How Bartz Met Boko Part II

Jun 03, 2013 18:56

Azra: And we're back! When we last left off, Bartz had just finished rescuing a lost chocobo egg after a chance encounter with Gilgamesh, who shouldn't have been there, and was nursing his wounds. Will the egg hatch soon? Will Bartz find out about being poisoned? Will the tense finally become consistent?

Part 1, if you missed it

During the course of the night,

Azra: -the author forgot to start a new paragraph or make any effort to indicate a scene break.

a storm blows through the plains.

Azra: It was there because of Thor, who had just been banished from Asgard.

The tent was heavily anchored to the ground as the light winds blew the rain. Bartz was awoken by the thunder, but he didn't panic.

"Oh, boy...A storm is going on...

Azra: (Bartz) Yay, now I can practice for “Singin’ in the Rain!”

image Click to view



LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII III

Its going to be alright.." he said to the egg.

Azra: Right before the tent got hit by lightning.

Lightning: I needed something to take out my anger on, and it was in my way.

Azra: Wait, what? How’d you get in here-I hadn’t planned on using guest sporkers!

Lightning: Well, why shouldn’t I stay? I should know a thing or two about bad writing-consider my own game.

Azra: You have a point… Maybe for a little while.

He brings out a music box his father had given him before he died. Bartz opened it and immediately began to play a sweet melody that was familiar to him.

Azra: It was “The Evil Lord Exdeath.”

Lightning: I say it was “Golbez, Clad in the Darkness.”

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He went back to sleep with the melody playing. The next night was more peaceful than the first without the storm.

Azra: And the author once again didn’t bother with a new paragraph or scene break.

The third day came like the wind, hoping to bring a peaceful sanctum to the adventurer and the new chick he saved from Gilgamesh.

Lightning: It brought them the Sanctum of Cocoon, which had just fallen out of the sky.

Not wearing his typical shirt yet,

Azra: Helloooo fanservice *whistles*

Bartz examines the wound on his left shoulder.

Lightning: He noticed that it was a l’Cie brand. That chocobo father, he realized, was a fal’Cie in disguise, and raising the baby chick was now his Focus.

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"Gah...It still hurts, but otherwise healing nicely...I hope," he said to himself. He changes the bandage and just when he was about to retrieve his shirt,

Azra: It was gone-it had been stolen and sold on the black market to horny fangirls when he wasn’t looking.

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the egg in the blanket began to wiggle.

Lightning: -seductively-

Azra: Stop that.

He freezes;

Azra: (Bartz) I WAS FROZEN TODAY!

image Click to view



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then went to it. 'Oh, my god...Is it hatching?' thought Bartz.

Azra: What god? Divine beings were never mentioned in Final Fantasy V. Author, not everyone uses the same epithets in every universe. I mean, I use “Primus” as an epithet in my speech constantly, but I don’t have my characters use it just because I do! It wouldn’t make sense for them to say it!

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The egg began to shake,

Lightning: -its booty-

Azra: *facepalms* Since when did you have a dirty mind?

Lightning: Hey, being constantly pissed off isn’t the only character trait I have.

Azra: Sure felt like it was in FFXIII-wait, no, not gonna go there. Back to the sporking, back to the sporking!

til a small, orangish beak pierces through the shell. The chick inside gave a high pitched chirp. A smile soon shows on Bartz's face as he watched the chick fight its way out of its shell-like prison.

Azra: Its prison was a shell!

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After a few minutes, the eggshell bursts into pieces, revealing the chick inside completely, alittle a little wet and moving frantically with wobbling movements as it continued to chirp.

Lightning: (Chocobo chick) Can I ride in your hair? I might turn into a beautiful maiden someday!

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"Hello...Hey. Did you come out alright?" said Bartz as he started to dry off the chick.

Azra: (Chocobo chick) You dropped me on my head; what do you think?

He examines the chick carefully to make sure it was alright. He also discovered something else:

Azra: There was a really long End User License Agreement in the shell, and he had to sign it before he could pick up the newborn chick.

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The chick is a 'he'. "Awww...Your You're a boy, huh?...

Lightning: The chick has a boy?

