The ebbs and flows of it all
Here I have sat for an hour and half with no students. I have watched many trailers of up coming films and have picked some that I hope die a quick death and those I am quite interested to see (those of interest include: Food, Inc., It's gonna get loud, and 9). I can't help but wonder at these moments what the fuck I'm doing with my life. We all go through it from time to time but I really and truly am at a loss for where to go from here.
I see pictures of peers with kids, I see wedding photos, I hear about perfect couples splitting and I find myself more confused and scared about that part of my future than I ever have been before. Perhaps now truly is the time to focus on a career and go back to school but at the same time I have NO IDEA what it is I want to go back for. The only things I do know are; 1. I am an excellent teacher when given students who care (or at least the majority do) and a school that appreciates me and pays me for my abilities, 2. I can become incredibly depressed and take it way too personally when I am unable to motivate students to attend my class and/or fully apply themselves to my lesson plans, 3. I am an incredibly observant individual who figures shit out way before other people do but usually assumes people have already figured it out, 4. I hate pretentious academia types and the ageism that persists throughout the education field, and 5. I have a strong feeling that I will never be content with my career until I have reached a position of high respect and compensation - still thinking of a PhD but really only for the title - and I am shocked by this deep seated need for status that seems to always keep me unhappy with where I am at.
So at present I lay floundering in puddles, sustaining myself here and there. Finding from time to time a deep puddle to swim about in but I remain constantly fearful of the sun drying up what little water I have. The odd part of this analogy is that I see the lake from my window each morning. I see the blue sliver of it on the horizon. It is a constant reminder of where I want to be.
I see people who seem to have it all together and I am shocked and bitterly jealous. I see people take vacations and trips and wonder how on earth they can afford such luxuries. I wonder how someone as smart as myself could be in so much debt right now. I wonder if working as hard as I have for as long as I have has been worth it at all.
I know that my current living situation is only adding to this feeling of being lost as well as the bleeding of my money - I never want to be at home really - but I hate making excuses.
I just hope that I can get in a better mood for when Kumi and Miki come next week but the fact that they have to stay in a hotel for 2 nights that I cannot afford to pay for, and also the fact that it will be exceedingly hard for me to try and pay for at least one dinner out (as well as the wonder if I truly can afford it) makes me nervous.
Ugh. Where is GLeeMONEX when you need it!?!? 72 degrees in your head, every livin' day!
I see pictures of peers with kids, I see wedding photos, I hear about perfect couples splitting and I find myself more confused and scared about that part of my future than I ever have been before. Perhaps now truly is the time to focus on a career and go back to school but at the same time I have NO IDEA what it is I want to go back for. The only things I do know are; 1. I am an excellent teacher when given students who care (or at least the majority do) and a school that appreciates me and pays me for my abilities, 2. I can become incredibly depressed and take it way too personally when I am unable to motivate students to attend my class and/or fully apply themselves to my lesson plans, 3. I am an incredibly observant individual who figures shit out way before other people do but usually assumes people have already figured it out, 4. I hate pretentious academia types and the ageism that persists throughout the education field, and 5. I have a strong feeling that I will never be content with my career until I have reached a position of high respect and compensation - still thinking of a PhD but really only for the title - and I am shocked by this deep seated need for status that seems to always keep me unhappy with where I am at.
So at present I lay floundering in puddles, sustaining myself here and there. Finding from time to time a deep puddle to swim about in but I remain constantly fearful of the sun drying up what little water I have. The odd part of this analogy is that I see the lake from my window each morning. I see the blue sliver of it on the horizon. It is a constant reminder of where I want to be.
I see people who seem to have it all together and I am shocked and bitterly jealous. I see people take vacations and trips and wonder how on earth they can afford such luxuries. I wonder how someone as smart as myself could be in so much debt right now. I wonder if working as hard as I have for as long as I have has been worth it at all.
I know that my current living situation is only adding to this feeling of being lost as well as the bleeding of my money - I never want to be at home really - but I hate making excuses.
I just hope that I can get in a better mood for when Kumi and Miki come next week but the fact that they have to stay in a hotel for 2 nights that I cannot afford to pay for, and also the fact that it will be exceedingly hard for me to try and pay for at least one dinner out (as well as the wonder if I truly can afford it) makes me nervous.
Ugh. Where is GLeeMONEX when you need it!?!? 72 degrees in your head, every livin' day!