Maybe I should try to make a come back?
When I should have been doing other things I instead have been reading past entries of mine on LJ and realized that it's fascinating to read them. Then I realize that lately - actually since coming back from Japan - I hardly write anything here anymore. I have a feeling it has something to do with the fact that I feel my life is not at all glamorous or interesting now that I am stateside and figure no one wants to read this babble. But in my past entries I had no readers and was only really writing for myself and it was so great to read about the boring day to day crap that happened to me and how I dealt with it. Crazy crap still happens to me all the time but I don't write it down and now I've forgotten. I don't want to forget.
Currently my parents have put the house up for sale. I still live here. I used to be kind of ashamed of this but now that the option of living at home is coming to an end I don't feel that way any more. The whole chance of foreclosure thing is scary and not really all that great for my parents financially; however, I think that we all really need a change. Life is about movement and change and our family is just so comfortable with each other that if we weren't forced to move we might never change. So I think about all the people I know who tell me they could never live with their family - now they love their family but they feel they could never live with them again. For me and my brothers I feel there are times when there is no one else we'd rather be with than our family. I truly enjoy being around them and living with them. My parents are not going to live forever (especially if they don't stop smoking) and since I moved out at 18 and didn't return (not even for a summer) until I was 26 means I was away for quite a long time. These past 3 years have a kind of gift for me. I've been able to be with my mom and dad as an adult without all the teenage drama and just enjoy being here.
Yes my mom makes me more self-conscious than I am when I'm away from her, and yes my dad makes me crazy with money issues - no one's family is perfect - but in the end I know that when I'm in my 50's I'll look back on this as the amazing chance it was for me to just BE with my family as an adult and see how great we are all as humans. It's nice to feel that even if these people weren't related to me I'd choose them to be a part of my life.
So with the moving comes massive cleaning. And when I say massive I really mean overwhelming. Ever see that show on TLC called Clean House? If so it's like that only the main living areas of the house are fine, it's just every closet, dresser, under bed, basement, attic room, and garage is floor to ceiling full of stuff. Going though it all is giving me the closest thing to an anxiety attack that I've come to in years. In fact I'm pretty sure before it is all said and done I will break down, which might be good since I've started smoking here and there again to try and cope with the stress of it all. The stress is not just from all the cleaning and getting rid of stuff. To be honest the getting rid of stuff has been awesome for me and I just want to get rid of more and more and more (I need to learn how to use Ebay). The main part of my stress is coming from the fact the my life has to change and I don't know exactly how I want my life to change - and I can't really plan anything at the present!
My parents don't know if they'll be able to sell the house at all. We're in Michigan and have become victims of the whole mortgage crisis. So if we don't sell the house in 3 months (which would be November something) then they would approach the mortgage company asking for a deed in lieu which would mean they'd give them the keys to the house and say we're even. If the mortgage company refuses then they would go into foreclosure. Selling the house is the best option of course (but they'd have to sell it for way below value and thus for less than what they owe) next the deed in lieu and both of those would mean we should be out of this house before Christmas. However, if we go into foreclosure then we get to live in this house for free for like 10 months. This means that until one of those three things happen I can't really make a decision of what to do.
Why not just get the hell out now you ask? Well that is a good question but there are a few extenuating circumstances.
1. My mom has already gotten a job in Traverse City (where they want to move to) and is living in a friend's cottage and working up there. The job is amazing and they treat her wonderfully so it is worth it but that means that my dad is alone down here with us. My dad is an emotional person and when he is away from my mom he gets VERY depressed. Along with the house issues and money issues this is a dangerous combo and considering he's thought of suicide in the past I don't feel I can just leave him here. I love my brothers but they are not ones that can really take care of themselves let alone my father. Some might say it's not my responsibility and I know it is not but my heart tells me that I cannot just abandon him here. Plus he's given me a cheap place to live for 3 years so that I could buy a car and pay off other debt so I feel like I owe him.
2. I have no desire to continue to live in Michigan and work at my current job if I won't be with my family. There is nothing really here that is worth staying for in my opinion. My job is only rewarding when I am working with my students. The people I work for are crazy and I have recently come to realize that the relationship I have with them is horribly abusive. They treat me like crap and even yell at me and then turn around and do something so nice I think I ought to give them a second chance and then the cycle repeats. I can't believe it took me this long to figure it all out. So if moving from this house doesn't mean living in an apartment with my dad until he finds a job up north (he doesn't want to quit the job he has now until he's got something set up there) then there is no way I am going to sign a lease and have to stay in Michigan for a year.
3. I have no money. This is of course my own doing. I have put all my finances into paying off debt and buying my car. Every time I save some money something comes up and it gets entirely spent. This mean if I had to move tomorrow I have no idea what I'd do. This is what scares me more than anything.
4. I am scared that don't have enough training to get a job anywhere doing what I am doing now making the kind of money I am making now (which is not a lot to begin with). Now I have not looked around a lot but at the same time it's hard to look around when you don't know when you'll be needing a job or able to move.
5. I want to go back to school but I am also scared of getting back into debt when I am so close to getting out of it. I know that I want a masters not only for the clout of it but also for the opportunities it would give me and the fact that I love learning. I want to be able to do this in a big city and not go horribly into debt but I don't know how to do it and I feel like I don't have the energy to find out how.