Azra: I suppose you could call Bartz “his” boy now, even though he’s a bit old to be a boy…

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Yep, you are. Its okay now...I'll go find some Gysahl Greens for you, okay? Chocobos love Gysahl Greens," said Bartz.

Azra: Allow me to express my enthrallment at being informed of such a vital detail.



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The chick continues to chirp. It began to open its eyes, viewing its new surroundings, including Bartz.

Lightning: It wondered if its mother had always been so funny looking.

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The adventurer gets his shirt on and starts to get up, but the chick wobbles to him, thinking he's its mother.

Azra: What else is it supposed to think?

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"Awww...To be honest here...I'm not really your mom, but I will, just to make sure your you're safe," said Bartz.

Azra: You’ll do what to make sure he’s safe?

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That’s ninety-five times this fic has switched tenses for no reason so far… The counter is close to breaking 100… How am I gonna stay sane? I need a drink…

Lightning: *checks script* No drinks. There’s still a ways to go, and we can’t have you passing out from intoxication before you finish!

Azra: Hm… what to do then… *glances at Lightning* You’ve been useful, you know. I guess I could use a couple more guest sporkers! *raises staff and snaps fingers, chanting a spell*

Krile: *appears in a cloud of smoke* Where am I?

Rydia: *tries to brush cloud of smoke away* I could ask the same question! And who are all you people?

Azra: *looks at the newcomers* Welcome to the sporking chamber, ladies. I’ve summoned you as backup to help me with this arduous task. *shows them to seats*

Rydia: I never thought a summoner could be summoned…

Krile: So what are we supposed to do here?

Lightning: *motions to fanfic on screen* Easy. We read this dreck, we make fun of it, and we occasionally yell at how bad it is.

Rydia: …I can barely read this rambling nonsense.

Krile: So what’s happened so far?

Azra: *takes a moment to recap the sporking so far so they can catch up*

The chick cuddled up to him like he was its mother.

Krile: Didn’t it say that the chick thinks Bartz is his mother already?

Lightning: This story repeats itself a lot for some reason.

Bartz knew he couldn't leave the chick all alone; then, an idea surfaces.

Lightning: He could ride it!

Rydia: Or summon it.

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Bartz uses the extra blanket as a homemade pouch and carried the chick with him to gather Gysahl Greens for it to eat.

Azra: WE ALREADY KNOW WHERE YOU’RE GOING AND WHY! DEAR PRIMUS, AUTHOR, STOP HOLDING OUR HANDS!



*Snip* long repetitive description of the process of getting the Greens and feeding the chick.

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And the counter has just broken 100! My brain hurts… I need a drink… *teleports out of sporking chamber and comes back with a bottle of Jack Daniels*

Lightning: *takes bottle away* I told you, no drinks.

Azra: Well slag you too!

Three days pass

Azra: -without a proper scene break or even so much as a new freaking paragraph-

and the day for the chick to decide an important decision has come: Should it stay with the other Chocobos, or will it travel the world with its surrogate mother, Bartz.

Krile: Didn’t the chocobos already tell him to take it with him? Bartz, I’d listen to them if I were you.

Azra: That’s a question, not a statement, by the way.

*Snip* several lines of nothing but more repetition of “Will it stay in the wild or go with Bartz?”

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He looked to the other Chocobos; then to Bartz. It dd this a dozen times.

Rydia: Who was counting?

Slowly becoming heartbroken, Bartz knew this was for the future of the chick. While the chick looked towards the other Chocobos, Bartz shedded a tear, knowing this was the last time he would be with the chick.

Krile: We already know it isn’t going to stay in the wild, because we know it’s going to grow up with Bartz!

Rydia: This story isn’t very good at the whole suspense thing.

Azra: Ah, the single tear, a perennial favorite of hack writers everywhere. Why does nobody ever bawl his or her eyes out or blow his or her nose in these stories? Whenever I cry, the tears gush rapidly all over, and so does my nose.

Rydia: Uh, we didn’t really need to know that much…

Azra: Sorry ^^ I forgot I had guests for a moment.

*Snip* more pointlessly repetitive lines!

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Bartz cried to himself, but was soon interrupted by a light pecking from a small beak. He looks up and sees the very chick he helped raised.

Rydia: You’ve only been together for three days. I don’t think that qualifies as helping raise it-I certainly didn’t make friends with the Eidolons in that short a time frame.

