an update of everything Sid
WARNING: THIS IS GOING TO BE ONE LONG POST! ITZ KINDA VENTING/RANTY SO IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE YOU WANT TO READ IT, DON'T! OTHERWISE, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!
i must say that this past 2 weeks has definitely been "eventful" to say the least... going through a rollercoaster of emotions, from wanting to have no contact with anyone to just wanting someone to be there and just listen to the ranting and the raving and at the end not say anything but just be there. i am so thankful for all the people who have sent words of encouragement... i was telling a friend of mine how surprised i was at some of the people who sent me e-mails coz i wouldn't expect them to e-mail me and at some people who i expected would e-mail me but didn't. at first, i said that i didn't really have any expectations that people would e-mail me but judging from the reaction i'm having when i haven't heard word from them, i think a part of me wants them to e-mail me (aka i have expectations). i'm glad that this happened probly for the pure reason that it gives me a really good idea who my friends are. some people rose to the ocassion and some people baffled me. shelly, you know how we often talk about friends and their realness... well times like this really gives you a good glimpse of who's gonna be there for you when you need it the most.
from the beginning....
i wanted to go do something with a friend of mine on March 18, so i checked my e-mail just to see if he e-mailed me back. i have gmail notifier so i saw that he e-mailed me and he said that he couldn't come. for those of you who don't know about the gmail notifier, it shows the sender and a line from the subject field. the next line that i saw grabbed my attention: Sid, this is the hardest e-mail for me to write. i was not able to see the sender and so i started panicking. in the small group that i'm leading, one of the things that we do to hold each other accountable is if they're ever going through any struggles at all, to just e-mail or call anyone of us, so that we can pray for them and support them. so i'm racking my brains thinking of who this person could be and what happened to them. but as i opened the letter, i realized that it wasn't one of my boys... it was from Headquarters alerting me to the fact that i was not accepted. Here's the letter...
Sid,
This is a very hard email for me to write, because I have to tell you that we are not accepting you for a STINT. Besides having a heart for God and a teachable attitude, some of the most important things we look for are the ability to adapt quickly, work well within a team and relate well to all kinds of people.
As I was going through your application material, it became apparent that your references were conflicting, in that they didn’t agree or see you the same way. I talked to others who knew you on the project and got some additional references on you. It seems that while you work well with some people, you do not work well with all people. This is very important, because we need interns and staff that can work with a broad range of people. An area of growth for you seems to be in speaking with tact and sensitivity to others’ feelings. In a cross-cultural setting this is even more important than in one’s own culture.
Also, it seems that adapting to new situations is not easy for you. This is also very important in an overseas assignment. Interns need to be able to fit in quickly with their team and their new environment.
We are also looking for people who can work with a minimal amount of supervision or accountability. This also seems to be an area of growth for you.
Sid, I hope you don’t conclude that you are not a valuable person or that you cannot serve God or have a ministry. That is not true! God has plans for you and also a plan for your development. He definitely wants you to serve him and minister to others. It could be that a full-time ministry is in the future for you. Only God knows. But in the meantime, I encourage you to continue to cultivate your relationship with God, share Christ with those you come into contact with and pass on what you know to build up younger believers. I encourage you to seek out a mature Christian to mentor you and ask that person how you can grow and develop.
May God direct your steps as you remain available to him.
I know this is not easy to hear, and I decided to email you so that you can process it. If you want to discuss this with me, you may call me next week at the 1-800 number below.
