"Can you tell me that everything will be okay?"
[Taking a break from reading before I run to watch the Amazing Race which is already on]
This has been on my mind for the last few days and I need to write this down. Even if it's more for my own benefit.
Essentially, the fact of the matter is that things aren't quite working out the way I want them to with Lee. (aka the boyfriend) It's not like I'm looking for the perfect relationship or anything, but I know something isn't right...
In general, we have a pretty good relationship. We can talk to each other about random stuff, hang around and not feel like we have to fill the air with conversation, do other things. And, I'm personally happy about this. I really can't complain. Although, I do feel we don't see each other enough nor do we talk about anything deeper than what we did in the last few days that we can remember and care to share. When I put it that way, it sounds rather sad. But, like I said, I really can't complain.
I guess my doubts and fears all started when George (what a lovely character of good news, he is) told me that Lee had spoken to him and felt that we weren't emotionally connected. He felt emotionally distant really. Frankly, I understand where he comes from, since we don't really see each other nor talk on the phone to become that emotionally connected in the first place. Really, all it does need is work in the communication department.
Anyways, I was speaking to Aaron about this, since it's never something you'd like to hear. The only reason I was really discussing this with him, was since he was good friends to the both of us, I was hoping he could ease my mind. He saw fit to butt his nose (*giggles* that's a funny way of putting it) and I'm assuming he called Lee and told him, since Lee called me later that evening to discuss this. Which we did, it wasn't exaclty the most productive conversation, but I think he got his point across. However, what irked me the most was that he told me: I really don't know what I'm looking for right now, but I'm happy. (cuz that makes everything better!) Now I understand what he means in terms of not knowing what he wants, but this whole, but i'm happy part isn't exactly the piece of ambrosia. (I'm full of metaphors tonight) *shrugs* whatever the case, it satisfied me.
On Saturday, (his birthday party: read previous post) things were okay and I was happy. Meaning, that what ever was bugging me before, wasn't anymore. Peace of mind had been fulfilled.
Needless to say, I spoke to soon. I saw him again last Friday. By chance, as we never see each other on campus. Hell, I see people I haven't seen in years on Campus more. which ultimately sucks, but there isn't anything you can do about it. So anyways, back to Friday. So we see each other and it hit me after awhile that something wasn't right. Don't ask me what exactly wasn't right, but I could feel it in my heart. Now I can't really explain it, but it was like something was wrong, very wrong. I can tell you that it isn't the best feeling in the world. It was like there was a strain. I guess you could put into account that there was a whole bunch of us, but still. I know how it feels in either situation, and I did not like what I felt then.
I've been thinking about this and I don't like it at all. Personally, I don't like this strain and I want to know what's going on. Not knowing has got my mind running a marathon and a half. I'd like to know what's going on and I really need to talk to him. I don't know what I can do to fix this. Somehow I feel like I'm running a losing battle by looking too much into this, but yet I know something's wrong.
I've come to a conclusion, which isn't definite, that I'm not particularly happy about, but it's something that I'm willing to do. Call it my ultimate sacrifice. Before I get to what it is, let me explain my reasoning behind it. So he says that he's not sure what he wants, but he's happy. And that's really the main reason why I'm thinking about all of this. And, I'm not sure about this, but if he's not sure what he wants he definitely needs to go and try to figure out what it is. Now, because of this, I don't want to hold him back, I want him to be happy and figure out what it is he wants. And if I am holding him back, I don't want to do that. Hence, why I want to put this card on the table. Since, I don't want to hold him back and be that person who is. You could say that I'm willing to set him free (so to speak) to give him that chance. Basically I'll break up with him so that he can go find himself or whatever it is that he wants.
It sounds like a drastic course of action, but I'm considering this. Now I'm definitely putting that "card" on the table, but I can't put that card on the table unless I talk to him. And there are so many things we need to discuss. I want him to know whats on my mind and I want to know what's on his mind. We need a good sit down and talk time. Whatever results from this, I'd like it to be the best. Now, if it results in my card being used, I'm definitely going to be upset about it, but I know it'll be for the best.
I just had a thought, when I was talking to Giovanna and I'm thinking that this missing/weirdness feeling that I'm getting when we were together may be because of what happened at his house on Saturday. I mean, I'm sure it wasn't the best thing to see/hear your own friend from whem you were kids hit on your girlfriend. And it's not like I told him "Hey, look buddy I have a boyfriend and he helped pull you outta the pool, so don't get any ideas." Even still, I sure that wasn't exactly going to do much. But getting back on topic. I'm thinking that maybe it was because of this incident that he felt... "weird" so to speak. Now,I can see where he's coming from, as I'm not the happiest camper everytime I see someone hit on my boyfriend. Not that I can blame them of course ^_~
Even still, the main thing I need to do right now is talk to him. I really don't want to lose him, but if I do I'd rather lose him this way then any other way...
