(no subject)
i wish.. you didn't need me. i wish you didn't expect me to be the person that i wish i could be. i can feel the weight of your expectation any time you make the slightest joke about me being mean to you, and it just shows me even more clearly every time just how far i fall short of that ideal, that person that i want to be. it seems so hypocritical to strive towards it and then get frustrated when other people expect the same thing of me. and it is hypocritical, almost the definition of. and yet.. i can't handle the pressure of someone else's expectations. every little offhand remark you make about me being mean or not caring hurts, because i know that no matter how flippantly you say it, you actually do mean it. i know that no matter how annoying or needy you sound, how easily other people dismiss what you say, it means a lot to you, so it means a lot to me. and worst of all, i can't ever see an end to it, because try as i might, i know i'm going to disappoint, and there's just no way this can end well. you're not going to miraculously become independent overnight, and i have to admit i don't think you should--people NEED other people.
i don't know how you do it, but you say something mean to me, and i end up feeling bad about it. "gosh, ana, why do you take everything so seriously? i was just kidding" well, maybe if you listened to yourself for once, we wouldn't have a problem. only i don't say that. i shouldn't say that. only i can't keep my emotions in check enough to let go of my anger, so i just sit quietly and in that way let my anger show just as clearly, so you think i'm mad at you. and i am. but little do you know that the second you walk out the door to avoid the charged awkward silence, i can feel myself deflate and think back on the conversation with shame. i almost want to run after you and apologize for being a horrible person, but my pride holds me back. if you're not going to apologize, i sure as heck don't want to
i hate it when i find myself calculating much the way you do well, i did this for you, so you should do this for me. i despise the way i try to ignore the subtle but clear signs to your feelings in almost everything you say and then get annoyed at the obvious clues you drop purposefully in conversation because dude, like i didn't already know. i try so hard to be a better person, and anytime i feel myself improving just a little bit, i find myself sliding backwards in the next moment. that's not the way people should be, and its certainly not the way i should be as a Christian. it's more clear to me everyday that as much as i strive to be like Christ, i just can't do it. and what's even more horrifying is that half the time i don't even want to change. i can see quite clearly so many things that are wrong with me, and yet my first reaction is still well, why can't things change so that my ways are okay?
i know all this, and yet i still can't swallow my pride and talk to you about it. i still just wait silently as you walk away, wait until you come back to offer some measly peace offering, which you accept, and which tides us through until the next little tiff the next day. how long is this supposed to go on? and how long am i going to wait to finally do the right thing?
i don't know how you do it, but you say something mean to me, and i end up feeling bad about it. "gosh, ana, why do you take everything so seriously? i was just kidding" well, maybe if you listened to yourself for once, we wouldn't have a problem. only i don't say that. i shouldn't say that. only i can't keep my emotions in check enough to let go of my anger, so i just sit quietly and in that way let my anger show just as clearly, so you think i'm mad at you. and i am. but little do you know that the second you walk out the door to avoid the charged awkward silence, i can feel myself deflate and think back on the conversation with shame. i almost want to run after you and apologize for being a horrible person, but my pride holds me back. if you're not going to apologize, i sure as heck don't want to
i hate it when i find myself calculating much the way you do well, i did this for you, so you should do this for me. i despise the way i try to ignore the subtle but clear signs to your feelings in almost everything you say and then get annoyed at the obvious clues you drop purposefully in conversation because dude, like i didn't already know. i try so hard to be a better person, and anytime i feel myself improving just a little bit, i find myself sliding backwards in the next moment. that's not the way people should be, and its certainly not the way i should be as a Christian. it's more clear to me everyday that as much as i strive to be like Christ, i just can't do it. and what's even more horrifying is that half the time i don't even want to change. i can see quite clearly so many things that are wrong with me, and yet my first reaction is still well, why can't things change so that my ways are okay?
i know all this, and yet i still can't swallow my pride and talk to you about it. i still just wait silently as you walk away, wait until you come back to offer some measly peace offering, which you accept, and which tides us through until the next little tiff the next day. how long is this supposed to go on? and how long am i going to wait to finally do the right thing?