Today coulda been worse, i coulda died i guess
I don't really know how to begin this entry. There's stuff i want to say, but i don't know how to say some of it.
First of all i guess i would like to make a disclaimer. I don't care how long this entry is, if you don't care about me then don't read it. If you don't care about my life anymore, if you're not in my life anymore, or if you just don't want to be my friend anymore, don't read it. In fact, remove me from lj, take me off your myspace, off your buddy list, my number out of your cell phone, and my memory out of your life. I honestly don't need you if you are just there to say you're my friend and then don't do anything. Also, be sure to mention that you don't want me in your life, because i can't read minds and i'm tired of being rejected when my pain could easily have been prevented if you took the couple of seconds to tell me to fuck off.
i walked to taco bell with two of my friends after school
a large rather offending looking figure appeared
and began to apoligize
for what he's done to me
for what has happened to me
for all the things that have happened since he's entered the picture
this figure wore a columbus uniform
and his size made a mockery of his nickname
i had never seen him before but i knew exactly who he was before he said it
he said we'd have been friends if things were different
he said he hangs out with my friends, and if i'm ever not mad at him we should talk because it's awkward to hang out
not allowing myself time to collect my thoughts, knowing that i would explode at any moment, i told him i had nothing to say to him
he left, but my blood still boiled
this figure greatly angered me, not only because of what he's done but because he apoligized as if he cared
as if he's the bigger person, figuratively speaking
and i hated it
and when i got home a flower from my past called me
a flower whose thorns have left scars on my gentle hands
she spoke as if she cared, as if she was really sorry and really wanted to see if i was ok after the day's earlier meeting
i'm ashamed of myself for falling for it everytime
for speaking to her and having a natural high come over me that defies all reason
for pouring my soul out to her and then getting nothing but a cruel parallel of the portrait of a lady
i'm ashamed and disgusted with myself
i hope to force her from my life
it needs to be done, and i hope i have the willpower to do it
the next time i speak to her will fortunately and hopefully be my last
the following events of the day were rather mellow until i fell asleep around 9
i must have fallen asleep on my arms because i woke up and couldn't feel them
mildly disoriented i arose to my feet and promptly fell forward
my numb arms were unable to support me
as i smashed my face into my dresser
my chin needs stitches but i don't want to go
when i woke up this morning i didn't imagine this day being so horrible
and i don't want to leave my house tommorow, i don't even want to wake up
i don't believe in karma
because i haven't done anything to deserve this
and i sit here crying with my homework unfinished
and i don't know what to do but post this entry and go to bed
translation for stupid people or people who just don't know: the figure who walked up to me was Smurf, the guy Rosie cheated on me with among other things. and the flower from my past is obviously Rosie, duh.
Rosie, a part of me continues to believe in you. I'm sorry we can't be friends, but the pain just isn't worth it. Goodbye, maybe one day we'll cross paths and be friends, but not now, so you can go ahead and stop trying.
All that said, i will continue.
I continue to mourn the death of my once cherished friendships. Please, don't just tell me you're there when you really aren't. I constantly feel more abandoned and ignored with each passing week. To those of you who don't invite me anywhere due to my feelings towards others, I don't believe that's the only reason anymore. I don't understand why i'm seemingly never thought of. I'm not even called. Today I was told that a reason is because you no longer think i wish to associate with you. I don't hate those i once called friends, i can't because i care too much about you. I have tried to make it abundantly clear that i do want to see you, but it's for nought.
Chynna, I love you so much. You were once one of my best friends. I could talk to you about anything and you were always there for me, and i think i was there for you as well. I don't know where you've gone, or why you've left but i feel i've lost a lot with you.
Marie, the same goes for you. Although I'm happy for you and Danny, I fear the only reason why i ever do see you when i do is because Danny feels like allowing me to tag along. There's no interest on your side, even if you do feign it. To me you say whatever will make me the most content, rather than what you actually mean.
Amanda, we don't talk. When we do the last few times you've been a total bitch to me. I miss you too, though. For a while there we were pretty close i thought, and i really enjoyed being your friend. Randomly hanging out with you was always fun for me. I regret getting on your bad side, but i can't force myself to do anything anymore.
Miah, wow, Miah. You were a wonderful friend. We didn't hang out much but we talked a lot and you're really amazing. Aside from being your friend i liked you (heh still do, fyi, not that it matters) so much. You made one day really wonderful for me that i hoped would last and turn into something. A combination of rejection and neglect has definately proved otherwise. Our conversations are nothing but uncomfortable to me, not that we talk all that often. You aren't around, either, and i don't know how to fix this friendship.
I am interested, and i do miss you all, but i give up. I can't bring myself to try anymore when nobody else is. I leave everything up to you, i can't do it any longer.
And to my many acquantances, and those i call friends who i never hang out with, or have never hung out with, i guess thanks for talking to me at least. I don't really hang out with many people anymore, although i'd love to. I've tried making plans with many of you, many times, and it never works out. I did try all the time, and i will continue to try with new people because i don't really have a choice, but until somebody starts following through i'm stuck here.
To the few of you who have consistently been by my side, i love you. Lino, Danny C., you guys rock. Danny O, when i do talk to you and you're around you're cool and i appreciate anything you've done for me, although i admit sometimes id on't know if what you say is what you mean.
If anybody actually wants to associate with me, you know where i am. Never say i'm not around or willing to be involved because i'm the most available person on the planet. My phone number and screen name will remain the same as they always have, so if i'm not contacted, it's not because you couldn't get in touch with me.
