Turbulence
This entry is probably more or less an entry that deserves to be written in January, to signify new resolutions. However, its been a year since certain things happened in my life and its time to reflect.
This past year has more or less been a bumpy ride. I have learned what true friends are and no matter how much you may fight or stupid shit you talk about, they will always be by your side. Then there was a relationship-changing event for Ryan and I. I'm not going to get into it but if you read my journal from this time last year, you can see it for yourself. I feel like our relationship itself has been up and down and up and down and up and now completely down. I don't know what to do anymore. I constantly feel unwanted and unloved despite what Ryan says. I feel like when I say "I'm moving back to Michigan" he doesn't really want me to move there. He says I should stay here in Arizona and follow my goals but my main goal is to be with him and be happy.
Today was such a weird day. I think I am going to make this a friends only journal from now on so I can really write about things I want to write about. The things that truly bother me, and then I can ask my friends for advice without people happening across my journal and being like "whats going on, whats with you?"
I feel like jumping off a cliff today. How about that for a update opener? People don't seem to be who they say they are. Things don't turn out the way they once seemed to be intended to turn out. I used to believe in fate, and karma and destiny and all that. But lately, it seems like fate has lied to me, karma turned its back on me, and my destiny disappeared. I don't even know what my purpose in life should be. I feel so lost. I wanted to be a nurse SOOOOO bad. But do I still want to? Do I want to live in Arizona? Do I want to get a new job? What do I want and what needs me?? I don't know. I feel so confused and lost and crazy. Actually crazy. I feel like I should paint a picture right this minute. But I think if I did, the paper would be a big black blob. But then maybe I could sell it on Ebay and say I saw Jesus appear to me in my painting.
*sigh*
I'm in desperate need of a friend and a drink.
This past year has more or less been a bumpy ride. I have learned what true friends are and no matter how much you may fight or stupid shit you talk about, they will always be by your side. Then there was a relationship-changing event for Ryan and I. I'm not going to get into it but if you read my journal from this time last year, you can see it for yourself. I feel like our relationship itself has been up and down and up and down and up and now completely down. I don't know what to do anymore. I constantly feel unwanted and unloved despite what Ryan says. I feel like when I say "I'm moving back to Michigan" he doesn't really want me to move there. He says I should stay here in Arizona and follow my goals but my main goal is to be with him and be happy.
Today was such a weird day. I think I am going to make this a friends only journal from now on so I can really write about things I want to write about. The things that truly bother me, and then I can ask my friends for advice without people happening across my journal and being like "whats going on, whats with you?"
I feel like jumping off a cliff today. How about that for a update opener? People don't seem to be who they say they are. Things don't turn out the way they once seemed to be intended to turn out. I used to believe in fate, and karma and destiny and all that. But lately, it seems like fate has lied to me, karma turned its back on me, and my destiny disappeared. I don't even know what my purpose in life should be. I feel so lost. I wanted to be a nurse SOOOOO bad. But do I still want to? Do I want to live in Arizona? Do I want to get a new job? What do I want and what needs me?? I don't know. I feel so confused and lost and crazy. Actually crazy. I feel like I should paint a picture right this minute. But I think if I did, the paper would be a big black blob. But then maybe I could sell it on Ebay and say I saw Jesus appear to me in my painting.
*sigh*
I'm in desperate need of a friend and a drink.