It had finally made its decision. It cuddled up to him, giving sweet chirps. Bartz was stunned. All this time, it was he it wanted to be with instead of the other Chocobos. Bartz was alittle a little stunned.



Azra: …What do you want me to say about this? I’ve been going on for ages about how repetitive this thing is, to the point that I’m worried that I’m getting repetitive!

Lightning: How about “Did this story ever get edited?”

Azra: Most likely not. The author probably just typed it up in one sitting and tacked it onto FFnet, ignoring all the pretty red and green underlines.

Krile: What’s FFnet?

Azra: I’ll explain later. We have to finish the sporking.

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"You...Want to come with me? I thought...You wanted to be with the other Chocobos. You want to travel with me?" questioned Bartz.

Lightning: Is this guy normally so slow-witted? It’s painfully obvious that the stupid bird doesn’t want to leave him!

Krile: He’s really not that dumb.

The chick chirpped chirped and fluttered all his little feathers, giving the adventurer alot



of Chocobo love.



Lightning: That’s disturbing on so many levels.

Azra: *twitch* I think I need brain bleach…

"Aww...I think its about time I gave you a name...

All: Finally!

How about...Boko...Yeah...Your name will be Boko, is that alright?" said Bartz. The chick responded with happy chirps. From that day forward, the chick was forever named, 'Boko'.

All: WE KNOW! YOU JUST SAID SO!

Three more days pass

Azra: -without a scene or paragraph break, yet again-

and the two travel to a nearby town that was as big as a major city.

Krile: Which town was it? Also, towns in our world are generally smaller than castle towns, because there isn’t a castle nearby.

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In their hotel room,

Azra: I presume you mean a room at the inn, because FFV has an inn in every town.

Boko the chick flutters around on the bed,

Lightning: -getting tangled in the bedsheets-

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but soon became worried about its traveling partner.

Rydia: Why? It’s still just a baby; I doubt it’s terribly perceptive yet.

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Bartz began to feel feverish, but from what was the main question.

Azra: And finally, the poison comes into play! I’ll give the author credit-this actually isn’t that bad.

'Guhh...What's going on? Why am I feeling this way? I gotta check on my wound,' thought Bartz. He heads to the bathroom of the room

Azra: I would remark on how the inn probably wouldn’t have indoor plumbing because of the medievalesque setting, but I’d rather not dwell on where characters in FFV go to the bathroom.

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to examine the wound that was healing from the 'Gilgamesh' encounter.

Krile: So it wasn’t the real Gilgamesh he met, but an impostor?

What he sees begins to scare him. The wound looked infected by sight and inflamed.

Rydia: The Sight spell doesn’t cause infections-it’s a white magic spell.

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Bartz presses on the wound lightly and almost immediately pus began to ooze out.

Azra: Poison doesn’t work that way!

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Bartz knew he had a fever by feeling his forehead and taking his temperature, which was 101.4.

Azra: *splutters* Taking his temperature? And knowing exactly what the human body temperature norm is? Okay, I might’ve cut the author some slack earlier, but there’s no excuse for a concept so blatantly modern to be in there! What, do you think they have Ye Olde Magickal Thermometers for sale in the item shops?

'Oh, no...Its infected, despite my efforts...I better get help,' thought Bartz. "Boko...We need to head to a hospital...I'm not doing so good..Come on.." said Bartz as he picked Boko up into his arms. They head to the hospital in the northwest area of the town.

Krile: Shouldn’t he be going to see a white mage? Esuna would work wonders.

Azra: Yup, the author is just going to use modern medicine, probably not understanding how anachronistic it is to have it in there. Primus, this is stupid…

Lightning: Even if this did take place in a world like mine, the option of white magic is still available. If he at least knows Cure, it’ll help a little!

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As they sat in the triage room and waited for the doctor, Boko fluttered about, playing on the floor. The doctor assigned to the case walks into the room, looking at his clipboard.

Azra: I thought I was reading a Final Fantasy fic, not a House M.D. fic!

Lightning: Aren’t hospital rooms super-sterile? The bird would never be allowed in there.

Rydia: Why? A friend would be good company to calm you down while the healers work, be it a human or a pet.