I'm done. Clean slates are really painful, and my chin hurts like a bitch.
First of all i guess i would like to make a disclaimer. I don't care how long this entry is, if you don't care about me then don't read it. If you don't care about my life anymore, if you're not in my life anymore, or if you just don't want to be my friend anymore, don't read it. In fact, remove me from lj, take me off your myspace, off your buddy list, my number out of your cell phone, and my memory out of your life. I honestly don't need you if you are just there to say you're my friend and then don't do anything. Also, be sure to mention that you don't want me in your life, because i can't read minds and i'm tired of being rejected when my pain could easily have been prevented if you took the couple of seconds to tell me to fuck off.
i walked to taco bell with two of my friends after school
a large rather offending looking figure appeared
and began to apoligize
for what he's done to me
for what has happened to me
for all the things that have happened since he's entered the picture
this figure wore a columbus uniform
and his size made a mockery of his nickname
i had never seen him before but i knew exactly who he was before he said it
he said we'd have been friends if things were different
he said he hangs out with my friends, and if i'm ever not mad at him we should talk because it's awkward to hang out
not allowing myself time to collect my thoughts, knowing that i would explode at any moment, i told him i had nothing to say to him
he left, but my blood still boiled
this figure greatly angered me, not only because of what he's done but because he apoligized as if he cared
as if he's the bigger person, figuratively speaking
and i hated it
and when i got home a flower from my past called me
a flower whose thorns have left scars on my gentle hands
she spoke as if she cared, as if she was really sorry and really wanted to see if i was ok after the day's earlier meeting
i'm ashamed of myself for falling for it everytime
for speaking to her and having a natural high come over me that defies all reason
for pouring my soul out to her and then getting nothing but a cruel parallel of the portrait of a lady
i'm ashamed and disgusted with myself
i hope to force her from my life
it needs to be done, and i hope i have the willpower to do it
the next time i speak to her will fortunately and hopefully be my last
the following events of the day were rather mellow until i fell asleep around 9
i must have fallen asleep on my arms because i woke up and couldn't feel them
mildly disoriented i arose to my feet and promptly fell forward
my numb arms were unable to support me
as i smashed my face into my dresser
my chin needs stitches but i don't want to go
when i woke up this morning i didn't imagine this day being so horrible
and i don't want to leave my house tommorow, i don't even want to wake up
i don't believe in karma
because i haven't done anything to deserve this
and i sit here crying with my homework unfinished
and i don't know what to do but post this entry and go to bed
translation for stupid people or people who just don't know: the figure who walked up to me was Smurf, the guy Rosie cheated on me with among other things. and the flower from my past is obviously Rosie, duh.
Rosie, a part of me continues to believe in you. I'm sorry we can't be friends, but the pain just isn't worth it. Goodbye, maybe one day we'll cross paths and be friends, but not now, so you can go ahead and stop trying.
All that said, i will continue.
I continue to mourn the death of my once cherished friendships. Please, don't just tell me you're there when you really aren't. I constantly feel more abandoned and ignored with each passing week. To those of you who don't invite me anywhere due to my feelings towards others, I don't believe that's the only reason anymore. I don't understand why i'm seemingly never thought of. I'm not even called. Today I was told that a reason is because you no longer think i wish to associate with you. I don't hate those i once called friends, i can't because i care too much about you. I have tried to make it abundantly clear that i do want to see you, but it's for nought.
Chynna, I love you so much. You were once one of my best friends. I could talk to you about anything and you were always there for me, and i think i was there for you as well. I don't know where you've gone, or why you've left but i feel i've lost a lot with you.
Marie, the same goes for you. Although I'm happy for you and Danny, I fear the only reason why i ever do see you when i do is because Danny feels like allowing me to tag along. There's no interest on your side, even if you do feign it. To me you say whatever will make me the most content, rather than what you actually mean.
Amanda, we don't talk. When we do the last few times you've been a total bitch to me. I miss you too, though. For a while there we were pretty close i thought, and i really enjoyed being your friend. Randomly hanging out with you was always fun for me. I regret getting on your bad side, but i can't force myself to do anything anymore.
Miah, wow, Miah. You were a wonderful friend. We didn't hang out much but we talked a lot and you're really amazing. Aside from being your friend i liked you (heh still do, fyi, not that it matters) so much. You made one day really wonderful for me that i hoped would last and turn into something. A combination of rejection and neglect has definately proved otherwise. Our conversations are nothing but uncomfortable to me, not that we talk all that often. You aren't around, either, and i don't know how to fix this friendship.
I am interested, and i do miss you all, but i give up. I can't bring myself to try anymore when nobody else is. I leave everything up to you, i can't do it any longer.
And to my many acquantances, and those i call friends who i never hang out with, or have never hung out with, i guess thanks for talking to me at least. I don't really hang out with many people anymore, although i'd love to. I've tried making plans with many of you, many times, and it never works out. I did try all the time, and i will continue to try with new people because i don't really have a choice, but until somebody starts following through i'm stuck here.
To the few of you who have consistently been by my side, i love you. Lino, Danny C., you guys rock. Danny O, when i do talk to you and you're around you're cool and i appreciate anything you've done for me, although i admit sometimes id on't know if what you say is what you mean.
If anybody actually wants to associate with me, you know where i am. Never say i'm not around or willing to be involved because i'm the most available person on the planet. My phone number and screen name will remain the same as they always have, so if i'm not contacted, it's not because you couldn't get in touch with me.
I'm done. Clean slates are really painful, and my chin hurts like a bitch.