(no subject)
It's that feeling... the feeling that I really need to talk to someone and there is no one to talk to. Not because there would be no one that would be willing to listen. Or at least I think that's not what my problem is. It's me. It's ALL me. It's always been me. I've never had this problem before. Or I did, but it never hit me this bad. I suppose it all started last year, around this time, when I started losing grip on things. It's like watching a car spin out of control from the driver's seat. Helpless to do anything. Doubtlessly a lot of has happened since then. Actually, only one thing really matters to me. Losing/letting him go. If I really did lose him, or if it was my completely concious decision of letting go, I wouldn't feel as damned as I do now. What is wrong with me? He obviously is unaffected. So why should I care? No particular reason, I just do. And I can't help it. It kills me. Kills me kills me kills me. And it kills me even more to know that it kills me. How messed up is that?