when better just isn't enough

[azigazi]

Sometimes better just isn't enough, ya know? Cause better doesn't mean you're okay. And it doesn't mean you aren't crying, it just means you haven't cried every night for the past three months as well. So, yeah. Better is great. I'm a heck of a lot less dehydrated. And a lot of my days are good. But it isn't enough. And it's not even what it was anymore. Now it's just pain, undefined, expansive, grey. But it's certainly not enough. The future stretches before me and I'm not looking forward to any of it. Which is okay. I've been here before. But I'm tired and I'm tired of being tired and I'm sick to death of not having a reason to get up in the morning. It's just not worth the trouble that I know the day will bring.
I worked today. Made a decent amount of money. But the funny thing is, when I split it up into all the sections of I need to get this for this person and that for that person, be able to take this person here for this and that one there for that, all i ended up with in the section that's for me to spend on things for me was a dollar. And it isn't like I filled the other sections to how much I need for them. I didn't fill a single one, so I have to do all of this again tomorrow. Same work, same game, same uselessness, same pain. I just want a break, but I know it isn't going to happen. I will always be driving myself because there is always more I could be doing.
Summer break will be the death of me.
Take care, my reader.
peace and joy,
-deora