(no subject)
I don't know how people do it. I feel like I've been knocked down so many times this week. Each time it seems farther than the previous. If I were less selfish I'd realize that I'm far from being the only suffering person. Not only that, but I'm far from having the worst situation. It may have been the worst week of my life in many ways, and it's hard to remember this at times, but there are hundreds/thousands/millions? who would trade their problems with mine.
Since last friday I've lost almost 10 pounds, slept a little over 2 hours a night, thrown up, wanted to die, waned to disappear. I'm not sure when it stops hurting, if it stops hurting. Something like this makes you feel so stupid . . . like the biggest practical joke was played on you. The numbness is the first to set in. After initially hearing it. You're not quite angry at the time, just trying to hold it together. The moments almost immediately after, all you want is to be alone, although later I've found I regretted this part. Then the onset of self-pity, lots and lots of wallowing. There isn't any sleep for you, too many whispers of the past that make you ask "why?" The reminders are everywhere. It's something you have to live with I suppose even though it seems impossible.
And then something hits you, shouldn't you be angrier? Why aren't you? It's the source of all your pain, your anger. Your still family though. You were family before anything else. Everyone was family and anger would pull the family apart wouldn't it? So no anger - well limited as possible - or at least as hidden as possible.
Then where does your outlet lie? For there is a lot of frustration, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Swamped with work and not being able to sleep - and there is I have discovered a difference between being tired and being able to sleep doesn't leave much room for an outlet. I've found the outlet lies in the people around you. The people who have, who continue, and who will shape your life. If I felt blessed before all of this, I feel just as blessed now to have such a support group. Friends from home, friends 2,3 doors down. I just wanted to apologize if I haven't replied, or I haven't been as grateful as I should have been . . . you've saved my life.
It's still hard to think about it and blink away tears. To stand in the same room without screaming "why!" But now there is a reason to move along, there is hope.
I say all this now because I realize there is a very real chance I'll forget all the reasoning I've done in my surprisingly good mood (because of the end of the worst week of my life), and a day from now I'll go back to being the depressingly pathetic engineer I've been lately. =) But at least I've found truth, and that ain't nothing.
Since last friday I've lost almost 10 pounds, slept a little over 2 hours a night, thrown up, wanted to die, waned to disappear. I'm not sure when it stops hurting, if it stops hurting. Something like this makes you feel so stupid . . . like the biggest practical joke was played on you. The numbness is the first to set in. After initially hearing it. You're not quite angry at the time, just trying to hold it together. The moments almost immediately after, all you want is to be alone, although later I've found I regretted this part. Then the onset of self-pity, lots and lots of wallowing. There isn't any sleep for you, too many whispers of the past that make you ask "why?" The reminders are everywhere. It's something you have to live with I suppose even though it seems impossible.
And then something hits you, shouldn't you be angrier? Why aren't you? It's the source of all your pain, your anger. Your still family though. You were family before anything else. Everyone was family and anger would pull the family apart wouldn't it? So no anger - well limited as possible - or at least as hidden as possible.
Then where does your outlet lie? For there is a lot of frustration, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Swamped with work and not being able to sleep - and there is I have discovered a difference between being tired and being able to sleep doesn't leave much room for an outlet. I've found the outlet lies in the people around you. The people who have, who continue, and who will shape your life. If I felt blessed before all of this, I feel just as blessed now to have such a support group. Friends from home, friends 2,3 doors down. I just wanted to apologize if I haven't replied, or I haven't been as grateful as I should have been . . . you've saved my life.
It's still hard to think about it and blink away tears. To stand in the same room without screaming "why!" But now there is a reason to move along, there is hope.
I say all this now because I realize there is a very real chance I'll forget all the reasoning I've done in my surprisingly good mood (because of the end of the worst week of my life), and a day from now I'll go back to being the depressingly pathetic engineer I've been lately. =) But at least I've found truth, and that ain't nothing.