Azra: I’ll explain later-back to the story.

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"Mr. Klauser...What brought you here, today?" asked the doctor.

Azra: (Doctor) The white mages are a little tied up today, so unless it’s urgent, you’ll have to wait a little while for one.

Rydia: Stuff like this is why it’s nice to have friends who are white mages.

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"Its my shoulder. I fought against this character named 'Gilgamesh' to save this little chick right here. I did my absolute best on cleaning the wound out, but it got infected," answered Bartz.

"Gilgamesh? You saw Gilgamesh?" asked the doctor, shocked by hearing Gilgamesh's name. "Yeah. Please don't tell me you know him," said Bartz.

Lightning: (Doctor) Know him? He was my old college roommate!

Krile: What’s a college roommate?

"A bunch of the patients I saw encountered this fiend before. They were infected with a poison he made that kills within twelve days.

Azra: Takes twelve days, eh? Gilgamesh must be just as incompetent at making poisons as he is at finding the Excalibur.

Lightning: Just who is this guy going around and beating up anyway? Random civilians?

Azra: Well, this fic’s Gilgamesh is batshit insane for the sake of it…

Did you see him dip his blade into anything, like a container?" answered the doctor. "Yeah...I did. He did dip the blade of his spear into a canister. Oh, god..Its been nine days. I'm gonna die, arent I?" panicked Bartz.

Azra: (Doctor) No, silly-it’s nothing a little Esuna spell can’t fix. I’ll get a white mage right away!

"We developed an antidote for this poison. Your YOU'RE. YOU. ARE. not going to die. Lets check out your shoulder wound first," said the doctor, assuring Bartz that he wasn't going to die.

All: YOU JUST SAID HE WASN’T GOING TO DIE!

He removes the freshly placed bandage on Bartz's injured shoulder. He examines it closely and carefully. After a few minutes, he was finished.

Rydia: Well, that was pointless. When is the white mage going to show up?

Krile: Soon, I hope. There’s no reason to believe Esuna wouldn’t work.

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"Its definitely infected. We all do our best to clean our wounds, but sometimes bacteria breeches breaches our defenses.

Rydia: Particularly if you’ve been hit with Bio.

Krile: Those poisonous creatures used in the spell would look pretty stupid in breeches.

We'll get that cleaned out and give you some antibiotics to make sure all the bugs are gone; plus the antidote for the fiend's poison," said the doctor.

Rydia & Krile: Antibiwhatnow?

Azra: This whole modern doctor’s office scene is completely out of place in a fic like this. It's FINAL FREAKIN' FANTASY! GET A WHITE MAGE, AND USE MAGIC!

He then turns to look at Boko, who was looking back at him with curiosity.

"Such a cute Chocobo chick," said the doctor.

Lightning: (Doctor) He needs to stay in the waiting room. Sorry, son.

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"That's Boko. He's the chick I saved from Gilgamesh," answered Bartz. The little chick flutters his little feathers and headed towards the stretcher\bed,

Lightning: Well, which one is it?

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wanting to get up onto it right next to his companion. Bartz leans down and picks up Boko and situates him right next to him. As the doctor leaves the room, a nurse comes in with a hospital gown and hands it to him.

Krile: That’s the white mage, right? Right?

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"Here...We need you to put this on," said the nurse. "Okay...Not a problem," answered Bartz.

Rydia: Why does he have to wear a new outfit? Can’t the healer just tuck him in bed and go to work?

Lightning: It’s part of the whole sterility thing. His clothes are probably filthy from all the time he spent out there in the wild.

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The nurse pulls the curtains to the right to give the adventurer some privacy so he could switch into the gown. The chick fluttered about and chirped sweet noted coos, worried for Bartz's health.

"Its okay, Boko...Everything is going to be alright," he said to the chick, petting the chick's head lightly. The doctor returns with

Azra: -a couple of white mages-

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the items needed to clean out a wound and the antidote for Gilgamesh's poison.

Azra: I can’t take it anymore! If I keep ranting about how stupid and anachronistic this scene is, I’m going to get as repetitive as the fic.

*Snip* several painful paragraphs of Bartz getting the antidote administered through a shot and the doctor using a saline solution to clean the wound, and then giving him antibiotics and taking his temperature, instead of doing the logical thing for a Final Fantasy fic and BRINGING IN A WHITE MAGE!

