strange thoughts
It is not in my nature to let those i love be hurt, i don't like it, i find it hard to tolerate, and i often stress myself to the breaking point trying to help them
that's sometimes why i act deliberately silly, obtuse and altogether uneducated, to make people laugh when they are upset, granted it often is only a short term solution but people tend to freak out when they become upset and close off completely to any help and it is not until they are willing to actually except help, which can take years
i know i do the same thing, i am not good at talking about things that bother me because i do not want to bother someone else, i don't want to be a burden, i don't want people to worry about me the way i worry about them
but i feel helpless sometimes, how do you deal with someone that is convinced that they have lost the love of their lives, that they are inherently unlovable, that somehow something is wrong with them, how do you convince them that they are worth more than random meaningless dating and make-out with people who can never love them, how do you make them understand that when you say a guy is ugly you do not necessarily mean his outer appearance but what you see on the inside of him
i couldn't even do that for myself, i had to get a white knight determined to save the world to pull me up from those very same depths of depressive thoughts before i learned how to be someone that can just take pleasure in the meaningless and think that that is enough to save them
so what do you do when you want to save someone and you don't know how? what if they won't even let you help them in the first place? what if they have closed themselves to the point that they don't even recognize thier own hearts anymore?
i understand the necessity of pretending that everything is fine, hell i even understand the diminished patience and the lack of social skills at this time, i know healing is a long process especially when you thought it was forever, because you can’t take back those plans you made, and its hard to exist when you don’t know what happens next soo where do you find your strength in time like these?
i suppose i am luckier than i will ever know, i have someone willing to save me, to love me just for who i am, the same way i love him
so forgive me for being lovey, but hopeless romantic is my true nature, has been since i made my vows to god so long ago and started on my journey of religious self-discovery, i don't know another way to be i never had to learn because i was never "in love" like i am now, it took a while but i realized all the boys that i said i loved were insipid and not worthy of such pain that i was wont to put myself through
but that realization took a lot of time and reflection that is hard on ones mental health, its hard to admit to yourself that what you thought was true was merely an artifice, its even harder to hold faith that there is something more true out there and that not everything is so artificial as what you had previously deemed true
im going in circles and i need to do real work instead of vast philosophical reflection, cause at the moment its getting me nowhere,
thus the problem with philosophy, answers take forever to find and when they are found you can't explain them in traditional, sensible terms, its a matter of faith and belief, i guess that’s why i believe religions should be more closely associated with philosophies, ideas are easier to change in philosophies and a lot harder to be deemed absolute truth
but that’s a topic for another day, i've confused myself enough for now
that's sometimes why i act deliberately silly, obtuse and altogether uneducated, to make people laugh when they are upset, granted it often is only a short term solution but people tend to freak out when they become upset and close off completely to any help and it is not until they are willing to actually except help, which can take years
i know i do the same thing, i am not good at talking about things that bother me because i do not want to bother someone else, i don't want to be a burden, i don't want people to worry about me the way i worry about them
but i feel helpless sometimes, how do you deal with someone that is convinced that they have lost the love of their lives, that they are inherently unlovable, that somehow something is wrong with them, how do you convince them that they are worth more than random meaningless dating and make-out with people who can never love them, how do you make them understand that when you say a guy is ugly you do not necessarily mean his outer appearance but what you see on the inside of him
i couldn't even do that for myself, i had to get a white knight determined to save the world to pull me up from those very same depths of depressive thoughts before i learned how to be someone that can just take pleasure in the meaningless and think that that is enough to save them
so what do you do when you want to save someone and you don't know how? what if they won't even let you help them in the first place? what if they have closed themselves to the point that they don't even recognize thier own hearts anymore?
i understand the necessity of pretending that everything is fine, hell i even understand the diminished patience and the lack of social skills at this time, i know healing is a long process especially when you thought it was forever, because you can’t take back those plans you made, and its hard to exist when you don’t know what happens next soo where do you find your strength in time like these?
i suppose i am luckier than i will ever know, i have someone willing to save me, to love me just for who i am, the same way i love him
so forgive me for being lovey, but hopeless romantic is my true nature, has been since i made my vows to god so long ago and started on my journey of religious self-discovery, i don't know another way to be i never had to learn because i was never "in love" like i am now, it took a while but i realized all the boys that i said i loved were insipid and not worthy of such pain that i was wont to put myself through
but that realization took a lot of time and reflection that is hard on ones mental health, its hard to admit to yourself that what you thought was true was merely an artifice, its even harder to hold faith that there is something more true out there and that not everything is so artificial as what you had previously deemed true
im going in circles and i need to do real work instead of vast philosophical reflection, cause at the moment its getting me nowhere,
thus the problem with philosophy, answers take forever to find and when they are found you can't explain them in traditional, sensible terms, its a matter of faith and belief, i guess that’s why i believe religions should be more closely associated with philosophies, ideas are easier to change in philosophies and a lot harder to be deemed absolute truth
but that’s a topic for another day, i've confused myself enough for now