Blessings,
Marilyn
i've been wrestling with even posting that letter. i could just say what the letter said but it would seem subjective. i was also just gonna add the necessary parts but i don't want to give the impression that that's all they wrote. and i hate referring to a letter that only i know the contents of because when i hear that from another person, it makes me question if there are hidden connotations that only live in that person's mind when they talk about the contents of the letter. i'm human and i may be reading more into what they have told me than otherwise stated. and, quite honestly, it's a very humiliating experience. and i mean that in the most positive way of "humiliating" ever. this is a humbling experience to say the least.
that afternoon, my friend asked me to come over for a chocolate fondue thing at their place so i went. and she was asking me about STINT and if i heard from them yet and i said "well, i'll hear from them when i hear from them". i wasn't really prepared to talk about it and i didn't want to talk about it...but i also didn't want to lie. the next day, i went to city church and afterwards went to East Side Mario's where another friend was asking about STINT and if the got back to me yet. And then, Sunday came. Sunday's sermon was crazy encouraging... it was about discerning God's will and understanding His signals. but the first verse that the pastor said almost made me burst into tears right on the spot
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all you ways acknowledge Him and He will make thy paths straight"
- Prov. 3:5-6
one of the things that i actually thought of when i received the letter was "oh God, i thought STINT was big... but i guess it's not big enough for you... i wonder what bigger and better plans You have for me". i know that when God closes doors itz because of 2 things: i'm not big enough for the vision or the vision is too small for me.
sunday evening's sermon was "how to stay positive under pressure". i thought that was hilarious. afterwards, we had a young adults social at a friend's place and one of the guys at my small groups was asking how my weekend was. i said not exactly the best. and then he asked me straight out if its about my STINT application and if i have heard from them. that was too direct a hit... so i went with the whole ummm...i can't really talk about it right now, but give me some time and i'll talk about it. and then he re-asked how my STINT application was. and the flight response kicked into gear at that point. lolz. later on, a bunch of us were talking about my fear of mice and the children's pastor at my church was there and said "well, you're gonna have to deal with that when you go overseas". that was brutal. i woke up monday and i was just telling God that i'm losing it... i hate what's going on, i don't even want to be in the job that i'm in because i think i suck... i hope they kick me out blah blah blah. so i go to work and one of the doctors asks to speak to me. so he proceeded to tell me that i basically had my 2 weeks notice kinda thing. and then he asks me, so what are your plans? are you still going overseas for missions? ugh! i went home and talked to my friend and told her that i got my 2 weeks notice and then she said "well 4 more months and you'll be overseas". that just about did it for me. i told her that i wasn't accepted for STINT. she even asked me if it was a joke and i told her i don't joke about stuff like that. that day, i told my accountability partner and my mentor (who's my young adults pastor as well) about it. and the whole world coz i blogged about it.
i think that if they gave me reasons that i could agree with for not accepting me, it would've been easier to have closure. but i really just couldn't understand where they were coming from with the whole i can't work well with some people. whenever i have mentioned that to the people i know, they're pretty baffled. i told my co-worker that and she said "but you're so easy to get along with". she was also my work reference. i told another friend of mine that and she said that that was the one thing that she emphasized on her reference form about me was the fact that i can work with anyone. another reference of mine was explaining me to someone and said that i was a person who knows what's usually going on because i take the time to know people. plus, i took psych, i know that if the team can't work properly, we all suffer. if you're a slacker, i'm gonna pick up your slack. and then i start thinking, even if they talk to people in OEX, what do they know about my ability to work well because i didn't work with a single person in OEX. it just wasn't that kind of a set-up where you have to work with others because itz such a personalized thing. you do your thing then you get back to your group. and with the whole working well under minimal supervision or no supervision at all, i was surprised because i'm a perfectionist so i have all the supervision i need. if anything, the more you supervise me, the more detrimental it is to my work. i don't know how you can graduate from university with honours if you can't work well under minimal or no supervision at all. and last year, i was the prayer coordinator, worship leader, Unity Committee representative, Communication Liaison and advisor to the KSL (fancy way of saying i was his accountability partner) and WE DON'T HAVE STAFF! and that's not even adding the things that i was doing with my church. in short, i don't think i would do all of that if i couldn't work well under minimal or no supervision at all. these were the things i actually told Headquarters coz i ended up talking to her and just asking. clarification on these things. didn't really get much, but that's ok. i was thinking about this whole thing and said to myself, if the decision was the opposite and they did accept me, would i be thinking about this situation this much. would i think "are you sure you haven't looked at all the bad stuff coz that may affect my ministry?": and a talk with one of my froshies was really good at just letting it go. that talk was really good at just examining my actions and my emotions about this whole situation. i know you don't read this but Phil, I love you bro!
