I can't just get you out of my head.
I considered making a new journal, since I did not feel like blogging on myspace and having all those I know read my thoughts and disregard them as they generally did. I realized that I would not be able to check back on the progress that I have made throughout these four years, or three years, or however many years...and laugh at myself for it all.
My future is practically gone. Everything I have worked for has fell to pieces and I'm not quite sure what I will be doing with myself. I know I will be working two jobs and one of them full time, and next August... I assume that I will be living with Michael or something along the lines of it. For those that are not aware, Melissa and I do not converse anymore. I finally got the guts to say, 'Fuck it' and move on. Jon helped me through this a whole fucking lot.
The day that Michael almost believed Melissa was the day that I left with Jon on a drive to Cedar Park to get something for our work. He kept telling me that I needed to stop letting these people suck me dry and that if I was not happy with where I was or who I was with, I needed to quit and get out of there. He told me everything, and he knew exactly what it felt like to be so scared to let go of something that had always been there... He showed me what they were doing that happened to be wrong, and he scolded me for just accepting it. After an hour or so of driving down those country roads, he told me that if I needed to cry, then I better damn well do it. I just shook my head but after he dropped me off at work and hugged me bye, I sat down in the back office and started crying like I hadn't before. I never clocked back in.
I mean, I cried a lot.
Anyway.
Bought Michael an 80gb iPod.
Bought mom a Ralph Lauren sweater and a half(Michael split the second one with me, but I told her it was from him.)
Paid the phone bill.
I received some clothes, a ring(from him) and a Zune mp3 player. It's rather cool(as well as free.)
Can't buy Jesika and Jon anything until after Christmas.
I think I'll buy something for my cats, too.
Madeline seems to like minty things. :]
Michael has been crying a lot.
He says that it's not my fault but I always know that it is.
For some reason, only someone like me could make someone as amazing as him cry.
I think he's scared that he keeps hurting me and that I'm going to leave him...or something of the sort but
I can't make this boy realize that I am here right now, this is how I am, I don't plan on budging anytime soon.
I have broken so many ties with the male species these past three months.
Yeah.
My only friends are Jon and Jesika.
Funny shit is, I don't mind it being that way.
I think he gets mad at me for never 'wanting' anything. It's always, "If you say so," or "If that's what you want."
I can't help it.
There is nothing that I want.
That's a lie.
When I speak, I want someone to listen and tell me that it's alright, they know.
I don't want to be told to get over it. I want you to hold my hand and carry me through it.
That's what I want.
If only I could ever speak up.
My future is practically gone. Everything I have worked for has fell to pieces and I'm not quite sure what I will be doing with myself. I know I will be working two jobs and one of them full time, and next August... I assume that I will be living with Michael or something along the lines of it. For those that are not aware, Melissa and I do not converse anymore. I finally got the guts to say, 'Fuck it' and move on. Jon helped me through this a whole fucking lot.
The day that Michael almost believed Melissa was the day that I left with Jon on a drive to Cedar Park to get something for our work. He kept telling me that I needed to stop letting these people suck me dry and that if I was not happy with where I was or who I was with, I needed to quit and get out of there. He told me everything, and he knew exactly what it felt like to be so scared to let go of something that had always been there... He showed me what they were doing that happened to be wrong, and he scolded me for just accepting it. After an hour or so of driving down those country roads, he told me that if I needed to cry, then I better damn well do it. I just shook my head but after he dropped me off at work and hugged me bye, I sat down in the back office and started crying like I hadn't before. I never clocked back in.
I mean, I cried a lot.
Anyway.
Bought Michael an 80gb iPod.
Bought mom a Ralph Lauren sweater and a half(Michael split the second one with me, but I told her it was from him.)
Paid the phone bill.
I received some clothes, a ring(from him) and a Zune mp3 player. It's rather cool(as well as free.)
Can't buy Jesika and Jon anything until after Christmas.
I think I'll buy something for my cats, too.
Madeline seems to like minty things. :]
Michael has been crying a lot.
He says that it's not my fault but I always know that it is.
For some reason, only someone like me could make someone as amazing as him cry.
I think he's scared that he keeps hurting me and that I'm going to leave him...or something of the sort but
I can't make this boy realize that I am here right now, this is how I am, I don't plan on budging anytime soon.
I have broken so many ties with the male species these past three months.
Yeah.
My only friends are Jon and Jesika.
Funny shit is, I don't mind it being that way.
I think he gets mad at me for never 'wanting' anything. It's always, "If you say so," or "If that's what you want."
I can't help it.
There is nothing that I want.
That's a lie.
When I speak, I want someone to listen and tell me that it's alright, they know.
I don't want to be told to get over it. I want you to hold my hand and carry me through it.
That's what I want.
If only I could ever speak up.