Can't think of a crazy headline
I don't think I ever dealt with my fathers death. That there was one of the few times I've allowed myself to call him father. I've pushed it out of my thoughts for so long, forced myself either not to think about it or tell myself there was nothing anyone could have done to save him from himself. Then I find myself pondering whether or not its true and it makes me sad, so I do it again, tuck it away and forget. I joined the army about a month before he died and he never even knew. so many jumbled thoughts and feelings about this I dont know how to put them down in any coherant way. What if he was still around? what if I could have done something to save him from himself and that whore? He did it to himself but she sure as shit didn't help anything. I wish he could be around, not the junky that destroyed himself but my father. I wish he could be here and be proud of Nicole and Bryan. It scares me how much of the other Glenn I see in myself. I do what I did with him to everything else, push it away don't attatch myself to anything or anyone because I might get hurt. I never let my hopes get up because they are almost never fullfilled. In Doedgeball, Vince Vaughn's character says something to the affect that if you dont have any expectations you can't be disapointed and I think I've lived by that principle for too long. I don't know what I want to do with my life and I don't know how to figure it out. I almost didn't post this because I didnt want anyone to know how I feel because I've been distancing myself. I'm going to try to stop but I've been doing it for so long its gunna take work.