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*RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE* This whole story is SO STUPID! Stupid modern medicine in my Final Fantasy fic! Stupid repetitive patronizing handholding! Stupid nonexistent transitions! Stupid annoying tense switches! THIS IS STUPID! THIS IS STUPID! STUPID…



Krile: *backs away slowly*

Lightning: Wow. She’s managed to make me at my worst look calm and levelheaded!

Rydia: Should I summon Asura? She could maybe calm her down a bit.

Azra: *RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE*

*finally calms down six hours later*



Okay, okay. We can do this. Let’s finish this!

Within a few more minutes,

Azra: -without a paragraph or scene break, yet again-

the adventurer was discharged with the liquid form of the antibiotics that he took previously.

Azra: Prescription meds, yet another MODERN MEDICINE concept that is totally anachronistic…

Rydia: Calm down! Do I have to cast Stop on you?

Lightning: This thing would never get finished if you did that.

Boko waddled right next to his traveling companion back to the hotel to recover further. Each day, the little Chocobo chick always brings his companion his medicine, just as the doctor instructed on the label.

Krile: That’s actually kinda cute…

Lightning: The doctor instructed that the medicine be administered by a chocobo?

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Boko would always wake him up, giving sweet chirps and handing him the medicine he needed with his beak.

Lightning: That would just give him even more diseases.

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The little chick knew for sure that Bartz was not his mother, but knew from for an unexplained reason that Bartz had risked everything for the little one.

Krile: Chocobos are a lot more intelligent than you might think. It’s not all that surprising.

In return, the chick wanted to risk things too, like being a nurse for his companion.

Rydia: I don’t think that would go over very well.

Three years has passed

Azra: -without a Primus-slagging paragraph or scene break, because this author has no idea how to properly transition scenes or dialogue-

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from that fateful day of Bartz rescuing Boko from Gilgamesh before he hatched.

All: WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! WE READ THE STORY! You could’ve just said “that fateful day” and been done with it!

Bartz sits in the same field where he camped in with the young chick he rescued. He sat from a distance eating a sandwich, till from a bush behind him, an adult Chocobo peeked its head up to see what the adventurer was doing.

Lightning: He quickly turned away, fervently wishing he could unsee the sight of his human friend’s “private time”-

Azra: Stop that! There are children in the room!

Rydia: Hey, I’m not a kid anymore-physically, anyway.

Krile: Huh?

Azra: NEVER MIND!

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Bartz eats his sandwich, not suspecting that a Chocobo was up to something. The Chocobo reaches over and pecks the adventurer's left shoulder, causing him to look to his left as the sandwich was in his right hand. "Huh? Who's there? Hello?" asked Bartz.

Rydia: It is I, Bahamut, hallowed Father of the Eidolons! Prove your worth to me in battle!

Krile: *stands on chair* I am the dark warlock, Exdeath! Witness the power of the VOOOOOID!

Lightning: *spins gunblade* I am fal’Cie! My name is Barthalandelus, and I am a flaming asshole!

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While he looks away, the Chocobo reaches over to the sandwich and nabs it; gulping it down within three bites. The adventurer was a bit puzzled, but when he turned to take a bite of his sandwich, it was gone.

"Huh? Where'd it...Wait a minute," Bartz said to himself. He slowly turns around to face

Rydia: -his greatest fear-

Krile: -his father’s ghost-

Lightning: -his idiot brother-in-law-

LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIII

the bush behind him and by pure instinct

Lightning: -farted-

Azra: *facepalms and groans* Merciful Primus… Fart jokes aren’t funny!

Krile: Grandpa used to laugh at them… I miss Grandpa…

went to it. The bush wiggled

Lightning: -seduc-

Azra: *clamps a hand over her mouth* NO! None of those jokes, either! Especially not with the children in the room!

LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII

a bit, giving little chirps. Bartz parts the bush from both left and right and spots a Chocobo, which it appears to be wearing a saddle and a type of tie around its right leg.

Rydia: Was it wearing them, or wasn’t it?

LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII I

"Boko! You ate my sandwich, didn't you?" questioned Bartz.