So with all that racing round my brain 24 hours a day I have gone back to poor sleeping and eating habits as well as smoking from time to time. I can't blame myself for this regression but at the same time I really cannot afford to get into a funk and make myself feel like crap right now.
*sigh*
I just want to be in Chicago, going to school, making ends meet with no trouble, and living a new life NOW - I hate this limbo.
Currently my parents have put the house up for sale. I still live here. I used to be kind of ashamed of this but now that the option of living at home is coming to an end I don't feel that way any more. The whole chance of foreclosure thing is scary and not really all that great for my parents financially; however, I think that we all really need a change. Life is about movement and change and our family is just so comfortable with each other that if we weren't forced to move we might never change. So I think about all the people I know who tell me they could never live with their family - now they love their family but they feel they could never live with them again. For me and my brothers I feel there are times when there is no one else we'd rather be with than our family. I truly enjoy being around them and living with them. My parents are not going to live forever (especially if they don't stop smoking) and since I moved out at 18 and didn't return (not even for a summer) until I was 26 means I was away for quite a long time. These past 3 years have a kind of gift for me. I've been able to be with my mom and dad as an adult without all the teenage drama and just enjoy being here.
Yes my mom makes me more self-conscious than I am when I'm away from her, and yes my dad makes me crazy with money issues - no one's family is perfect - but in the end I know that when I'm in my 50's I'll look back on this as the amazing chance it was for me to just BE with my family as an adult and see how great we are all as humans. It's nice to feel that even if these people weren't related to me I'd choose them to be a part of my life.
So with the moving comes massive cleaning. And when I say massive I really mean overwhelming. Ever see that show on TLC called Clean House? If so it's like that only the main living areas of the house are fine, it's just every closet, dresser, under bed, basement, attic room, and garage is floor to ceiling full of stuff. Going though it all is giving me the closest thing to an anxiety attack that I've come to in years. In fact I'm pretty sure before it is all said and done I will break down, which might be good since I've started smoking here and there again to try and cope with the stress of it all. The stress is not just from all the cleaning and getting rid of stuff. To be honest the getting rid of stuff has been awesome for me and I just want to get rid of more and more and more (I need to learn how to use Ebay). The main part of my stress is coming from the fact the my life has to change and I don't know exactly how I want my life to change - and I can't really plan anything at the present!
My parents don't know if they'll be able to sell the house at all. We're in Michigan and have become victims of the whole mortgage crisis. So if we don't sell the house in 3 months (which would be November something) then they would approach the mortgage company asking for a deed in lieu which would mean they'd give them the keys to the house and say we're even. If the mortgage company refuses then they would go into foreclosure. Selling the house is the best option of course (but they'd have to sell it for way below value and thus for less than what they owe) next the deed in lieu and both of those would mean we should be out of this house before Christmas. However, if we go into foreclosure then we get to live in this house for free for like 10 months. This means that until one of those three things happen I can't really make a decision of what to do.
Why not just get the hell out now you ask? Well that is a good question but there are a few extenuating circumstances.
1. My mom has already gotten a job in Traverse City (where they want to move to) and is living in a friend's cottage and working up there. The job is amazing and they treat her wonderfully so it is worth it but that means that my dad is alone down here with us. My dad is an emotional person and when he is away from my mom he gets VERY depressed. Along with the house issues and money issues this is a dangerous combo and considering he's thought of suicide in the past I don't feel I can just leave him here. I love my brothers but they are not ones that can really take care of themselves let alone my father. Some might say it's not my responsibility and I know it is not but my heart tells me that I cannot just abandon him here. Plus he's given me a cheap place to live for 3 years so that I could buy a car and pay off other debt so I feel like I owe him.
2. I have no desire to continue to live in Michigan and work at my current job if I won't be with my family. There is nothing really here that is worth staying for in my opinion. My job is only rewarding when I am working with my students. The people I work for are crazy and I have recently come to realize that the relationship I have with them is horribly abusive. They treat me like crap and even yell at me and then turn around and do something so nice I think I ought to give them a second chance and then the cycle repeats. I can't believe it took me this long to figure it all out. So if moving from this house doesn't mean living in an apartment with my dad until he finds a job up north (he doesn't want to quit the job he has now until he's got something set up there) then there is no way I am going to sign a lease and have to stay in Michigan for a year.
3. I have no money. This is of course my own doing. I have put all my finances into paying off debt and buying my car. Every time I save some money something comes up and it gets entirely spent. This mean if I had to move tomorrow I have no idea what I'd do. This is what scares me more than anything.
4. I am scared that don't have enough training to get a job anywhere doing what I am doing now making the kind of money I am making now (which is not a lot to begin with). Now I have not looked around a lot but at the same time it's hard to look around when you don't know when you'll be needing a job or able to move.
5. I want to go back to school but I am also scared of getting back into debt when I am so close to getting out of it. I know that I want a masters not only for the clout of it but also for the opportunities it would give me and the fact that I love learning. I want to be able to do this in a big city and not go horribly into debt but I don't know how to do it and I feel like I don't have the energy to find out how.
So with all that racing round my brain 24 hours a day I have gone back to poor sleeping and eating habits as well as smoking from time to time. I can't blame myself for this regression but at the same time I really cannot afford to get into a funk and make myself feel like crap right now.
*sigh*
I just want to be in Chicago, going to school, making ends meet with no trouble, and living a new life NOW - I hate this limbo.