"You tried and you failed miserably, the lesson is never to try."
Ahhhh Homer Simpson and his infinite wisdom. I feel like that today...I tried to work at my job and I failed miserably...I called out from work yesterday just because I didn't wanna fuckin' go. And honestly, I want to call them today and tell them I'm currently going through a medical crisis and I'm going to have to quit my job because it's too much stress on my "condition". I'm suppose to work today and the thought of it makes me ill. I've all ready spent 5 minutes in the bathroom drive heaving this morning and I'm only been awake for about 45 minutes! It's fuckin' crazy...I talked to dad about my issues with this job last night and he told me if I didn't like it, find something else and move on...but that I can't/shouldn't quit until I have another job lined up. Well, in a perfect world that makes complete sense...but see, in my situation right now, it doesn't. Because I have one week and one day left until I leave on vacation...so, I'm gonna have one more paycheck before I leave...which will be for around...$20. Then, I'll be gone a week...most likely forgetting half of the shit I've learned in the last 2 weeks simply because I don't give a damn about that place or anything to do with it...and then I'm suppose to pick right back up again after a week in paradise??? I may be dumb, but I ain't that stupid...it seems like all I'm doing is wasting my and their time...when they could be training someone that actually wants to be there, they are wasting it on me...and while I could be packing my suitcase and washing clothes to leave on vacation, I have to go and do something I know I'm just gonna quit when I come back from vacation. I all ready put two application in online for jobs in Frederick...I need to find the online newspaper for Gaithersburg or Hagerstown to expand my job search. it only took me a little under a month last time to get a job...so, I don't know how it could be harder this time...and Mom always helps me look for jobs and set up interviews...she's cool like that.
So, aside from the shit work has been putting me through, life has been pretty damn decent. The fact that I really, really....REALLY need this up coming vacation has never been clearer to me...I need a week to re-evaluate what I want to do with myself...my love life, my friends, my work, going back to school...I have a lot of things on my potienal plate...my future has never been cloudier. It seems like the only thing I can count on is time...and that it's going to keep moving on, with or without me. I've decided I need to impart that piece of knowledge not only to myself, but also to a friend of mine...that seems to think he's stuck in the past and that feeling sorry for himself and staying home alone all the time is a suitable punishment for a "crime" that he didn't commit. He runs from anything that makes him happy because he remembers what happiness brought him the last time...heartache. The pain he feels can't be real if no one sees him suffer...my heart breaks for him...and I'm not willing to let the good natured, fun loving, spirited person that I see him surpressing deep inside of himself fade away because no one else seems to care enough to pull him from his sadness. I do care...and I'm not going to give up on him because it seems like he, and everyone else that knows him denies that he's hurting or just doesn't give a damn enough to try anymore. He's ready to move on but holds himself down because he's unsure...and I'm not going to let that be his excuse anymore. No one should hold themselves down because the "what if" could end up bad...there is no point in living if you can't put your heart and soul on the line for the positive part of the "what if". I've always felt that way..."What if...?" is the hardest question to ever be faced with. And, I know that if I don't try...I'm still left asking "What if...?" As long as I try...rather I fail or succeed, I can never ask "what if..." because I'll all ready know the answer. I've seen my share of hurt because I always try my "what if" situation...but I've also seen my many days of happiness because of it...and I have no regrets and I think there's only ONE situation in my life right now that I'm still asking myself "What if...?" but ya know what...I tried, many times, and I think, despite how I feel, I all ready know the answer to my "what if"...a hard fact to face indeed...but, that situation had many years of days in the sun...and now it's time to move on. I know I'm being very criptic and that's okay...you don't need to understand...I do. I know exactly what I'm talking about and I feel better for getting it out of my mind and down onto something I can see and understand. What if tomorrow never comes? I would be very upset because their are people in this world that don't know how I feel about them...and I know that I'm living a life right now that I'm okay with, but I wouldn't want today to be my last day! And I should NEVER feel like that! I should be able to lay my head down at night and say to myself..."Okay, I lived today just the way I wanted to, and if I never wake up, I'm okay with that" And right now, I can't honestly do that...and that's been a hard pill for me to swallow everyday. I'm hoping going away will help me decide on how to approach the many situations I face...but I know Rome wasn't built in a day and I know that I'm not going to steer my life in the right direction in just a week...like I said, time will keep going...I just have to find a way to keep up...
~*Jen*~
So, aside from the shit work has been putting me through, life has been pretty damn decent. The fact that I really, really....REALLY need this up coming vacation has never been clearer to me...I need a week to re-evaluate what I want to do with myself...my love life, my friends, my work, going back to school...I have a lot of things on my potienal plate...my future has never been cloudier. It seems like the only thing I can count on is time...and that it's going to keep moving on, with or without me. I've decided I need to impart that piece of knowledge not only to myself, but also to a friend of mine...that seems to think he's stuck in the past and that feeling sorry for himself and staying home alone all the time is a suitable punishment for a "crime" that he didn't commit. He runs from anything that makes him happy because he remembers what happiness brought him the last time...heartache. The pain he feels can't be real if no one sees him suffer...my heart breaks for him...and I'm not willing to let the good natured, fun loving, spirited person that I see him surpressing deep inside of himself fade away because no one else seems to care enough to pull him from his sadness. I do care...and I'm not going to give up on him because it seems like he, and everyone else that knows him denies that he's hurting or just doesn't give a damn enough to try anymore. He's ready to move on but holds himself down because he's unsure...and I'm not going to let that be his excuse anymore. No one should hold themselves down because the "what if" could end up bad...there is no point in living if you can't put your heart and soul on the line for the positive part of the "what if". I've always felt that way..."What if...?" is the hardest question to ever be faced with. And, I know that if I don't try...I'm still left asking "What if...?" As long as I try...rather I fail or succeed, I can never ask "what if..." because I'll all ready know the answer. I've seen my share of hurt because I always try my "what if" situation...but I've also seen my many days of happiness because of it...and I have no regrets and I think there's only ONE situation in my life right now that I'm still asking myself "What if...?" but ya know what...I tried, many times, and I think, despite how I feel, I all ready know the answer to my "what if"...a hard fact to face indeed...but, that situation had many years of days in the sun...and now it's time to move on. I know I'm being very criptic and that's okay...you don't need to understand...I do. I know exactly what I'm talking about and I feel better for getting it out of my mind and down onto something I can see and understand. What if tomorrow never comes? I would be very upset because their are people in this world that don't know how I feel about them...and I know that I'm living a life right now that I'm okay with, but I wouldn't want today to be my last day! And I should NEVER feel like that! I should be able to lay my head down at night and say to myself..."Okay, I lived today just the way I wanted to, and if I never wake up, I'm okay with that" And right now, I can't honestly do that...and that's been a hard pill for me to swallow everyday. I'm hoping going away will help me decide on how to approach the many situations I face...but I know Rome wasn't built in a day and I know that I'm not going to steer my life in the right direction in just a week...like I said, time will keep going...I just have to find a way to keep up...
~*Jen*~