The Great Child Debate
Today I made a huge turkey feast for my husband and I. The first big dinner in our new apt in a new province. Dinner has come and gone, the food put away and the dishes in the dish washer. My husband has gone out with a friend and I am left at home alone ( not because of a lack of invite). My husband and I decided that we do not want children. Or rather I have felt since I was 12 that being a mother was not something I wanted. For many reasons. Too numerous for me to ramble off here and that is not really the point. But tonight while cleaning up I felt something I haven't felt before. Emptyness. The place was too quiet. And it made me wonder and realize that from now on it was just going to be us. Dinner for two. There would be friends and family to stop in now and then of course but for the majority of it just us. And for the first time I thought is that going to be enough?
I always thought I would like a house full of conversations and laughter but wasn't sure I wanted to have to go through the 14+ years of child rearing before that happened. I've also heard so many people say now my kids are gone I can finally_____________________. Or saying if it wasn't for my kid I wouldn't still be with this guy or that girl. or I wish I could travel or go out or etc etc. And all that was part of why I never wanted kids and there are lots more reasons too. Again not the point. It was just that this feeling I had tonight made me wonder is this why people have kids? To advert that lonliness- those empty moments? They say kids keep you young because you are out doing things that you normally wouldn't at your age or interest level- soccer games, jungle gyms, justin beiber etc etc. It just made me wonder if because of the choice we made would there always be these little half pints of aloofness and quietude in our lives- these lulls of nothing that could potentially be filled with another soul. But in the end is that fleeting moment enough to make it a life long change.
Maybe it is just the fact that I am premenstrual. But these are just questions and ramblings I am having and of course by no means am I using it to judge one persons choices over another's. Simply thoughts.
I always thought I would like a house full of conversations and laughter but wasn't sure I wanted to have to go through the 14+ years of child rearing before that happened. I've also heard so many people say now my kids are gone I can finally_____________________. Or saying if it wasn't for my kid I wouldn't still be with this guy or that girl. or I wish I could travel or go out or etc etc. And all that was part of why I never wanted kids and there are lots more reasons too. Again not the point. It was just that this feeling I had tonight made me wonder is this why people have kids? To advert that lonliness- those empty moments? They say kids keep you young because you are out doing things that you normally wouldn't at your age or interest level- soccer games, jungle gyms, justin beiber etc etc. It just made me wonder if because of the choice we made would there always be these little half pints of aloofness and quietude in our lives- these lulls of nothing that could potentially be filled with another soul. But in the end is that fleeting moment enough to make it a life long change.
Maybe it is just the fact that I am premenstrual. But these are just questions and ramblings I am having and of course by no means am I using it to judge one persons choices over another's. Simply thoughts.