me to feel your eyelashes on my cheek. I was thinking of the time a summer later that you and I sat cross-legged on the bricks and listened to the old man with the accordion play as everyone passed by, how even then I loved you for listening. I was thinking of the two of us playing hacky-sack in the narrow sidewalk beside the garage, getting the hacky-sack stuck in the sign and you asked strangers to help us get it down and I wished I could be as brave as you. I was thinking of the homeless man I passed earlier today, how when I gave him a dollar I felt his hand touch mine and I realized he has been the only person I touched today. I was surprised how smooth it was, how soft. I was thinking how I would give anything for you to be sitting at this table with me, how there is this aching inside of me, and it aches not only for you, but for all of them, for what I have lost, for what I was lucky enough to have, if never long enough. I was thinking of the part of me that I must learn can be alone. I was thinking how much I wanted that couple to stop arguing, for him to take her in his arms and finally tell her how much she means to him, how much he loves her, for them to realize how lucky they are to be together here, how lucky they are just to touch.