(no subject)
reading emily's lj entry about freshman orientation brings me back to my orientation...
i remember being so excited and so lost and so amazed with everything. i had gone with no expectations...gone with the feeling that "oh well...i don't really want to go here...but whatever...sd is lost to me" and then i remember sitting in front of royce hall at sunset...looking up at the illuminated buildings of the quad and thinking...wow... maybe la isn't soo bad after all... i remember meeting all these new people and thinking...wow... new guys! (forget the girls...wasn't really interested in meeting many of them anyways...except for val...she was the best...) and i remember thinking... wow... and being in awe of everything.
then zero week...after getting over the initial homesickness...having an amazing time realizing that you don't need to do anything you don't want, you don't need to go to bed at a specific time...and best of all...you can hang out with the guys all night. (that was seriously the BEST part...hahah)
then school starts...you still enjoy it, but then you realize that sooner or later...going to class is inevitable...at least if you don't want to waste the 20K+ that you are spending a year on the school...wake up! honeymoon is over. you aren't able to get into the classes you want... fees keep hiking... and wow...the guys...not so gorgeous anymore. oh don't get me wrong...it's fun...for a while...then its like...no car, no place to go...and the food...frankly...i just stopped eating... even westwood gets old...really. still fun to hang out with the guys...sorta...until everyone gets busy...and finals week...forget it...for some reason, i was the ONLY one not stressing about them...which meant everyone else had spent at least the past two weeks stressing about them and were in no mood to go or do anything. hahah...and the best part about that...for the lack of caring and studying i did...i probably did better than half of those who stressed.
somehow...i'm excited about going back to school...but only because i really have nothing else to do at home. otherwise...i feel pretty empty i suppose. sure i made friends...but somehow...i still feel like there is something missing from it all. that...and for some reason...it feels like...nothing could really surprise me about the school...sure there are perks...free sneaks...celebrities...movie premiers...things like that...but there still remains a void to be filled. maybe i just need to get more involved with everything. i don't know.
sad... when did i become so jaded?
plus...for some reason...once you kinda learn the system...it's like...what else is there?
having said that tho...enjoy your freshman year emily...make sure you try EVERYTHING at least once! otherwise...you'll probably end up regretting things like me...although, having said that...i really don't regret that much...i just wish i had done a few things a little differently...been more open to change... and been even more agressive.
talked to eugene the other day...he said i sounded different...haha...my voice was huskier...lmao...and my personality was different...i'm sure what he was trying to say was that i was no longer the "goody goody student" that he always thought i was. he just couldn't place it...haha. one thing is for sure... i'm definitely not the same person i was a year ago... not that that is a good or bad thing...i think i'm just kinda adjusting to being more comfortable with myself and being in my skin. and i know a lot of people won't understand...and trust me...this isn't a rebellious phase... i'm not trying to pull a 180 on all of you guys. i'm still the person you knew...but i'm also learning to be more my own person...i'm also learning to care more about my opinion of myself rather than others. instead of putting everyone else first, it's time to put myself first...at least some of the time. if i learned anything this year...i must say that i've learned that it really isn't a matter of what the world thinks about you and your actions...as long as you take responsibility for your actions. you don't need to justify yourself to anyone. and as much of a people-pleaser i am... and as much as i put other people's needs before my own, this year...i've started to put myself first. still working on it...but at least it's a start.
"at the end of the day...nobody cares....nobody cares"
on a side note... why is it that i open myself to being hurt all the time? why don't i learn to stay away from trouble? haha....because life is more fun that way... and as masochistic as this sounds... you don't really live by playing it safe all the time...keeping yourself from being hurt doesn't help you in the long run. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? in my case... it only prepares me for the next heartbreak, the next rough spot, the next difficulty. but having said that...i hurt just as much as the next person...damn...
it's all good,...this next year is all about focusing on me...but for some damn reason...all the guys show up when i'm happily single... arghh....!!! i love to hate all of you.