Krile: (Boko) Kweh? (Sandwich? Whatever do you mean?)

The adult Chocobo, revealed as the fully grown Boko, gives playful chirps and wiggles about on his saddled back,

Rydia: How did he manage to sit on his own back?

LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII II

just as Bartz was hugging him. "Boko...If you was were hungry, you should've letted me know. You silly Chocobo," said Bartz. Boko gets back up and gives dove-like coos, nuzzling his human companion with Chocobo Love.



Azra: Oh scrap, it’s the “Chocobo Love” again. *shudders and drinks brain bleach*

Lightning: Hey! Share. *drinks some too*

LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIII

He flapped his wings in happiness. Bartz eats another sandwich

Azra: How many sandwiches does he have? If you’re traveling in the wilderness and don’t have a proper method of food preservation, it’s going to spoil!

LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII I

and mounts onto the saddle, preparing to leave the area with the supplies he carried.

Krile: He got ready to leave while sitting on the chocobo? It would be really hard to pick up all your stuff and check the area while sitting on one.

To this day, Bartz still held onto the empty antibiotic bottle, for it was a symbol of a special bond that he and Boko shared while he was ill.

Rydia: Couldn’t he put it to practical use as well? Maybe use it as a water bottle?

Lightning: A medicine bottle would be a bit small for that.

LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII II

Standing still for a moment, Boko started grooming himself like any typical bird and Chocobo.

Rydia: But… chocobos are birds…

He cleaned his golden feathers, til one of the feathers simply fell off. Bartz saw this from the saddle. "One of your feathers fell off...Its probably an old feather.



Huh?" Bartz was stunned from what he saw next. Boko pics up the feather

Lightning: He used it to draw a picture?

Krile: Hm… I could maybe try to teach a chocobo to draw someday…

LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII III

and turns to his companion, giving the fallen feather to him.

"Boko...Your FOR THE FIFTY-SEVENTH SLAGGING TIME, IT'S "YOU'RE!" giving this to me?" asked a shocked Bartz.

Rydia: His giving what?

LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIII

Boko nodded and placed the feather on his lap. Bartz picks it up and looks at it; then he turns to look at Boko. The Chocobo nuzzles the adventurer with love and gave dove-like coos.

Azra: What’s with all the “dove-like coos” anyway? Chocobos go “kweh!” Or, if you want to be picky, older translations use “wark!”

Lightning: Well, there are a lot more important things to gripe about in this story other than how you spell the sound a chocobo makes.

LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII

Bartz could now understand.

Azra: Understand what? That Boko is a loyal friend? Well, of course he is-you two have shown nothing but care and support for each other since day one!

*Snip!* a recap of the ENTIRE FREAKING STORY.

LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII III

The bond between the two was so strong,

Krile: -that they’d gotten stuck together. It was uncomfortable.

that this feather today would cement this bond further.

Lightning: The feather was coated in superglue, getting them even more stuck together. Life would be very awkward now.

"Oh, Boko," said Bartz, hugging the Chocobo's head. Boko gave a few chirps and nuzzles him. They hugged for a few more minutes; then prepared to go on their voyage together.

Rydia: They were heading out to sea? That doesn’t sound like it would be good for a chocobo.

Krile: Well, Faris’ pirates did nurse Boko back to health, but they never brought him onto her ship.

LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII

From that day forward, Bartz never letted go of that golden feather.

Lightning: Because it was stuck to his hand from the superglue.

They traveled together for a long while like two very close traveling companions.

Azra: *facepalms and has a good cry over the stupidity of that line*



Well, this is where the story ends. Thanks for helping me out, ladies… Primus, what a ride that was.

Lightning: It was painful to read that thing, but at the same time, I kind of had fun. With all the stuff I’ve been through, I’d forgotten how to have fun.

Krile: A lot of that didn’t make any sense at all, but I was wondering how Bartz met Boko. I’ll have to ask him sometime!

Rydia: I was pretty scared when you snapped, though. You almost destroyed the chamber!

Azra: You don’t need to worry too much about that. The sporking chamber is magical; it’s designed to repair itself no matter how many times I go berserk or try to escape. *clears throat* And now, my final thoughts.