so where am i right now? well, i'm out of a job and memory stick is still lost. i fasted and prayed for 3 days for a memory stick and nothing happened. please pray for me because there's a part of me that's losing faith and thinking that that time was a complete waste of time because i didn't get my memory stick. i might as well not have fasted and prayed. and then my devotion pretty much smacked me upside the head after having such thoughts. i love Oswald Chambers!!!
taking the next week to just re-focus and spend quality time with God. right now, i am completely lost and i have no idea what direction i'm heading in. unless He tells me what to do, i have no clue as to what i'm doing next. i was thinking of travelling for a month but i have other commitments that i can't just leave. one of the guys at my small groups just helped me open my eyes i guess to see things that i don't see. he was just saying that i shouldn't feel bad about not getting in to STINT because they (the small group) are my mission field. he was talking about how i was put there to help the crippled ones and how they look to me as a leader. i think i always knew that i was a leader (partly because i was the one leading the small group to begin with) but underestimated the impact i have on these guys. and that word of encouragement was a good reminder that when i start thinking that my life is useless, i can say that it wasn't in vain because there were all these people that in a small way, i have impacted.
a bunch of people have asked me what they could pray for and i always said that i have peace with the decision but not peace with the situation. i think i'm truly starting to have peace with the whole situation. thanks yall for your words of encouragement. you will never know how much they were greatly appreciated.
and lydia, thanks.
and if you read all of that and actually believed it, let me remind you that you, dear reader, are a fool. APRIL FOOLS!!!
JOKE JOKE JOKE!!!
*the above contents are actually true. it was my lame attempt to liven up such a melodramatic post.*
or is it... :P
and scene...
i must say that this past 2 weeks has definitely been "eventful" to say the least... going through a rollercoaster of emotions, from wanting to have no contact with anyone to just wanting someone to be there and just listen to the ranting and the raving and at the end not say anything but just be there. i am so thankful for all the people who have sent words of encouragement... i was telling a friend of mine how surprised i was at some of the people who sent me e-mails coz i wouldn't expect them to e-mail me and at some people who i expected would e-mail me but didn't. at first, i said that i didn't really have any expectations that people would e-mail me but judging from the reaction i'm having when i haven't heard word from them, i think a part of me wants them to e-mail me (aka i have expectations). i'm glad that this happened probly for the pure reason that it gives me a really good idea who my friends are. some people rose to the ocassion and some people baffled me. shelly, you know how we often talk about friends and their realness... well times like this really gives you a good glimpse of who's gonna be there for you when you need it the most.
from the beginning....
i wanted to go do something with a friend of mine on March 18, so i checked my e-mail just to see if he e-mailed me back. i have gmail notifier so i saw that he e-mailed me and he said that he couldn't come. for those of you who don't know about the gmail notifier, it shows the sender and a line from the subject field. the next line that i saw grabbed my attention: Sid, this is the hardest e-mail for me to write. i was not able to see the sender and so i started panicking. in the small group that i'm leading, one of the things that we do to hold each other accountable is if they're ever going through any struggles at all, to just e-mail or call anyone of us, so that we can pray for them and support them. so i'm racking my brains thinking of who this person could be and what happened to them. but as i opened the letter, i realized that it wasn't one of my boys... it was from Headquarters alerting me to the fact that i was not accepted. Here's the letter...
Sid,
This is a very hard email for me to write, because I have to tell you that we are not accepting you for a STINT. Besides having a heart for God and a teachable attitude, some of the most important things we look for are the ability to adapt quickly, work well within a team and relate well to all kinds of people.
