When Even I Had That Moment
This topic, I've been thinking about it for sometime. I never wrote it before in my journal cause I don't care, wanna forget or something like that but lately I was thinking about it from time to time and thought I'll just let it out. And since it's a female topic post, there will be some points where it comes to emotions. I hate Drama Queen, and I'll do my best to aviod writing in such way, but even though some things will be mentioned naturally and might sound like those girly thingies. So, I'm just letting you know from now on that if you dislike such talk, please feel free to ignore this post. I'm just clearing my thoughts here.
Growing up, I always had this gloomy idea about guys that they are (monsters). My father was the main reason that led me to this. He abused us a lot, mentally and physically. I thought everybody else is like him. Of course, the whole world couldn't be judged on one person but he and my uncles were the only men I knew since childhood and they weren't any nicer. I went to a girls-only school so I don't have much experience with boys, that is until I got a job.
There I understood that not everybody is the same. Even though most, and I mean MOST, of the men I knew later in my life were rotten eggs, there are other kinds. I just found way too many bad people that emphasised the monstrosity image in my head more and more. And that with my father doings made me so caution, I don't wanna end up like those girls when they opened up for them then become sorry.
I'm a nerd girl. Glasses, pony tail, reading, talking scientific stuff, math and blah blah blah. Bottom line, I'm boaring and there's not much chance a guy would fall in love with me. I thought of it as a way to turn them off me. Plus, I myself wasn't much into boys. I always had more time for myself and doing what I love. Single till now and never thought I'll fall for a guy cause I don't know, I thought it was not for me, it will never happen with me. People say love but in reality they look out for appearance, beauty and social status. It reminds me pretty much with a movie where a guy has a crush on a girl but she doesn't know. One day he was hinting her & saying if she ever wanted a guy, people will stand lines at her door cause she's pretty and rich while if it were him no one will show up cause he's a nerd and people look out for what's it like from the outside than the inside. The girl disagreed strongly so he bets her that if she goes out in the street looking like a homeless lady with no make up and wore old cloths then get a guy's number he'll take away what he said. She was so upset when she realized what he said was true. That was a long talk but that what really happens in the real world. Of course not every single case but most of them. So me being a brainy girl, love doesn't seem to be my subject.
Then it all started with the new year of 2013, how I decided to change myself & given extra task at work by my boss. I was so tired with myself and decided to change & embrace my femininity. I mean, why not. I can be nerdy and girly in the same time. Not for the looks but for myself. I changed, everbody notieced that. New shoes, cloths, checking my hair literally every hour or so. I used to go to the rest room A LOT till one of them thought something was up. Even my way of talking changed, think I sounded like a spoild girl or something! LOL! Not like me at all. I overdid it a bit.
That was the change part, the extra given task is where I met Ayman. Yes! Ayman! That's his name. I'm not gonna refer to him with a letter cause I know neither my friends at facebook nor my sisters will read this. Heck! I'm 100% sure that Ayman himself won't read it! I didn't want to take the extra work but I had to, I kept a positive attitude and did it anyway. When I met him first time he was so formal. He was in the ER section and I'm in the claims section. I work with his supervisor and he was always there. When I used to go to take bills or anything we get into chats then Ayman tags a long. At first when it was all okay but then all of a sudden after few talks I started to get nervous whenever I see him. I didn't want to see him there, avoid eye contact, fast heart beat and even started to stutter if ever he looks my way and talk. Once, twice, 10 times then I needed to look up for it. I did a little google search to know I have a crush! This is not happening! Not with me! Why would I love someone?! I'm a nerd! And since when did I know anything about love! These were the thoughts that came to my mind that time. I never got truly why I fall for him, or rather had a crush on him.
It was not good, cause whenever I'm working I used to think about him, when I go there I see him I forget what I was about to say, get nervous. All these were distractions & and I wasn't sure how to deal with it. What annoyed me more is reading the stories of those who have crushes suffer a lot cause he/she doesn't know about you or your feeling. Great! Just want I needed that time! Like I can't even talk about it with anyone, just because. I had to maintain my strong self & personality. Before this, I used to say that those who fall in love are weak and whatnot, it's not me who will be doing as a guy wants and now I knew what's it like to have heart for some one. I struggled trying to figure it out by myself. That year I was completely offline, no facebook, no livejournal, no twitter, no chat, no anything cause it was all part of the new life I was living so I couldn't write about it here that time. Even my sisters weren't much of a help, I rahter be sucked into the ground than telling them. When they saw me one day with a blue face and asked me what's wrong I was joking and saying maybe it's love! They bursted in laugh saying where does a nerd girl like me know anything about love?! & since when did you love anything beside math! ? Yeah! Not good!
I had to work it out, hold myself together and stop being nervous. There were times where I had to directly work with him, when his supervisor was on vaccation Ayman was the one who helped me out even though it wasn't his job but he said he'll do it for me. Whenever I'm up he'll start talking long stuff and I'll be there for nearly an hour and everytime I give him something he'll put it aside then start a chat. And that deepen the feeling even more, I tried avoiding it or understand why it was happening that time but I didn't succeed cause I know for sure that no way I'll make any progress in this and when it's time to slipt away it will hurt me a lot which excatly did happen when I had to leave the work. I was totally borken to pieces and I didn't even tell him what I feel toward him. I don't have the guts, I can fight with people when it's about my right, when I'm in a job interview but to tell someone how I feel ----> big chicken *coward*
So now it's all over, the meeting with him and avioding eye contacts or talking with him for a long time and forget what I was doing but my in mind the memories still float. And even though it's embarrassing for me to say this but sometimes I really do miss him. I never understood how can someone like be who never had interest in boys just have a crush like that & we're not even the same, he's something and I'm something else, not a single common thing we share yet I fall for him. Guess that's what love is/does.
Note: Man! This was harder than I thought and took a long time writing out my thoughts and the way to describe my feelings.