I promised Meg an update!
So all 2 of you who read my lj from time to time have probably wondered why I wrote that I was single a few days ago. Well I guess I can tenatively take that back and say that I'm not single, but that I'm on a "break" and we are having "problems."
The other night, Ryan calls me and pretty much blindsides me and tells me he wants to take a break, he doesn't want to be "married" right now, his life is so confusing, I shouldn't move to Michigan, etc. Needless to say I was really shocked and upset and angry and sad and everything in between because I felt like I was doing all these things to get back to him so we could try to be happy together again. I can't even tell you what it feels like when you love someone, and have them say they don't know how they feel about you. Its like your world is being destroyed even when it isn't. I had made all these plans to move and I was suppossed to move back to Michigan in 3 weeks. But now, I don't know what to do.
I have to move out of my apartment and find a place within the next 3 weeks, and I have to do so much rearranging of my life right now. I was going to go to school in Michigan in January and finish up in a year. Now it looks like I am going to go back to the hell that is Arizona State and finish school there. I'm sad and relieved and depressed and hopeful, I am so full of so many different emotions that I can hardly think. He says he wants things to work out for us in the long run and that he doesn't want to date anyone else now, but how true is that? He says its the truth but I don't think I believe him. I feel so hurt right now. I don't even want to tell him that I love him because I feel like that makes me look weak. Or makes me look needy. And I guess I am needy. I feel like I need him.
He said he wants to come down to AZ and visit me in a couple weeks because he is weak and misses me. That makes me feel so terrible that he only wants to come see me because he feels "weak." And if he is willing to spend all that money to come see me and stuff, doesn't that just mean he still cares about me? I feel like the things he tells me now, goes in one ear and out the other because I just can not comprehend all of this. He says he wants to "do his own thing." What does that even mean?? You already do your own thing when you live alone and don't see me the majority of the time. He goes out with friends, family, drinks, works, etc and I'm not a part of that. I mostly never feel like a part of his life as it is so I don't know what more of his "own thing" he could want to do.
I'm so confused right now.
The other night, Ryan calls me and pretty much blindsides me and tells me he wants to take a break, he doesn't want to be "married" right now, his life is so confusing, I shouldn't move to Michigan, etc. Needless to say I was really shocked and upset and angry and sad and everything in between because I felt like I was doing all these things to get back to him so we could try to be happy together again. I can't even tell you what it feels like when you love someone, and have them say they don't know how they feel about you. Its like your world is being destroyed even when it isn't. I had made all these plans to move and I was suppossed to move back to Michigan in 3 weeks. But now, I don't know what to do.
I have to move out of my apartment and find a place within the next 3 weeks, and I have to do so much rearranging of my life right now. I was going to go to school in Michigan in January and finish up in a year. Now it looks like I am going to go back to the hell that is Arizona State and finish school there. I'm sad and relieved and depressed and hopeful, I am so full of so many different emotions that I can hardly think. He says he wants things to work out for us in the long run and that he doesn't want to date anyone else now, but how true is that? He says its the truth but I don't think I believe him. I feel so hurt right now. I don't even want to tell him that I love him because I feel like that makes me look weak. Or makes me look needy. And I guess I am needy. I feel like I need him.
He said he wants to come down to AZ and visit me in a couple weeks because he is weak and misses me. That makes me feel so terrible that he only wants to come see me because he feels "weak." And if he is willing to spend all that money to come see me and stuff, doesn't that just mean he still cares about me? I feel like the things he tells me now, goes in one ear and out the other because I just can not comprehend all of this. He says he wants to "do his own thing." What does that even mean?? You already do your own thing when you live alone and don't see me the majority of the time. He goes out with friends, family, drinks, works, etc and I'm not a part of that. I mostly never feel like a part of his life as it is so I don't know what more of his "own thing" he could want to do.
I'm so confused right now.