As I was going through your application material, it became apparent that your references were conflicting, in that they didn’t agree or see you the same way. I talked to others who knew you on the project and got some additional references on you. It seems that while you work well with some people, you do not work well with all people. This is very important, because we need interns and staff that can work with a broad range of people. An area of growth for you seems to be in speaking with tact and sensitivity to others’ feelings. In a cross-cultural setting this is even more important than in one’s own culture.
Also, it seems that adapting to new situations is not easy for you. This is also very important in an overseas assignment. Interns need to be able to fit in quickly with their team and their new environment.
We are also looking for people who can work with a minimal amount of supervision or accountability. This also seems to be an area of growth for you.
Sid, I hope you don’t conclude that you are not a valuable person or that you cannot serve God or have a ministry. That is not true! God has plans for you and also a plan for your development. He definitely wants you to serve him and minister to others. It could be that a full-time ministry is in the future for you. Only God knows. But in the meantime, I encourage you to continue to cultivate your relationship with God, share Christ with those you come into contact with and pass on what you know to build up younger believers. I encourage you to seek out a mature Christian to mentor you and ask that person how you can grow and develop.
May God direct your steps as you remain available to him.
I know this is not easy to hear, and I decided to email you so that you can process it. If you want to discuss this with me, you may call me next week at the 1-800 number below.
Blessings,
Marilyn
i've been wrestling with even posting that letter. i could just say what the letter said but it would seem subjective. i was also just gonna add the necessary parts but i don't want to give the impression that that's all they wrote. and i hate referring to a letter that only i know the contents of because when i hear that from another person, it makes me question if there are hidden connotations that only live in that person's mind when they talk about the contents of the letter. i'm human and i may be reading more into what they have told me than otherwise stated. and, quite honestly, it's a very humiliating experience. and i mean that in the most positive way of "humiliating" ever. this is a humbling experience to say the least.
that afternoon, my friend asked me to come over for a chocolate fondue thing at their place so i went. and she was asking me about STINT and if i heard from them yet and i said "well, i'll hear from them when i hear from them". i wasn't really prepared to talk about it and i didn't want to talk about it...but i also didn't want to lie. the next day, i went to city church and afterwards went to East Side Mario's where another friend was asking about STINT and if the got back to me yet. And then, Sunday came. Sunday's sermon was crazy encouraging... it was about discerning God's will and understanding His signals. but the first verse that the pastor said almost made me burst into tears right on the spot
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all you ways acknowledge Him and He will make thy paths straight"
- Prov. 3:5-6
one of the things that i actually thought of when i received the letter was "oh God, i thought STINT was big... but i guess it's not big enough for you... i wonder what bigger and better plans You have for me". i know that when God closes doors itz because of 2 things: i'm not big enough for the vision or the vision is too small for me.
sunday evening's sermon was "how to stay positive under pressure". i thought that was hilarious. afterwards, we had a young adults social at a friend's place and one of the guys at my small groups was asking how my weekend was. i said not exactly the best. and then he asked me straight out if its about my STINT application and if i have heard from them. that was too direct a hit... so i went with the whole ummm...i can't really talk about it right now, but give me some time and i'll talk about it. and then he re-asked how my STINT application was. and the flight response kicked into gear at that point. lolz. later on, a bunch of us were talking about my fear of mice and the children's pastor at my church was there and said "well, you're gonna have to deal with that when you go overseas". that was brutal. i woke up monday and i was just telling God that i'm losing it... i hate what's going on, i don't even want to be in the job that i'm in because i think i suck... i hope they kick me out blah blah blah. so i go to work and one of the doctors asks to speak to me. so he proceeded to tell me that i basically had my 2 weeks notice kinda thing. and then he asks me, so what are your plans? are you still going overseas for missions? ugh! i went home and talked to my friend and told her that i got my 2 weeks notice and then she said "well 4 more months and you'll be overseas". that just about did it for me. i told her that i wasn't accepted for STINT. she even asked me if it was a joke and i told her i don't joke about stuff like that. that day, i told my accountability partner and my mentor (who's my young adults pastor as well) about it. and the whole world coz i blogged about it.
