Here again..
Here is a small, social experiment I felt I needed to dive into.
I forgot what it's like to free flow. Free-write. Everything has become so convoluted and shortened in my head that I no longer take the time to write things out. To express my thoughts and how I feel. Sure, I think to myself every day. But not in the way I used to as a teenager. Writing my thoughts out to my livejournal.... to myself, to the small group of friends who knew my inner secrets. It's funny how similar I write like before, but it's been so long.
This is just a test.
I forgot what it's like to breathe my own air and create my own space. Living in a dream-like world I created for myself. I missed movies. I missed film. The sweet escape of leaving your world and diving into another. Feeling a little less for a little time more. I forgot how important movies were to me. I forgot how much I loved writing. It lets me travel into another world of myself. When I was younger, I thought I would be able to dive so much deeper than my words. Today...I feel it's all I have.
I have been thinking a lot since Shepherd's passing. It has left a profound sadness in my life...and one that I cannot fully understand. As a month has passed, it makes me sad to think that it is something we move forward with. I know that such is life...but, isn't it sad? I wish I could travel backwards and say hi to him again. I wish I could see grillson again. It's a strange feeling knowing that this certain light won't ever turn on again for you the way it had before. To think... just one campout ago, I met grillson at the pit. And now, those texts I send won't ever be responded to.
Another string of thoughts that has been on my mind is Joseph and campout and the difference a year makes. One year ago, stumbling upon my very first campout, I went with someone who I couldn't truly be myself. I hid him from all of my friends and I hid from the truth. This year, all I could think about was how happy I was to be with somene I actually love and am happy to be with and proud to stand next to. I saw Joseph there and felt very sad for him.
Anyways....
This was only a test
I forgot what it's like to free flow. Free-write. Everything has become so convoluted and shortened in my head that I no longer take the time to write things out. To express my thoughts and how I feel. Sure, I think to myself every day. But not in the way I used to as a teenager. Writing my thoughts out to my livejournal.... to myself, to the small group of friends who knew my inner secrets. It's funny how similar I write like before, but it's been so long.
This is just a test.
I forgot what it's like to breathe my own air and create my own space. Living in a dream-like world I created for myself. I missed movies. I missed film. The sweet escape of leaving your world and diving into another. Feeling a little less for a little time more. I forgot how important movies were to me. I forgot how much I loved writing. It lets me travel into another world of myself. When I was younger, I thought I would be able to dive so much deeper than my words. Today...I feel it's all I have.
I have been thinking a lot since Shepherd's passing. It has left a profound sadness in my life...and one that I cannot fully understand. As a month has passed, it makes me sad to think that it is something we move forward with. I know that such is life...but, isn't it sad? I wish I could travel backwards and say hi to him again. I wish I could see grillson again. It's a strange feeling knowing that this certain light won't ever turn on again for you the way it had before. To think... just one campout ago, I met grillson at the pit. And now, those texts I send won't ever be responded to.
Another string of thoughts that has been on my mind is Joseph and campout and the difference a year makes. One year ago, stumbling upon my very first campout, I went with someone who I couldn't truly be myself. I hid him from all of my friends and I hid from the truth. This year, all I could think about was how happy I was to be with somene I actually love and am happy to be with and proud to stand next to. I saw Joseph there and felt very sad for him.
Anyways....
This was only a test