(no subject)
today was weird.
it was horrible- but great at the same time. well not great, nice.
i really cant explain the feeling of seeing so many familiar faces from so long ago.
all my mums old choir friends were there. even the girl who used to babysit me at choir practice was tehre. even the boy i used to have fights with and play with at choir practice was there. he cam up t me and said hi. i was like, hiii [dad who the fuck is this wacko] and dads like OMG MARCUS, WOW YOU LOOK SO DIFFERENT! SO MUCH OLDER. which would make sense now wouldnt it. i havent seen him for at least 10 years.
somehow i dont realy think its hit me, i mean, ive been upset, but i feel as if it should have triggered something off in me and i should be on the rocks wallowing. but im not. i think my mind is trying to block it out so that i stay sane. so that i dont lose the plot, cos i was already on the edge beforehand and it would be so hard to get by when all my life really consists of is seeing people i dont really know, or more to the point, dont really know me-whichmeans one little weird thing and they could think im a fcking weirdo, these people for a few hours a day, then transport by myself. then hometime by myself. thats the majority anyway. and weekend saturday nights where i have a burst of drunkness and socialising with my familiars. but it doesnt really seem to be the same anymore.
anyway today was kind of surreal, and i think thats why im so 'fine', but it was so nice to be amongst those familiar faces and sing familiar childhod songs.with some people ive known for so long but havent seen for so long next to them all, like id grown up with it around me, and now instead of being on the side watching my parents and their friends, im standing in that crowd of singers with them.its ncie to know somethings havent changed. that what i used to have when i was little is still there, im just not seeing it. i hate crying in front of people. but i guess sometimes thats just the way it is.
and in some ways i hate coming home and being alone, but maybe i like being by myself, cos ive gotten more used to it. but there isnt a day that goes past where i cant helpp but feel unresolved.
share teh love i say. dont pinpoint it.
the end of the world of lucy, i knw people like to 'skim' read my posts when they are long so better make the last sentence good yeah?
fuck it. dont waste your envergy on something your not warmed towards. there you go.
it was horrible- but great at the same time. well not great, nice.
i really cant explain the feeling of seeing so many familiar faces from so long ago.
all my mums old choir friends were there. even the girl who used to babysit me at choir practice was tehre. even the boy i used to have fights with and play with at choir practice was there. he cam up t me and said hi. i was like, hiii [dad who the fuck is this wacko] and dads like OMG MARCUS, WOW YOU LOOK SO DIFFERENT! SO MUCH OLDER. which would make sense now wouldnt it. i havent seen him for at least 10 years.
somehow i dont realy think its hit me, i mean, ive been upset, but i feel as if it should have triggered something off in me and i should be on the rocks wallowing. but im not. i think my mind is trying to block it out so that i stay sane. so that i dont lose the plot, cos i was already on the edge beforehand and it would be so hard to get by when all my life really consists of is seeing people i dont really know, or more to the point, dont really know me-whichmeans one little weird thing and they could think im a fcking weirdo, these people for a few hours a day, then transport by myself. then hometime by myself. thats the majority anyway. and weekend saturday nights where i have a burst of drunkness and socialising with my familiars. but it doesnt really seem to be the same anymore.
anyway today was kind of surreal, and i think thats why im so 'fine', but it was so nice to be amongst those familiar faces and sing familiar childhod songs.with some people ive known for so long but havent seen for so long next to them all, like id grown up with it around me, and now instead of being on the side watching my parents and their friends, im standing in that crowd of singers with them.its ncie to know somethings havent changed. that what i used to have when i was little is still there, im just not seeing it. i hate crying in front of people. but i guess sometimes thats just the way it is.
and in some ways i hate coming home and being alone, but maybe i like being by myself, cos ive gotten more used to it. but there isnt a day that goes past where i cant helpp but feel unresolved.
share teh love i say. dont pinpoint it.
the end of the world of lucy, i knw people like to 'skim' read my posts when they are long so better make the last sentence good yeah?
fuck it. dont waste your envergy on something your not warmed towards. there you go.