i think that if they gave me reasons that i could agree with for not accepting me, it would've been easier to have closure. but i really just couldn't understand where they were coming from with the whole i can't work well with some people. whenever i have mentioned that to the people i know, they're pretty baffled. i told my co-worker that and she said "but you're so easy to get along with". she was also my work reference. i told another friend of mine that and she said that that was the one thing that she emphasized on her reference form about me was the fact that i can work with anyone. another reference of mine was explaining me to someone and said that i was a person who knows what's usually going on because i take the time to know people. plus, i took psych, i know that if the team can't work properly, we all suffer. if you're a slacker, i'm gonna pick up your slack. and then i start thinking, even if they talk to people in OEX, what do they know about my ability to work well because i didn't work with a single person in OEX. it just wasn't that kind of a set-up where you have to work with others because itz such a personalized thing. you do your thing then you get back to your group. and with the whole working well under minimal supervision or no supervision at all, i was surprised because i'm a perfectionist so i have all the supervision i need. if anything, the more you supervise me, the more detrimental it is to my work. i don't know how you can graduate from university with honours if you can't work well under minimal or no supervision at all. and last year, i was the prayer coordinator, worship leader, Unity Committee representative, Communication Liaison and advisor to the KSL (fancy way of saying i was his accountability partner) and WE DON'T HAVE STAFF! and that's not even adding the things that i was doing with my church. in short, i don't think i would do all of that if i couldn't work well under minimal or no supervision at all. these were the things i actually told Headquarters coz i ended up talking to her and just asking. clarification on these things. didn't really get much, but that's ok. i was thinking about this whole thing and said to myself, if the decision was the opposite and they did accept me, would i be thinking about this situation this much. would i think "are you sure you haven't looked at all the bad stuff coz that may affect my ministry?": and a talk with one of my froshies was really good at just letting it go. that talk was really good at just examining my actions and my emotions about this whole situation. i know you don't read this but Phil, I love you bro!
so where am i right now? well, i'm out of a job and memory stick is still lost. i fasted and prayed for 3 days for a memory stick and nothing happened. please pray for me because there's a part of me that's losing faith and thinking that that time was a complete waste of time because i didn't get my memory stick. i might as well not have fasted and prayed. and then my devotion pretty much smacked me upside the head after having such thoughts. i love Oswald Chambers!!!
taking the next week to just re-focus and spend quality time with God. right now, i am completely lost and i have no idea what direction i'm heading in. unless He tells me what to do, i have no clue as to what i'm doing next. i was thinking of travelling for a month but i have other commitments that i can't just leave. one of the guys at my small groups just helped me open my eyes i guess to see things that i don't see. he was just saying that i shouldn't feel bad about not getting in to STINT because they (the small group) are my mission field. he was talking about how i was put there to help the crippled ones and how they look to me as a leader. i think i always knew that i was a leader (partly because i was the one leading the small group to begin with) but underestimated the impact i have on these guys. and that word of encouragement was a good reminder that when i start thinking that my life is useless, i can say that it wasn't in vain because there were all these people that in a small way, i have impacted.
a bunch of people have asked me what they could pray for and i always said that i have peace with the decision but not peace with the situation. i think i'm truly starting to have peace with the whole situation. thanks yall for your words of encouragement. you will never know how much they were greatly appreciated.
and lydia, thanks.
and if you read all of that and actually believed it, let me remind you that you, dear reader, are a fool. APRIL FOOLS!!!
JOKE JOKE JOKE!!!
*the above contents are actually true. it was my lame attempt to liven up such a melodramatic post.*
or is it... :P
and scene...