심혼
There's this feeling that's escaping from my chest. And even though it's bursting out, it never really leaves me. Because it keeps me drowning. Drowning in life and drowning in everything I do. There's so many bittersweet feelings lately...
Like how the ground underneath me has suddenly shattered, and I am left to be swiftly carried down the current without being able to choose a direction. Or maybe I've always been in the water, just before I was in a boat that I was able to steer. It hurts, deeper than it has hurt before. I guess I always carried this sadness, just now it has cut deeper and there isn't anything to stop the pain. The tranquilizer is gone and has been replaced with tears that surprise me by showing up in public. Maybe not being able to predict what will happen next is what hurts the most.
But I have grown up so much, so this shouldn't surprise me. To an outsider it would seem like this has been going on for only a year, but that would be a lie. It has been going on for years, and it's slowly forced me to grow up. That was always the reason why I was more mature than my classmates. Because of a constant fear in the back of my mind. A constant worry that when I got home, there would only be two people to welcome me home, not three. An eight year old's world changes dramatically when that happens.
But that never made me the crybaby. It made me tougher. I realized how much I had to hide my fragility, I had to hide my trust. It scared me that the next person I let into my little circle would be the one who would hurt me. Because the closest people to me know all my secrets, hold all my trust, and lie deep in my heart. And I'm a very fragile person, even when I don't seem to be.
I've never been strong, not on my own. People think I am, and I try to be. Because I want to be the one everyone can lean on. But I have my moments when I need to forget about the world and everyone else's problems and just collapse. Collapse into someone else's arms and collapse into my emotions and let everything out so I'm not a rushing torrent, but rather, a quiet steady flow.
There's a sweetness to all the sadness. I'm not one who is pessimistic often. I get stronger, and I learn how to deal. I'm grateful for all the hurt, because each tear taught me a lesson. A lesson about being careful with who you lay your heart with. A lesson of individuality. A lesson of growing up with yourself and with God for guidance. A lesson of being weak around other people. Without everything I've gone through, I wouldn't be who I am today. And that would be the greatest mistake of my life.
Like how the ground underneath me has suddenly shattered, and I am left to be swiftly carried down the current without being able to choose a direction. Or maybe I've always been in the water, just before I was in a boat that I was able to steer. It hurts, deeper than it has hurt before. I guess I always carried this sadness, just now it has cut deeper and there isn't anything to stop the pain. The tranquilizer is gone and has been replaced with tears that surprise me by showing up in public. Maybe not being able to predict what will happen next is what hurts the most.
But I have grown up so much, so this shouldn't surprise me. To an outsider it would seem like this has been going on for only a year, but that would be a lie. It has been going on for years, and it's slowly forced me to grow up. That was always the reason why I was more mature than my classmates. Because of a constant fear in the back of my mind. A constant worry that when I got home, there would only be two people to welcome me home, not three. An eight year old's world changes dramatically when that happens.
But that never made me the crybaby. It made me tougher. I realized how much I had to hide my fragility, I had to hide my trust. It scared me that the next person I let into my little circle would be the one who would hurt me. Because the closest people to me know all my secrets, hold all my trust, and lie deep in my heart. And I'm a very fragile person, even when I don't seem to be.
I've never been strong, not on my own. People think I am, and I try to be. Because I want to be the one everyone can lean on. But I have my moments when I need to forget about the world and everyone else's problems and just collapse. Collapse into someone else's arms and collapse into my emotions and let everything out so I'm not a rushing torrent, but rather, a quiet steady flow.
There's a sweetness to all the sadness. I'm not one who is pessimistic often. I get stronger, and I learn how to deal. I'm grateful for all the hurt, because each tear taught me a lesson. A lesson about being careful with who you lay your heart with. A lesson of individuality. A lesson of growing up with yourself and with God for guidance. A lesson of being weak around other people. Without everything I've gone through, I wouldn't be who I am today. And that would be the greatest mistake of my life.