The Vagaries of Perception
Tonight, thanks to a very observant girl, a new facet of one of my favorite shows, in fact one of my favorite universes, has been laid bare before my disbelieveing eyes. The men on Sealab 2021 have no genitalia. The crotches are drawn in such a way as to denote smoothness, hip to hip and waist to thighs, as was the style for some children's cartoons. There was once a time when children as a whole were shielded from sexuality, a time before Jenny Jones could look on any street corner and find a guest for her "Teen Crack Whore Makeover" episode. But today's topic is not the continuing degredation of America's youth. Far worse things are happening to children in other countries, and that's not something I'm going to tackle right now. Today's topic is more along the lines of: "How do you feel about not having a penis?"
My panel today consists of the illustrious crew of the world's most foremost underwater research facility, Sealab! We have Captain Hazel Murphy, Radio Operator Jodene Sparks, Dr. Quentin Quinn, Sub Pilot Derek "Stormy" Waters, and Marine Biologists Marco Rodrigo Diaz De Vivar Diego Gabriel Marquez and Debbie DuPree. Quite a lineup of true professionals, dedicated to their work.
Stormy: Quit touching me!
Quinn: Shut up! We're on the internet!
Stormy: Well someone's touching me! In the bad place...
Murphy: Here now, this is my ship and I won't have any hanky-panky in the ranks!
(everyone looks at debbie) Debbie: What?
Murphy: A life under the sea is a life of celibacy! I made that up, you know.
Stormy: I'm telling you, there's some hanky going on with my panky!
Sparks: No one's touching you, idiot. Now just shut up and let's get on with this!
Azrael's Claws: Yes, by all means let's. The question standing before you today is: How do you feel about your penis, or lack thereof? Captain, let's start with you.
Murphy: It rhymes.
AC: What?
Murphy: A life under the sea is a life of celibacy. My Sealab motto rhymes. Did you catch that, sonny?
AC: Yes, but I was asking how you feel about your penis, actually.
Murphy: Well, I guess I don't think about it all that much. I've got a lot of responsibilities running a multi-million dollar whatchamacallit station. But I could still put the rabbit through the hat if, say, the fate of the world was at stake. Yeah, if it was just me and Adrienne Barbot left on the planet and we had to repopulate, you bet I could still make the horse stand up in his stable and drool all over a carrot!
AC: Interesting. Yeah, interesting. So, ok, who's next? I'm all confused for some reason. Sparks, do you have any more of that herbal supplement you gave me earlier?
Sparks: Yeah, but I don't want it to go public. There were...complications last time. Here, take a bottle and forget where you got it.
Quinn: Those aren't...
(Sparks wheels his chair over to Quinn and kicks him in the shin.)
Quinn: Ow!
Sparks: Ix-nay on the Imutacs-stay!
Quinn: Damn, whatever.
AC: Whoo, I'm, like, losing the show here. Quinn, tell us about your penis. If, indeed, you have one.
Quinn: Well, when i built my superfly robot body using my I.Q. of 260, that's 2-6-0, I gave myself a hydraulic penis, which is huge.
AC: Wow, that's awesome, dude. Is there any evidence to back up this fantastic story? Any witnesses, or anyone who's come in contact with the...apparatus?
(everyone looks at Debbie again.)
Debbie: What? Seriously, stop doing that. Just because I'm the only woman here, everyone assumes that I'm a slut? That's bullsh*t. Seriously.
Stormy: Debbie, were you touching me earlier?
Debbie: (disgusted) No.
Stormy: Well, are you touching me now?
Debbie: NO!
Stormy: Well then who's touch-
Marco: Dios mio! Stormy, your hands are in your jumpsuit! You're touching your damn self!
Everyone: Gross!/Oh my God!/Pervert!/Sick!/Cut that out!/Holy crap!
AC: Holy Shit, Marco! You finally said something! I pegged you for the strong, silent type, so let's see what you think of your latin meatsaber! Damn, these pills are excellent! What's in them?
Sparks: Mostly kelp.
Marco: Well, I don't like to brag, but I do have a lot to brag about.
(Marco unzips his jumpsuit and hauls out a large, oddly shaped organ.)
Marco: I call it "The Latinator"!
Everyone: Good Lord!/Put that away!/What's that lumpy..eeewww!/Jesus, that's../Holy Crap!
AC: Inappropriate! Did that actually just happen, or am I tripping here? Just holster it, buddy, and we'll move on. Sparks, you wonderful, wonderful human being, you, how's it hanging? Literally, i mean can you use your lower body, or is it a vestigal organ now?
