Fat Camp
I posted this entry on xanga yesterday and felt like posting it here. After some thought, I don't care if it's public. This is part of my story and writing this helped me, hopefully reading this will help someone out there.
While doing my nails last night, I watched this documentary on MTV about teenagers going to fat camp. Most of it was petty teenage spats, but seeing the challenges that a lot of them have to go through due to their weight, and knowing what got them there was compelling to me. I related to them. Especially with this one girl who is a diabetic and trying to loose those "last 10 lbs" through obsessive exercise and settling with an unloving relationship. She reminded me of...myself. Actually most of the girls did because I was in different stages of battling my weight when I was in high school. I went through the, "I'm fat, and don't want to do anything about it except complain" stage, which was quickly followed by the "I'm SO fat and I'm going to cry myself to sleep every night" stage. I was not very overweight as some of the campers, but I was overweight and extremely awkward. As an Asian girl in the suburbs, and being told my entire life that I was bigger than the "normal" Asian girl by my own family, I tried to survive my mental battles. I always wore baggy clothes to hide myself and built a wall around me by being cold and blunt all the time. It's safe to assume that I hated high school.
For the record, I never had an eatinig disorder, just a problem. And most of the pain I felt being over weight was because of my parents. Dad would say straight out that I was fat, and mom would tell me that in a professional environment, they need someone who looks presentable at all times, and you couldn't be over weight. It was the worst when I was dating my ex and mom thought I needed to build my self-esteem by losing weight. She thought the only reason why I was with my ex was because I didn't have self confidence and didn't realize I can do better. Anyways, she would be on my case every week about it, and I caved in and asked for gym membership to Bally's for my birthday present, just to shut her up. I was so tired of it. I got hooked up with a trainer and went to the gym religiously. Then I went a bit over board and got obsessive. Even though I looked the best I ever did in my life, I was completely miserable because my self-esteem was based on something so fickle as weight. I was happy being smaller, but I wasn't mentally healthy and that is so much worse. I don't regret the training and knowledge I gained because it at least disciplined me into living a physically healthy lifestyle.
After some time of insane training schedules, dieting, working, taking night courses, I slowly had to let it all go and be more confirmed in Him rather than my body. That's when I realized that I had a problem and needed to accept that I'm completely temporary. Everything about me is temporary and changes (good or bad) will happen, whether it be jobs, weight, age, lifestyle, etc., and I don't have complete control of it. It's my not will that prevails.
That's why I was so drawn into this documentary. I wanted to see the whole thing but it was getting really late. I relate to the campers and wished I could have been a camp counselor to help them along the way. I never had positive or encouraging support when I was their age, that's why I didn't do anything throughout high school and most of college. I never been to fat camp, or any camp of that matter. But if I had the chance to go at their age, I would experience the same pain and frustration. That's the traumatic part of the process of losing weight, the frustration. Even as adults it's hard to swallow up and for teenagers, it can be horrific. I still battle with my weight, and catch myself stressing over my "weekend food". I see it more often now with capoeira because of the uniforms and the tendency of the girls wearing small tops. I'm still working on my weight demons and slowly accepting how my body is built. There is one thing seeking acceptance of others, but when it's from yourself, you're fighting a warped fun house mirror. It's definitely a process but I am thankful that I'm at least healthy, grounded in an exercise regimen and knowing what my problems are to start solving them.
*News Update* The interview with Massage Envy last night went very well. They hired me on the spot. =) The pay is less than half of what I make now, but that is temporary until the branch builds up their clientel and business. After a few months the comissions and bonuses will kick in, which will put me over to the $11-13/hr range. I know that switching to part time would be sacrifice, but a temporary one. A lot of my expenses will be less too, mostly gas and food. I'm so glad that I found something so quick, local and relaxing for me. Also getting discounted massages is a good perk.