Today on the Bitter Fanboy: BlazBlue!
Seeing as how my journal has become a haven for venting and posting emo things, spattered with the blood of my sadness drawn with a ceremonial dagger used by the coven of Twilight Eternus, Round Rock branch (yes, it is made up of tweens who are Twilight fans)...I began to think...how can I turn my journal from that into something written by someone who believes everyone should listen to him because he is, in fact, a genius?
Use it to review video games!
I've finally discovered the source of my frustration, and now that I know it...yet can't do anything about it yet, I'm going to go ahead and turn this "blog" into something more interesting. (In theory)
First, I will perform a completely un-biased review of the game based solely on it's merits, as if I were a person completely new to this game and unaware of the industry itself.
BlazBlue is a beautiful, well polished fighter. Though the mechanics are a bit manic and difficult to master, it provides a fun experience for your game gatherings, though can grow a bit tired over time to someone playing on their own. Though, to remedy such a thing it does provide an online mode, which I usually tend to avoid due to online-play fighters being nearly pure masturbation. (NO! NO! BAD! UN-BIASED!) The graphics have been polished to a near mirror shine, all of the sprites looking splendid in their "classic" style...by "classic" I mean sprites that don't use the popular "almost 3-D" animation styles.
The character list is somewhat small, which is both a good and bad thing depending on how you look at it. It provides you less to choose from, yet little variety. I could have SWORN there were more characters in the arcade version, but then again I haven't been to Arcade UFO in an age.
BlazBlue's multitude of different play modes and mildly entertaining story mode will keep you entertained enough...though the lack of much to unlock leads you to ask the question "why bother?" As with most fighting games, this is a game best saved for large groups of friends. And if you have no friends, there is always online masturbation.
I feel dirty. So now, here comes my completely biased review. Guilty Gear fans may want to look away.
Ah, BlazBlue. In essence, it is Guilty Gear XX 5.3385472. Rather, as I've come to call it, Guilty Gear: Oh God please stop.
Guilty Gear has had a...well...the adjective escapes me to describe it's jaunt through the video game world. It's manic, overpowered play style and ambiguous story have charmed a veritable hoard of frothing fanboys and fangirls, latched to the drying teat of the fandom so fervently it's near impossible to remove their vice-like, toothy grip from the sore, throbbing, over worked nipple.
As the Guilty Gear franchise has worn on, it has provided us with an underground fandom, characters that suit foaming at the mouth otaku of ALL walks of life (From the weaboo who wishes to look as cool as a Japanese kid in Akihabara, to the squealing fangirl, even reaching out to the mediocre and bad roleplayers). The franchise has provided release after release of nearly the same game, tweaking minor mechanics ever so slighty to the point where only the most astute elitist would ever give a SHIT about what was done. No new story, barely ever new characters, and incresingly over-powered mechanics that belay only a starving infant attemping to crawl it's way up a mountain, dying of a need for change.
BlazBlue seems to have attempted to provide that change...not with a well thought out addition to their already tired universe, but rather by re-painting it in a light that really gives the feel of the team having gotten fed-up with this dried up mid-wife.
I tend to refer to fighting games with unbalanced or unreal mechanics as "joke fighters." Fighting games that, while fun to play, are rather unbalanced and manic, either being frighteningly easy to play or frighteningly difficult.
BlazBlue, like Guilty Gear, falls somewhere in between, heading toward frighteningly difficult. The mechanics are insanely over-powered, appealing only to douchebags who wish to be like the awesome arcade players of Akihabara, spending months mastering ridiculously cheap combos, which at least one is provided to EACH character, to attain the satisfaction of winning in the cheapest way possible so they can go home victorious to their softly glowing computer screens, to fap furiously to lolita hentai and cry themselves to sleep....ALONE.
Most of the characters are faintly ripped-off from the Guilty Gear franchise, such as Jin Kisaragi (the Ky Kiske of BlazBlue) and Ragna the Bloodedge (the Sol Badguy, which sounds like the kind of name a horrible, 12 year old roleplayer would choose for his character), all the way to Iron Tager...who looks as if they took Beast from X-Men, Potemkin from Guilty Gear, and Hellboy, threw them all into a gigantic blender and fitted his fists with NUCLEAR MISSILES.
There is nothing (that I've seen) to unlock, so going through the story modes that seem to have been written by horrible fanfiction writers, or any of the other play modes will illicit a feeling of "why should I give a shit?"
I will own...the voice acting is actually GOOD. I'm surprised they could get through the horrible writing without a sarcastic tone to their voices, however. I think Steve Blum plays about 3 different characters.
So, bottom line is...BlazBlue provides some mild amusement to play, provided you aren't playing against the saddest of weaboos.
Oh, and I nearly forgot. BlazBlue comes with a BLUUUUUUU-RAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY DVD explaining play mechanics, all of the narrators sounding as if they were sold into slave-labor to do the job...providing you with the means to become the cheapest son of a bitch within your circle of gaming friends...assuming you have some.
The DVD is a seriously stupid addition...adding a small art book (like most games with some sort of physical add-on tend to do) would have been a better idea, however the DVD does provide a fun drinking game, which goes as such. Any time the narrator says the word "punish," take a shot of hard alcohol, preferably something painful to ingest to remind you of the DISGUSTING FOLLY OF WATCHING THIS DVD IN THE FIRST PLACE!