Sparks: That's actually a common misconception. People assume I'm handicapped because I never walk anywhere, but the truth is I'm just extremely lazy. My "Little Sparks" works fine, but I can't picture getting up to use it. I do enjoy the occasional blowjob, however. There's this asian girl in Pod 6, she doesn't speak any english, but man, can she-
Murphy: I friggin' hate Pod 6! And what did I say about all these carnal adventures? Court Martians for everyone as soon as we get back to Sealab! I swear, if I had a chainsaw hand for every time-
(Sparks fires a dart from a blowgun into Murphy's neck.)
Sparks: Whoops! Dart in the neck!
(Murphy slumps to the floor, softly snoring.)
Sparks: He won't remember any of this, don't worry.
Stormy: Isn't that...dangerous?
Sparks: Probably.
Debbie: Can we just go now? I don't even know why I'm here, I don't even have a penis!
AC: Wha...who? Hey! Right, we're doing a show here! Man, these lights are delicious. Debbie, tell us what it's like to be ... y'know .. penisless.
Debbie: It sucks. It really sucks. I feel like the only target on a shooting range, being fired at with blanks by ugly guns. Well, and one long black rifle that always hits the spot.
AC: I have no idea what you're saying to me. I think I love you all.
Sparks: (muttering to himself) Ride the Stimutacs... (chuckles)
Stormy: When's it gonna be my turn? I wanna talk about Little Stormy!
Sparks: You can't call it that! I call mine the little me, so you have to pick something else!
Stormy: Why? I mean, you don't even use yours, so what's the point of naming it?
Sparks: I'll use it on your mom!
Stormy: Yeah, that's funny. It'll be real funny when I crack you with a pipe!
Hesh: Hey, that's Hesh's line!
Everyone (who's awake and sober): Hesh!/How did you get here?/Whip out Little Hesh!/He can't call it that!
Quinn: Wait a minute. If you're here, then who's watching the reactor?
Hesh: Hesh is sick of bein' in that damn room all the time! Hesh wants to have adventures and relate to other characters! And Hesh wants sex!
Quinn: My God.
(Somewhere in the dark deep oceans, Sealab explodes.)
Debbie: So, can we get out of here, or what?
AC: Glubbuhh? Woooo, pretty fires are starting in my retinas. What are you saying? Hell, I knew that, stupid lovable eye retina fires!
Quinn: Yeah. Sure. Debbie, you come with me. Everyone else, back to the sub, and take the Captain.
Stormy: Back to Sealab! Shotgun!
Quinn: You're piloting, idiot.
(Stormy pulls out a shotgun and blows a hole in Quinn's face. Quinn falls down, sparking and twitching but obviously still alive. Stormy puts his arm around a shocked Debbie.)
Stormy: Now who's the idiot, bitch?
My panel today consists of the illustrious crew of the world's most foremost underwater research facility, Sealab! We have Captain Hazel Murphy, Radio Operator Jodene Sparks, Dr. Quentin Quinn, Sub Pilot Derek "Stormy" Waters, and Marine Biologists Marco Rodrigo Diaz De Vivar Diego Gabriel Marquez and Debbie DuPree. Quite a lineup of true professionals, dedicated to their work.
Stormy: Quit touching me!
Quinn: Shut up! We're on the internet!
Stormy: Well someone's touching me! In the bad place...
Murphy: Here now, this is my ship and I won't have any hanky-panky in the ranks!
(everyone looks at debbie) Debbie: What?
Murphy: A life under the sea is a life of celibacy! I made that up, you know.
Stormy: I'm telling you, there's some hanky going on with my panky!
Sparks: No one's touching you, idiot. Now just shut up and let's get on with this!
Azrael's Claws: Yes, by all means let's. The question standing before you today is: How do you feel about your penis, or lack thereof? Captain, let's start with you.
Murphy: It rhymes.
AC: What?
Murphy: A life under the sea is a life of celibacy. My Sealab motto rhymes. Did you catch that, sonny?
AC: Yes, but I was asking how you feel about your penis, actually.
Murphy: Well, I guess I don't think about it all that much. I've got a lot of responsibilities running a multi-million dollar whatchamacallit station. But I could still put the rabbit through the hat if, say, the fate of the world was at stake. Yeah, if it was just me and Adrienne Barbot left on the planet and we had to repopulate, you bet I could still make the horse stand up in his stable and drool all over a carrot!
AC: Interesting. Yeah, interesting. So, ok, who's next? I'm all confused for some reason. Sparks, do you have any more of that herbal supplement you gave me earlier?
Sparks: Yeah, but I don't want it to go public. There were...complications last time. Here, take a bottle and forget where you got it.
Quinn: Those aren't...
(Sparks wheels his chair over to Quinn and kicks him in the shin.)