This fic is a complete trainwreck. The basic premise is interesting, and even the paper-thin plot could be good if it were written by a competent author. This author, sad to say, just isn’t, not by any definition of the word.

The technical writing was what made this fic stand out as sporkable to me. The English language in this story is mangled and twisted into an incomprehensible mess that makes my brain hurt. The sentences are structured awkwardly; words, phrases, and information are repeated constantly; transition, paragraphing, and narrative flow are nonexistent; and the spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors are so glaringly bad that the fic pretty much sporks itself in that regard.

Let’s take a look at the final LET’S DO THE TIME WARP counter for the overall fic:

LET’S DO THE TIME WARP: IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII

165 times.

ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY FIVE TIMES the tense has randomly switched for no Primus-slagging reason! This was driving me absolutely crazy!

And the count is that high for just ONE of the author’s repeat offenses. If I had added counters for the other constant annoyances, like the repetitiveness, handholding, and anachronisms, I’d have been here all day!

I’m normally willing to be a lot more lenient toward fanfic writers than published ones, as many of them are inexperienced teenagers who simply don’t know better-and I was once like that myself. But this author isn’t thirteen, she’s TWENTY-THREE as of the time of this sporking. The fic was posted in 2010, which would have made her TWENTY-my age right now-when she wrote it. She doesn’t have a good excuse-either to write this poorly or to post it in that state to FFnet unedited, because the site TOS explicitly says to spellcheck your work!

She says on her FFnet profile, “Whatever good fanfic idea I come up with, I’ll make it a story with my hard work and dilegence (sic).” Either she didn’t consider this a good fanfic idea (and thus didn’t put in any effort), which is unlikely, or she has no idea what hard work or diligence is, because it seems she didn’t even try to edit this fanfic, let alone make any of it make sense. I honestly do not understand what her thought processes went like to produce this mess.

In addition to completely failing to grasp the English language, the author also does not seem to possess a good grasp of Final Fantasy V canon. She depicts Bartz as more like he was in Dissidia than he was in FFV, has no good reason for Gilgamesh to encounter Bartz pre-game, portrays Gilgamesh as a one-dimensional maniac, and seems to have forgotten-or just doesn’t care-that the game takes place in a pseudo-medieval setting. Now, I don’t believe that a fantasy setting has to be exactly like the real Middle Ages-I certainly don’t want to imagine the denizens of my original fantasy universe dumping shit in the streets, or any of my favorite game characters doing that. Besides, the presence of magic could effect societal-and hygienic-advancement in many different ways. But seriously, a modern hospital with injections and antibiotics is way too anachronistic for that kind of setting!

Speaking of magic, that’s a core mechanic of Final Fantasy as a whole. Even the games with modern settings had mostly the same black and white magic spells as all the other games, with a few differences here and there! The author didn’t even once acknowledge the existence of magic, which just didn’t feel right-a Final Fantasy fanfic without magic is like a Pokemon fanfic without Pokemon, or a Star Wars fanfic without the Force, or a Star Trek fanfic without Starfleet. Unless it’s an AU setting, the world just isn’t complete without a core aspect like that.

More importantly, this also doesn’t feel like a Final Fantasy V fanfic. FFV was fun to play because of how silly it was and how much it made me laugh. I was hoping to find a fanfic that would capture that spirit of silliness and fun. Instead, I get this dreck-bland, dry, patronizing, and joyless. It doesn’t help that this is one of a very small handful of FFV fanfics I could even find.

I don’t really have that much more to say-even if the plot and characterization hadn’t been paper-thin, any promise or bright spot this story might’ve had would be completely obfuscated by the terrible writing. I might’ve raged a lot in the sporking, but that was more comedic than serious. What I truly feel is disappointment at seeing all the wasted potential.

Oh well, at least the canon violations weren’t too egregious. That’s saved for the next fic.

Yup, I’ll be sporking another DissidiaLord89 oneshot next time around-it’s just like this one, except for one little detail: the Mary Sue!

…Oh, and the smut scene with the Mary Sue, but I’m not going to spork that part.

Well, I hope you enjoyed the sporking. I’m Azra the Librarian, and I’ll be seeing you all later for the next spork!

fic type: oneshot, suethor: dissidialord89, fic: how bartz met boko, fandom: final fantasy

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