This has been on my mind for the last few days and I need to write this down. Even if it's more for my own benefit.
Essentially, the fact of the matter is that things aren't quite working out the way I want them to with Lee. (aka the boyfriend) It's not like I'm looking for the perfect relationship or anything, but I know something isn't right...
In general, we have a pretty good relationship. We can talk to each other about random stuff, hang around and not feel like we have to fill the air with conversation, do other things. And, I'm personally happy about this. I really can't complain. Although, I do feel we don't see each other enough nor do we talk about anything deeper than what we did in the last few days that we can remember and care to share. When I put it that way, it sounds rather sad. But, like I said, I really can't complain.
I guess my doubts and fears all started when George (what a lovely character of good news, he is) told me that Lee had spoken to him and felt that we weren't emotionally connected. He felt emotionally distant really. Frankly, I understand where he comes from, since we don't really see each other nor talk on the phone to become that emotionally connected in the first place. Really, all it does need is work in the communication department.
Anyways, I was speaking to Aaron about this, since it's never something you'd like to hear. The only reason I was really discussing this with him, was since he was good friends to the both of us, I was hoping he could ease my mind. He saw fit to butt his nose (*giggles* that's a funny way of putting it) and I'm assuming he called Lee and told him, since Lee called me later that evening to discuss this. Which we did, it wasn't exaclty the most productive conversation, but I think he got his point across. However, what irked me the most was that he told me: I really don't know what I'm looking for right now, but I'm happy. (cuz that makes everything better!) Now I understand what he means in terms of not knowing what he wants, but this whole, but i'm happy part isn't exactly the piece of ambrosia. (I'm full of metaphors tonight) *shrugs* whatever the case, it satisfied me.
On Saturday, (his birthday party: read previous post) things were okay and I was happy. Meaning, that what ever was bugging me before, wasn't anymore. Peace of mind had been fulfilled.
Needless to say, I spoke to soon. I saw him again last Friday. By chance, as we never see each other on campus. Hell, I see people I haven't seen in years on Campus more. which ultimately sucks, but there isn't anything you can do about it. So anyways, back to Friday. So we see each other and it hit me after awhile that something wasn't right. Don't ask me what exactly wasn't right, but I could feel it in my heart. Now I can't really explain it, but it was like something was wrong, very wrong. I can tell you that it isn't the best feeling in the world. It was like there was a strain. I guess you could put into account that there was a whole bunch of us, but still. I know how it feels in either situation, and I did not like what I felt then.
I've been thinking about this and I don't like it at all. Personally, I don't like this strain and I want to know what's going on. Not knowing has got my mind running a marathon and a half. I'd like to know what's going on and I really need to talk to him. I don't know what I can do to fix this. Somehow I feel like I'm running a losing battle by looking too much into this, but yet I know something's wrong.
I've come to a conclusion, which isn't definite, that I'm not particularly happy about, but it's something that I'm willing to do. Call it my ultimate sacrifice. Before I get to what it is, let me explain my reasoning behind it. So he says that he's not sure what he wants, but he's happy. And that's really the main reason why I'm thinking about all of this. And, I'm not sure about this, but if he's not sure what he wants he definitely needs to go and try to figure out what it is. Now, because of this, I don't want to hold him back, I want him to be happy and figure out what it is he wants. And if I am holding him back, I don't want to do that. Hence, why I want to put this card on the table. Since, I don't want to hold him back and be that person who is. You could say that I'm willing to set him free (so to speak) to give him that chance. Basically I'll break up with him so that he can go find himself or whatever it is that he wants.
It sounds like a drastic course of action, but I'm considering this. Now I'm definitely putting that "card" on the table, but I can't put that card on the table unless I talk to him. And there are so many things we need to discuss. I want him to know whats on my mind and I want to know what's on his mind. We need a good sit down and talk time. Whatever results from this, I'd like it to be the best. Now, if it results in my card being used, I'm definitely going to be upset about it, but I know it'll be for the best.
I just had a thought, when I was talking to Giovanna and I'm thinking that this missing/weirdness feeling that I'm getting when we were together may be because of what happened at his house on Saturday. I mean, I'm sure it wasn't the best thing to see/hear your own friend from whem you were kids hit on your girlfriend. And it's not like I told him "Hey, look buddy I have a boyfriend and he helped pull you outta the pool, so don't get any ideas." Even still, I sure that wasn't exactly going to do much. But getting back on topic. I'm thinking that maybe it was because of this incident that he felt... "weird" so to speak. Now,I can see where he's coming from, as I'm not the happiest camper everytime I see someone hit on my boyfriend. Not that I can blame them of course ^_~
Even still, the main thing I need to do right now is talk to him. I really don't want to lose him, but if I do I'd rather lose him this way then any other way...