Face it, Guilty Gear. You tried, but you will never be as cool as The Last Blade.
Next time, Ghostbusters! ....maybe...if I finally get around to beating it.
Use it to review video games!
I've finally discovered the source of my frustration, and now that I know it...yet can't do anything about it yet, I'm going to go ahead and turn this "blog" into something more interesting. (In theory)
First, I will perform a completely un-biased review of the game based solely on it's merits, as if I were a person completely new to this game and unaware of the industry itself.
BlazBlue is a beautiful, well polished fighter. Though the mechanics are a bit manic and difficult to master, it provides a fun experience for your game gatherings, though can grow a bit tired over time to someone playing on their own. Though, to remedy such a thing it does provide an online mode, which I usually tend to avoid due to online-play fighters being nearly pure masturbation. (NO! NO! BAD! UN-BIASED!) The graphics have been polished to a near mirror shine, all of the sprites looking splendid in their "classic" style...by "classic" I mean sprites that don't use the popular "almost 3-D" animation styles.
The character list is somewhat small, which is both a good and bad thing depending on how you look at it. It provides you less to choose from, yet little variety. I could have SWORN there were more characters in the arcade version, but then again I haven't been to Arcade UFO in an age.
BlazBlue's multitude of different play modes and mildly entertaining story mode will keep you entertained enough...though the lack of much to unlock leads you to ask the question "why bother?" As with most fighting games, this is a game best saved for large groups of friends. And if you have no friends, there is always online masturbation.
I feel dirty. So now, here comes my completely biased review. Guilty Gear fans may want to look away.
Ah, BlazBlue. In essence, it is Guilty Gear XX 5.3385472. Rather, as I've come to call it, Guilty Gear: Oh God please stop.
Guilty Gear has had a...well...the adjective escapes me to describe it's jaunt through the video game world. It's manic, overpowered play style and ambiguous story have charmed a veritable hoard of frothing fanboys and fangirls, latched to the drying teat of the fandom so fervently it's near impossible to remove their vice-like, toothy grip from the sore, throbbing, over worked nipple.
As the Guilty Gear franchise has worn on, it has provided us with an underground fandom, characters that suit foaming at the mouth otaku of ALL walks of life (From the weaboo who wishes to look as cool as a Japanese kid in Akihabara, to the squealing fangirl, even reaching out to the mediocre and bad roleplayers). The franchise has provided release after release of nearly the same game, tweaking minor mechanics ever so slighty to the point where only the most astute elitist would ever give a SHIT about what was done. No new story, barely ever new characters, and incresingly over-powered mechanics that belay only a starving infant attemping to crawl it's way up a mountain, dying of a need for change.
BlazBlue seems to have attempted to provide that change...not with a well thought out addition to their already tired universe, but rather by re-painting it in a light that really gives the feel of the team having gotten fed-up with this dried up mid-wife.
I tend to refer to fighting games with unbalanced or unreal mechanics as "joke fighters." Fighting games that, while fun to play, are rather unbalanced and manic, either being frighteningly easy to play or frighteningly difficult.
BlazBlue, like Guilty Gear, falls somewhere in between, heading toward frighteningly difficult. The mechanics are insanely over-powered, appealing only to douchebags who wish to be like the awesome arcade players of Akihabara, spending months mastering ridiculously cheap combos, which at least one is provided to EACH character, to attain the satisfaction of winning in the cheapest way possible so they can go home victorious to their softly glowing computer screens, to fap furiously to lolita hentai and cry themselves to sleep....ALONE.
Most of the characters are faintly ripped-off from the Guilty Gear franchise, such as Jin Kisaragi (the Ky Kiske of BlazBlue) and Ragna the Bloodedge (the Sol Badguy, which sounds like the kind of name a horrible, 12 year old roleplayer would choose for his character), all the way to Iron Tager...who looks as if they took Beast from X-Men, Potemkin from Guilty Gear, and Hellboy, threw them all into a gigantic blender and fitted his fists with NUCLEAR MISSILES.
There is nothing (that I've seen) to unlock, so going through the story modes that seem to have been written by horrible fanfiction writers, or any of the other play modes will illicit a feeling of "why should I give a shit?"
I will own...the voice acting is actually GOOD. I'm surprised they could get through the horrible writing without a sarcastic tone to their voices, however. I think Steve Blum plays about 3 different characters.
So, bottom line is...BlazBlue provides some mild amusement to play, provided you aren't playing against the saddest of weaboos.
Oh, and I nearly forgot. BlazBlue comes with a BLUUUUUUU-RAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY DVD explaining play mechanics, all of the narrators sounding as if they were sold into slave-labor to do the job...providing you with the means to become the cheapest son of a bitch within your circle of gaming friends...assuming you have some.
The DVD is a seriously stupid addition...adding a small art book (like most games with some sort of physical add-on tend to do) would have been a better idea, however the DVD does provide a fun drinking game, which goes as such. Any time the narrator says the word "punish," take a shot of hard alcohol, preferably something painful to ingest to remind you of the DISGUSTING FOLLY OF WATCHING THIS DVD IN THE FIRST PLACE!
Face it, Guilty Gear. You tried, but you will never be as cool as The Last Blade.
Next time, Ghostbusters! ....maybe...if I finally get around to beating it.