Quinn: Ow!
Sparks: Ix-nay on the Imutacs-stay!
Quinn: Damn, whatever.
AC: Whoo, I'm, like, losing the show here. Quinn, tell us about your penis. If, indeed, you have one.
Quinn: Well, when i built my superfly robot body using my I.Q. of 260, that's 2-6-0, I gave myself a hydraulic penis, which is huge.
AC: Wow, that's awesome, dude. Is there any evidence to back up this fantastic story? Any witnesses, or anyone who's come in contact with the...apparatus?
(everyone looks at Debbie again.)
Debbie: What? Seriously, stop doing that. Just because I'm the only woman here, everyone assumes that I'm a slut? That's bullsh*t. Seriously.
Stormy: Debbie, were you touching me earlier?
Debbie: (disgusted) No.
Stormy: Well, are you touching me now?
Debbie: NO!
Stormy: Well then who's touch-
Marco: Dios mio! Stormy, your hands are in your jumpsuit! You're touching your damn self!
Everyone: Gross!/Oh my God!/Pervert!/Sick!/Cut that out!/Holy crap!
AC: Holy Shit, Marco! You finally said something! I pegged you for the strong, silent type, so let's see what you think of your latin meatsaber! Damn, these pills are excellent! What's in them?
Sparks: Mostly kelp.
Marco: Well, I don't like to brag, but I do have a lot to brag about.
(Marco unzips his jumpsuit and hauls out a large, oddly shaped organ.)
Marco: I call it "The Latinator"!
Everyone: Good Lord!/Put that away!/What's that lumpy..eeewww!/Jesus, that's../Holy Crap!
AC: Inappropriate! Did that actually just happen, or am I tripping here? Just holster it, buddy, and we'll move on. Sparks, you wonderful, wonderful human being, you, how's it hanging? Literally, i mean can you use your lower body, or is it a vestigal organ now?
Sparks: That's actually a common misconception. People assume I'm handicapped because I never walk anywhere, but the truth is I'm just extremely lazy. My "Little Sparks" works fine, but I can't picture getting up to use it. I do enjoy the occasional blowjob, however. There's this asian girl in Pod 6, she doesn't speak any english, but man, can she-
Murphy: I friggin' hate Pod 6! And what did I say about all these carnal adventures? Court Martians for everyone as soon as we get back to Sealab! I swear, if I had a chainsaw hand for every time-
(Sparks fires a dart from a blowgun into Murphy's neck.)
Sparks: Whoops! Dart in the neck!
(Murphy slumps to the floor, softly snoring.)
Sparks: He won't remember any of this, don't worry.
Stormy: Isn't that...dangerous?
Sparks: Probably.
Debbie: Can we just go now? I don't even know why I'm here, I don't even have a penis!
AC: Wha...who? Hey! Right, we're doing a show here! Man, these lights are delicious. Debbie, tell us what it's like to be ... y'know .. penisless.
Debbie: It sucks. It really sucks. I feel like the only target on a shooting range, being fired at with blanks by ugly guns. Well, and one long black rifle that always hits the spot.
AC: I have no idea what you're saying to me. I think I love you all.
Sparks: (muttering to himself) Ride the Stimutacs... (chuckles)
Stormy: When's it gonna be my turn? I wanna talk about Little Stormy!
Sparks: You can't call it that! I call mine the little me, so you have to pick something else!
Stormy: Why? I mean, you don't even use yours, so what's the point of naming it?
Sparks: I'll use it on your mom!
Stormy: Yeah, that's funny. It'll be real funny when I crack you with a pipe!
Hesh: Hey, that's Hesh's line!
Everyone (who's awake and sober): Hesh!/How did you get here?/Whip out Little Hesh!/He can't call it that!
Quinn: Wait a minute. If you're here, then who's watching the reactor?
Hesh: Hesh is sick of bein' in that damn room all the time! Hesh wants to have adventures and relate to other characters! And Hesh wants sex!
Quinn: My God.
(Somewhere in the dark deep oceans, Sealab explodes.)
Debbie: So, can we get out of here, or what?
AC: Glubbuhh? Woooo, pretty fires are starting in my retinas. What are you saying? Hell, I knew that, stupid lovable eye retina fires!
Quinn: Yeah. Sure. Debbie, you come with me. Everyone else, back to the sub, and take the Captain.
Stormy: Back to Sealab! Shotgun!
Quinn: You're piloting, idiot.
(Stormy pulls out a shotgun and blows a hole in Quinn's face. Quinn falls down, sparking and twitching but obviously still alive. Stormy puts his arm around a shocked Debbie.)
Stormy: Now who's the idiot, bitch?