(no subject)
I posted the last two chapters of The Next Level (my Yuri on Ice 300K fanfic), as well as the unfinished epilogue as a bonus, a few minutes ago. I've known for a while that I've lost interest in writing fanfic - which is fine! Everyone has phases - but it's only in the last few weeks that I've realized that I've also lost interest in participating in fandom as a whole.
Maybe this was evident to everyone but me. I haven't written anything new in years. I don't comment anymore. I don't participate in group chats or reblog art or attend conventions or any of the things I used to do to remain in the community.
A lot of that is because (a) I was overseas, and being an ocean away and in a completely different time zone as anyone else is really prohibitive. I did try to stay in the groups - but every time I logged into a chat room, no one was around. Every time I posted, it was hours before I could hope to receive a reply. The internet might make the world smaller, but it also has the power to prove to you just how far away you really are. After all, when a letter takes weeks to arrive, that isn't seen as unusual: but when it takes a full day before anyone sees your Twitter post, it can be horrifically demoralizing (and because of Twitter's set-up of only showing popular posts, risks no one ever seeing it at all).
And (b), Tumblr imploding. Because I did choose to leave it, though I know not everyone did. And as a result, I left my main source of fandom news, communication, gossip, and everything. It's so much harder to see any of that on Twitter or PF. (Or it is for me.) So without that influx of information and community... I became even more cut off. Less invested. Less involved.
(There's probably a (c). I don't know what it is. Mid-life crisis? I'm about the right age, but there's a certain lack of red sports car and hot young boyfriend. I don't regret those absences, btw, I'm good with the husband and the silver Mom-car.)
So I posted the last two chapters, because they are written, and I feel bad not posting them. I've posted them, and the unfinished epilogue, and I've marked the story and the series as complete, and I'm sad about that. In my head, I've got it all worked up as a "farewell to fandom."
Especially since I very, very rarely interact with anyone as "azriona" anymore. And I don't know how to interact with anyone as Pen, who seems to have more of an online presence. I have never figured out how to merge the two. Mazarin221b, at least, did a clever thing in altering her fandom name to be part of her more public name. (Perhaps it's part of her RL name, I have no idea as I don't know her in RL.) She can be both, very easily: whereas I decided to put a clear line between the two.
I regret that, in a lot of ways. I hate that I feel so disconnected from a community I loved, which was for a very long time one of my few constants in a life where the characters and scenery were constantly changing. But I don't know how to fix it. I don't know that I want to combine Sharon and Pen - but I'd at least like to combine Pen and azriona. But azriona is also Sharon. So where would the new line be?
If I'm not in fandom... who am I when I'm online, exactly? I guess I'm Pen... but who's Pen? And how do I be her? No idea. Probably one of the reasons I wish she were me, or at least the online me I know how to be.
A clever me would make an effort to post here more frequently. And maybe blog my way through trying to figure out where to go next. That's where I started, isn't it? Back on LJ. Isn't that what you're supposed to do, when you find yourself stuck - go back to the beginning, and try again?
Cross-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment in either location.
Maybe this was evident to everyone but me. I haven't written anything new in years. I don't comment anymore. I don't participate in group chats or reblog art or attend conventions or any of the things I used to do to remain in the community.
A lot of that is because (a) I was overseas, and being an ocean away and in a completely different time zone as anyone else is really prohibitive. I did try to stay in the groups - but every time I logged into a chat room, no one was around. Every time I posted, it was hours before I could hope to receive a reply. The internet might make the world smaller, but it also has the power to prove to you just how far away you really are. After all, when a letter takes weeks to arrive, that isn't seen as unusual: but when it takes a full day before anyone sees your Twitter post, it can be horrifically demoralizing (and because of Twitter's set-up of only showing popular posts, risks no one ever seeing it at all).
And (b), Tumblr imploding. Because I did choose to leave it, though I know not everyone did. And as a result, I left my main source of fandom news, communication, gossip, and everything. It's so much harder to see any of that on Twitter or PF. (Or it is for me.) So without that influx of information and community... I became even more cut off. Less invested. Less involved.
(There's probably a (c). I don't know what it is. Mid-life crisis? I'm about the right age, but there's a certain lack of red sports car and hot young boyfriend. I don't regret those absences, btw, I'm good with the husband and the silver Mom-car.)
So I posted the last two chapters, because they are written, and I feel bad not posting them. I've posted them, and the unfinished epilogue, and I've marked the story and the series as complete, and I'm sad about that. In my head, I've got it all worked up as a "farewell to fandom."
Especially since I very, very rarely interact with anyone as "azriona" anymore. And I don't know how to interact with anyone as Pen, who seems to have more of an online presence. I have never figured out how to merge the two. Mazarin221b, at least, did a clever thing in altering her fandom name to be part of her more public name. (Perhaps it's part of her RL name, I have no idea as I don't know her in RL.) She can be both, very easily: whereas I decided to put a clear line between the two.
I regret that, in a lot of ways. I hate that I feel so disconnected from a community I loved, which was for a very long time one of my few constants in a life where the characters and scenery were constantly changing. But I don't know how to fix it. I don't know that I want to combine Sharon and Pen - but I'd at least like to combine Pen and azriona. But azriona is also Sharon. So where would the new line be?
If I'm not in fandom... who am I when I'm online, exactly? I guess I'm Pen... but who's Pen? And how do I be her? No idea. Probably one of the reasons I wish she were me, or at least the online me I know how to be.
A clever me would make an effort to post here more frequently. And maybe blog my way through trying to figure out where to go next. That's where I started, isn't it? Back on LJ. Isn't that what you're supposed to do, when you find yourself stuck - go back to the beginning, and try again?
Cross-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment in either location.